And now she was just… gone.
No conversation. No resolution. No chance to sort through it face-to-face.
I didn’t know what I was supposed to do with that.
While Maverick took over the couch with Aria and Duke for the day, I’d driven up toPeaceful Pines. We’d spent the day before relaxing all day, and Aria was feeling significantly better. I knew Maverick was more than capable, and I knew that Holly was joining them in case he needed anything. They gave me the freedom to handle everything I needed. It didn’t make anything easier, but at least I didn’t have to split my attention—at least I didn’t have to worry about Aria.
The world buzzed around the edges while Margaret walked me through making arrangements for my mother. Her voice was calm through every step. I nodded when I was supposed to, answered when prompted, but most of it passed through me without really sticking. I picked cremation over embalming and a simple urn over a casket. I’d forgo a memorial and a funeral service. I didn’t have it in me to do that fake dance with peoplewho had likely forgotten she existed. She had the plot next to my father’s, so that was one less thing to think about. I just had to make sure to coordinate with the cemetery to have her placed there.
Another problem for a different day.
I was numb through it all.
Margaret asked if there was anything else I needed, her tone gentle in that professional way that told me she was ready to micromanage the emotions I didn’t quite have. I shook my head, signed what I needed to, and walked out ofPeaceful Pinesfor good.
I sat in my SUV, just… existing. I wasn’t quite sure how to return home after this. I didn’t know how to smile at my daughter and pretend like it was all okay. I didn’t want to lie to her, but she didn’t know my mother. I had no idea how to explain that part of my life to her. Truth be told, I didn’t want her to know. There was no reason for her to know what I’d gone through.
And so I just kept sitting there, watching the sun set, and tried to let go of my need for closure. Tried to make myself okay with this being the outcome.
What was closure anyway?Some neat and final moment where everything made sense? Where the person who hurt you suddenly understood it? Apologized for it? Made it right? In reality, things didn’t tie up that cleanly. How could my mother make right all the things she’d done to me over the years? Over decades.
I’d tried to be what she wanted me to be, and I’d nearly destroyed myself in the process. The only good thing to come out of that was Aria.She was my everything.
My phone buzzed in the cup holder with an incoming message from Maverick. I had a series of them from throughout the day—short messages to let me know everything was okay—but thisone was different. It took forever for my phone to download the video message he’d sent, but I played it the instant it did.
Maverick and Aria sat on the couch while Duke practically used my daughter as a pillow. The minute Aria realized he was recording them, she started making faces at the camera.
“Okay, okay, okay—stop sticking your tongue out. Goofball.” Maverick laughed. Still, Aria kept making silly faces at the camera, making me chuckle. Her simple happiness bled through me. Maverick dropped a hand over her face and gave her a playful shake to make her laugh harder. “C’mon now, spooky queen! We’re trying to say hi to your daddy.”
“Daddy!” she shrilled. “Hi! I get to cuddle Duke! I want to keep him!”
“He’s my dog!” he protested, his face comical.
“We’ll see about that!” Aria replied in that sassy little way of hers.
“There’s a confidence in you that should be studied,” he said.
“Daddy says you can never have too much confidence.”
“Well, your daddy’s right,” Maverick told her. A ghost of a smile turned my lips as I watched them go back and forth so easily. They looked a lot like family, and that did things to my heart. “Did you have fun today?”
“I had so much fun!” Aria exclaimed. And then for a good two minutes, she prattled on about all the movies she watched with Maverick and the special snacks she made with Holly. Her appetite was back, which made me happy. Even the hives were mostly gone. Her bubbly personality was back with every sentence she rushed to get out.
I missed them.I missed them so goddamn much.
“All right, say good night to your daddy,” Maverick said after letting her talk for a few minutes longer. “You, my spooky queen, are going to be in bed by the time he gets home.”
“Night, night, Daddy!” She pulled the phone to her face until she was nothing more than a blur, and I heard the giant kiss she was trying to send my way. “I love you more than all the seashells in the world!”
The phrase wrapped around my heart a few times over. She didn’t say it all the time, but when she did, it was everything.
It had started years ago when I took her to the beach for the first time. She was three and completely enamored with the sand and the ocean. She’d wandered along the shoreline, determined to collect every single shell she came across. Whenever I tried to help, she sent me right back to our towel on the beach. She brought me handful after handful of seashells, like they were the greatest treasure in the world.
At some point, she’d climbed into my lap and dumped them all between us. I’d told her I loved her more than all the seashells in the world. It had been a spontaneous, random thing. But the way she smiled up at me and said it right back like it was the best kind of promise? That made it special.
“This is just my way of reminding you of the good things waiting here for you,” Maverick said softly when she was distracted by Duke again. “I’m holding down the fort—I might make an actual fort. Actually, that’d be kind of fun. Anyway, I’ll be here when you come home. I’m not going anywhere, baby. And… in case you didn’t know… I also love you more than all the seashells in the world.”
With another rustling fumble of the camera, the video ended. The silence in the car was deafening without their laughter and happiness.
