That was the other thing I liked about her: she let me send pre-therapy notes. Sometimes, it was just easier to organize my thoughts in a quick email to share with her—things I wanted to focus on later or revelations I had. With weekly appointments, we stayed on top of things, and she was up to date on the entire Maverick situation.
“She did well with everything,” I told her. “I was worried about it because I know it’s hard on her. She’s generally pretty easy-going. She’s… you know, well adjusted and good with things the way they are. But I know I can’t avoid it. I know that she’ll have more questions and worries, and I know Vivienne will always leave an impact on her life. I’m trying really damn hard to compensate for that. I just don’t want her to feel unloved.”
“Like you did?”
“Yeah.” I exhaled slowly. “I know she’s loved. I know I’m doing a good job. It’s just…”
“This change isn’t hard on just her,” Olivia replied, making me frown.
“I don’t think it’s hard. On me, that is. It’s not hard. I love Maverick. I want him to be a part of our lives. I’m literally trying to make this happen.”
“Just because you want something doesn’t mean that it isn’t hard, Harley. Yes, you’re ready and excited about this relationship with Maverick and its potential. That said, it’s a huge change for you. You’ve built this life for the two of you, and it’s safe and predictable. You know all of the variables—you made all of the variables. You know what to expect and when to expect it. You even have Vivienne’s yearly phone call down to when you can expect it, and you prepare for it. You have worked very hard to create a safe environment for you to heal and for Aria to grow up in—to grow up with all the things you didn’t have.”
“I know,” I whispered, my voice barely audible even to me.
“Maverick challenges all of that, and it’s okay to say Maverick challenges all of that,” she said. “You can be excited and happy for this new chapter and still recognize that it’s hard. It’s hard because you still have to integrate Maverick into your life. Into Aria’s life. Into that safety bubble you’ve created. And you can’t just think about you and Aria. You can’t just jam him into the little crevices in your life. You have to be fluid and make room for everything he brings to the table. Considering the growth you’ve had to push through since Aria was born, it’s understandable that this change could bring up a lot of concerns and worries.”
I swallowed hard.
“It’s okay to let yourself feel those things, Harley,” Olivia continued. “It doesn’t cheapen or ruin the excitement and readiness you have for this relationship.”
“Sometimes, I think of my mother when I’m with him,” I admitted, my voice hollow as I did.
“Tell me about that.”
“It’s not all the time—I don’t think this could last if it were all the time.” I stumbled over my words as I tried to make it make sense. “But sometimes when I look at him… all I can think is that my mother hated him. She… hated him. She hated everything about him. About what he stood for. And just…. I get sad… I just… it just makes me really sad.”
My chest constricted painfully with the familiar claw of anxiety, the emotions overwhelming. I eased my car off onto the side of the road and put it in park. I couldn’t drive and have this conversation.
“And why does it make you sad?”
“I just… I just… I wonder what we could’ve had if I’d stayed. If I’d been brave enough to stand up to her and to just… stay. What would our lives have been like?” I said. “But then I feel guilty because I love my daughter. I can’t imagine my life without her. She’s the best thing that has ever happened to me. Am I a bad person for thinking that? For… wondering?”
“I think… it’s normal to wonder. It’s normal to imagine the what-if,” Olivia replied. “You’re grounded, Harley, but you’ve been through a lot. It’s okay to wonder what could’ve happened if you didn’t have to endure all of that. That just makes you human.”
“Yeah…” I didn’t like this part of being human. It was messy and confusing and too much sometimes.
“So, Aria did well with officially talking to Maverick.” She brought the conversation back around.
“She did. I know she likes him, and I think it’ll be okay—I know it’ll be okay. I just… it’s a lot.”
“Have you talked to Maverick about how you’re feeling?” she asked.
“No.” Communication was my biggest problem in relationships. I didn’t know how to open up and share with other people. I was better at it with Maverick than anyone I’d beenwith, but he was Maverick. There were some things that I could just talk to him about.This though?“How do I tell him that I’m scared to bring him into our lives without making him feel like I don’t want this? I mean it when I say I’m all in… but I’m still scared.”
“I think you just say that and be ready to talk with him about what it means for the two of you.”
“You say it like it’s so easy.”
“It’s not,” she chuckled, “but it’s the first step to working through this. You can talk to me all you want—and I’m happy to talk through everything—but if you want to start on the right foot, it’s not just about all the things Aria needs. It’s about what you and he need, too. And right now, you need to address the changes as they affect you.”
I blew out a long breath.Again, it sounded so easy.And logically, I knew I could bring up all of this with Maverick, and it’d be okay. I just felt… bad. I didn’t want him to feel like I was taking back everything I’d said just because I was scared. Because I was worried. Because it was a lot of change.
I didn’t deal well with change, and I didn’t want that to be the reason this didn’t work.
CHAPTER 106
maverick
