I nodded slowly. Maverick. . I did my best not to think about Maverick unless I was in a therapy session, trying to work through something related to all the complicated feelings I had about him and our history.
“Have you decided if you want to contact him? To apologize to him?”
“I decided not to,” I replied. While a part of me wanted closure and wanted to apologize for what I’d done to him, I knew it was the wrong choice. “He said he didn’t want anything to do with me, and I have to respect that. Idorespect that. I know it’d bring me closure about what happened, but I don’t know what it’d do to him, and that’s not fair.”
“That’s good progress, Harley. That’s a very mature conclusion to draw. I know you were struggling with that one,” she told me. “And how do you feel about that decision?”
“I’m okay with it. I know it’s the right thing to do.”
“Good. And what about your mother?”
That question made my heart stutter a little bit. Elizabeth Lowell was the demon I carried with me everywhere. She was everything I measured myself against, the compass I used to adjust my behavior. I didn’t want to be like her, but I didn’t know how to let go of everything she’d put me through either.
I hadn’t seen my mother since I put her inPeaceful Pines. I did everything I could to avoid her, and I’d cut off all personal contact with her. The center coordinator still contacted me every few days with updates about her health, and I had the power of attorney over my mother’s care. She wasn’t improving, but that was the nature of dementia.
The longer I did this thing called healing, the more I realized I needed to face her. There was so much between us that needed to be talked about if I could sit down with her on a good day.There was so much I had to say. But every time I thought about sitting down with her, my heart did wild and crazy things in my chest. The rush of anxiety threatened to flatten me right there. The more I healed, the more visceral my response was.
“Where’d you go, Harley?” Olivia asked when I didn’t immediately reply. “What are you thinking about?”
“I was thinking about waiting until next year,” I admitted. “I don’t think it’s the right time right now. We have school and are getting settled in. And then the holidays will be here, and I don’t want to sit down with her during the holidays.”
She merely nodded. I was making excuses—giving stupid reasons why, instead of being honest with her.With myself.
“I can’t do it,” I whispered. “I’m not… I’m not ready to sit down with her yet.”
“There you go. It’s okay to say that out loud. It’s okay to give a voice to that feeling,” she said. “It’s okay to need time. You have done so much work over the last six years. You should be proud of yourself.”
“I’m trying to be.”And I was.It wasn’t easy. Some days were so much harder than others, but like I said, it was messy. Healing wasn’t a straight line forward. It was thousands of small steps, some forward and some back. It was fueled by the deliberate decision to keep moving and keep trying, no matter how hard it got.
CHAPTER 79
maverick
Alow blanket of mist hovered over the lake, thin and rolling with the cool morning air. The clouds overhead were thick as they caught the sunrise, creating a moody haze that I reveled in. What light managed to break through spread across the rippling surface in soft streaks of dull gold and rosy pink.
Duke trotted ahead of me along the shoreline, his paws splashing in the shallow water. Every now and then, he paused to sniff at who knew what. His snout and paws were wet andcovered in sand.So much for the groomer’s trip yesterday. But his tail was wagging so fast that I had to step back a bit to avoid being smacked with it continuously.
The cool air seeped through my light jacket, but I didn’t mind the cold. I thrived in it. It helped clear my head before the day started. The lake was alive in a different way at this hour. Ripples along the surface were a telltale sign of fish searching for something to eat, while birds dipped in where they could. It was peaceful and soft, quiet and energizing.
Duke looked back at me as if asking for permission. He may have been psycho, but at least he listened well.
“Go on,” I said. The words were barely out of my mouth before he bounded ahead, splashing through the water. Hands in my pockets, I trailed after him, letting him take the lead.
The picture Roxy sent me of Carson with his littleabout meboard and his first day of school had me laughing my ass off. It was more of a mug shot than a school picture.
“That poor kid,” I said loud enough to be heard. My phone was set up on a dashboard arm, the speaker on, as I drove through the backroads of farm country. It was just me, long grass, and the occasional herd of cows.So thrilling.“He looked miserable!”
“I’m telling you, Mav,” Roxy replied, “that boy would be happy completely alone for the rest of his life.”
“That’s not a bad thing,” I assured her.
“I know.” She sighed heavily. “I’m just worried he won’t make any friends, you know?”
I did know. We had this conversation often.
“Carson’s just an introvert,” I said. “He’s happy on his own. There’s nothing wrong with that.”
“I know, I know. I just want him to make one friend this year. Just one Maverick. Just one. No one should be all alone in life.”
