It was easy to say that one single word, Evander’s brown eyes, looked at me like I meant something to him. Like the purpose of me here was forhimto take my issues and solve them all.
“First of all,” Evander started quietly, “one of the rules was to eat three meals a day. And if you are hungry or thirsty, there are always drinks and snacks in the kitchen. You don’t have to have permission for any of it.” He paused, studying me with that steady, unreadable calm. “To me, it seems like you’re punishing yourself for something.”
He didn’t have to point it out, but maybe I was.
Heat crept up my neck, and I kept my gaze fixed on my lap, refusing to look his way. My eyes stayed glued to my feet. I couldn’t lift my head. Not when he saw through me so easily.
“We’ll come back to that shortly. Let’s talk about the pain in your back. Is it because of the marks? The way you’re sitting? Something else?”
“Everything?” My voice was small, afraid to answer. Afraid to open that whole thing, because enduring pain for an Alpha was something I was accustomed to.
“I’ll get you some pain reliever, and after we have dinner, a warm bath will help with those muscles. And then I’ll put cream on your cuts to help, too.”
I nodded, feeling the heat leaving my face. But then, I paled as the words registered.
A bath.
Those were decent, but there was always a catch to them. Some sort of test and never meant to be relaxing.
Either Evander didn’t notice, or he chose not to comment; he moved to one of the other things I had word vomited on. “Although you can stay awake for many hours, here I want you to get a good eight hours of sleep. Every night. There’s no reason to stay up longer if your body is tired. Understood.”
“Yes, Sir.”
“Good boy.” Again, the heat quickly rose to my cheeks, and I shifted for a whole new reason that made no sense to me. My stomach was all weird. “Now, the headache. Do you get them often?” And the feeling was gone as quickly as it came.
“Sometimes? I…don’t know?”
It hurt when I cried. It hurt when I was hungry. And it hurt when I was tired. And Iwastired. Always.
“Okay, we’ll just keep an eye on that then, alright.” I nodded again. “When you were eight, and before you try to tell me again you aren’t that boy, just…until proven otherwise, that’s how I’m going to think,” he waited for me to lift my eyes to his before he went on. “You got headaches when you were overwhelmed. A lot. Your mom would have you take a nap or eat something when they come on, and it would help. So, we’ll try that, alright. I’ll ask Dr. Moore to check you over again when he visits in a few days just to rule anything out.”
“Okay.” If that’s what he wanted….
“There’s more and more similarities between him and the boy I see right now.” Evander’s voice was wishful enough that Icouldn’t look up at him. He had his head tilted slightly, looking at me in a way that caused me towantto be that person. It was there for only a fleeting moment, but it was all the same. “You – he – used to go on like that, too. Talk and talk about something like he couldn’t stop the words, even if he had wanted to.”
“Maybe it’s just youthing, Sir.” I always answered with as few words as possible, and only when I had to. Words weren’t something Omegas were meant to be used freely.
“Maybe.” He neither agreed nor disagreed. His tone calm, almost playful. “Now, back to what we were talking about. Why are you punishing yourself?”
The answer should have been easy. It sat right there on the tip of my tongue, But the moment I tried to speak it, the words slipped away, like they’d never been there at all. My mind went blank and all I could do was stare at my hands and hope he didn’t notice how quickly I’d fallen apart again.
Punishments had always been tied to obedience. They were part of the same lesson. To serve, obey, correct, and improve. Being disciplined was treated as essential, just as important as anything else I was taught. How was I supposed to become better if no one pointed out my mistakes? If no one corrected me when I slipped? If there weren’t any consequences to push me back in line?
That was the logic I’ve lived under for so long that it felt like the truth.
So, of course, I thought I needed it. Of course, I thought I deserved it. Of course, I thought improvement only came through being told, forcefully, what I’d done wrong.
It was hard to imagine any other way.
So yes, I was punishing myself because this Alpha wasn’t. But I didn’t dare want to say that Ineededto be punished, because being in trouble was never great. Not for me.
“Kasey,” he scooted closer to me, close enough to touch my bent-up legs if he wanted to. “Do youneedto be punished?”
With watery eyes, I looked up at the Alpha. He already knew, so why was he asking? Why make me voice it if he could just…fix it. Fix me.
“I refuse to make you hurt. No matter how you look at me with puppy dog eyes. That look…can’twork on me.” That seemed to be of him trying to not let the look work on him. “But we’ll stick to the plan. Food. A nice warm bath where you’ll be in the tub by yourself. And I won’t even be in the bathroom while you do that. Then, aspunishmentI’ll put lotion on you and cuddle you until you fall asleep for the night.”
That’s not a punishment. But apparently the words didn’t just stick to my mind.
