My voice came out rough, barely above a whisper. “…. sorry.”
I didn’t even know what I was apologizing for. Everything, probably.
Evander didn’t let the apology settle between us. The moment the small, cracked word left my mouth, his hand stilled in my hair.
“You don’t need to apologize,” he mumbled, voiced low and steady against the top of my head. “Not for sleeping. Not for holding on. Not for anything.”
He shifted just enough to angle his chin atop my head, a quiet anchor rather than a correction.
The tenson began to creep in again like a rising river.
I shouldn’t be sleeping in an Alpha’s lap. I shouldn’t be content doing so. And I certainly shouldn’t be just lazy.
“You didn’t do a single thing wrong,” Evander added, softer now, like he was speaking to my thoughts. “You were tired. It’s been a hard few hours for you. There is never any shame in needing to rest. Ever.”
I twitched my fingers against Evander’s shirt, somehow clutching onto the Alpha without my consent once again.
“I’m glad you slept.” His thumb brushed a slow line through my hair again. “You’re safe here. With me. You don’t have to earn that, sweetheart.”
I let his words settle, my body slowly relaxing against the hold again.
Surely, if Evander didn’t want me in his lap, he’d have either told me so or moved me already.
“How are you feeling?” He spoke quietly, his voice rumbling right beneath my ear.
“Comfy.” The word was out before I even thought about it. “Better, I think. I can breathe now.”
My chest still felt tight, like someone had wrapped a band around my ribs, but it wasn’t crushing panic. Just leftovers, and normal. My chest was always tight, back always straight. Perfect, at all times.
But not right now. I didn’t have to be perfect. Evander didn’t want that.
I shifted just enough to look up at the Alpha, finding him looking at me like I was in his entire world.
That one look seeped into my soul, soothing parts of if that I was sure would never be healed.
I wanted him to look at me like that every moment of every day. It was filled with so many things I couldn’t name.
I wasseen.
I blinked, tucking myself back into that area between his neck and chest, right under his jaw.
“Didn’t mean to fall asleep on you.” I whispered, forcing my hand to let go of his shirt, only for my hand to spread out against his chest instead. “I…. it’s been a lot.”
A lot of ups and downs my entire life, but more so the last however long I’d been here. Way too many panic attacks in a short amount of time, that was for sure.
Evander’s fingers brushed against my head again, and I couldn’t help but close my eyes at the touch, body relaxing against him once more.
“It has been a lot,” he agreed.
I wasn’t sure if I wanted to stay like this or disappear entirely. Both urges tugged at me, tangled and confused. But Evander’s heartbeat under my cheek grounded me more than anything I had before. It kept me from panicking, kept me from drowning in thoughts of how to serve.
“I’m…. Okay. I think.” The last part came out small, uncertain, like I was testing the truth of what I said.
I wasn’tokay.Far from it. But as long as Evander wanted me, I would do my best to be anokayversion of what I was.
“If the panic comes back, at any time, you are welcome to tell me. Crawl into my lap, whatever you need. I don’t want you to get that upset again. Understood?”
“Yes, Sir.” I didn’t like being that upset, either.
