“I know.” I smiled lightly. “That’s okay. You’re not supposed to know. You haven’t been taught how to just…live. But we’ll figure it out. Together.”
His gaze dropped again, but this time, it wasn’t shameful. It was something softer, something like relief.
“If you’re near me, the only thing I want is for you to feel safe. That’s it. Not trying to be useful. Don’t try to be perfect. I just want you to find yourself. Be yourself.”
A tiny breath escaped Kasey, shaky and uncertain, but he wasn’t panicking this time. More like the first cracks in a wall he’d been holding up for years.
I let the quiet settle, warm and steady, before adding, “And if you don’t know what to do, I’ll help you. But I’m not going to give you orders just to fill the silence.”
Kasey nodded slowly, like he was trying to absorb something that didn’t fit anywhere in his mind, in his world.
Chapter 19
Kasey
I tried to sit still on the floor, but stillness had never been neutral for me. Stillness meant waiting. Waiting meant evaluation. Which in turn meant consequences if I didn’t stay still.
My body remembered that even if Evander didn’t know. My body will always remember.
I tried to follow Evander’s words.Just exist.But my body didn’t know how to obey something that was vague. Obedience I understood. Silence, I understood. Stillness…that was harder.
I kept my hands folded in my lap, fingers digging into the fabric of the shirt. My toes tapped against the carpet in an uneven rhythm I couldn’t quite stop. Breathing quietly was easy; I’d been trained to make myself soundless. But staying still felt like trying to hold back a tide.
I tested the space, flattening them against the carpet. Nothing happened. No corrections. No sharp voice. No hand closed around my throat.
I rocked my feet on their heels. Back and forth. Back and forth. I waited for the moment I’d gone too far. I waited for the reprimand that never came.
Evander’s words kept circling in my head, soft but impossible to hold onto.
You don’t have to serve me. You don’t have to do anything.
They didn’t fit anywhere inside me. They didn’t match the rules I’ve lived by for years. They didn’t match the version of what I’ve been shaped into.
I didn’t know who I was without them, without structure. Without consequences. I didn’t know who I was without the constant pressure to perform correctly.
A quiet, frightened thought rose in my chest before I could stop it.
Who am I without rules and punishment?
The question sat heavy, unfamiliar, and far too big. I stared down at my hands, trying to steady the tremor in my fingers, trying to breathe through confusion, tightening my ribs.
Evander was only a few feet away, calm and steady, but I felt like I was standing on the edge of something I didn’t understand. Something that asked me to be a person instead of a role. And I didn’t knowhowto be a person.
How could I when all my personality has been stripped of me, piece by piece? And in turn, those pieces were replaced by robotic obedience.
I tried to hold myself together, but the effort felt like balancing on a thin wire stretched over a drop I couldn’t see.
If I’m not following rules…then what am I supposed to do?
My breath stuttered in my chest as the walls around me felt like they were about to cave in.
If I didn’t follow rules, then I wasn’t perfect; I wasn’t obedient. And Omegas were always obedient while in the presence of an Alpha.
I curled my toes into the carpet, grounded myself the only way I knew how, and whispered inside my own mind.
Don’t fall apart. Not here. Not now. Just…. Hold on.
I held myself together the only way I knew how. I pretended I wasn’t falling apart. I pretended that I was anywhere but with an Alpha who had the power to make me hurt.
