And I had unpacking to do in my new apartment, thankfully right down the hall from Eddie. I also had work, and I was there three, sometimes four or five days a week. I was exhausted, but I was maxing out my allowable hours every week. I needed the money, but I also needed to make sure I wasn’t going to burn out. Though I did hear from my realtor! Someone was putting in an offer on the apartment!
I was riding on that win as I unpacked box after box, praying the sale came through quickly so I’d have a bit of a safety net. I was carrying another load of boxes to the basement with Eddie when my phone started ringing. I had him saved in my phone as “Johnny Cash” and even gave him a Cash ringtone. I was really going all out with the nickname.
Part of me was hoping he loved it because I would be keeping up with this for a while.
Eddie and I were discussing how things are going with Amber and they who shall not be named, nor thought of, once this legal shit was over, when my phone vibrated. I smiled and Eddie let out a grunt, knowing it was my Johnny calling.
“Hey, June.”
“Hey, Johnny.” I smiled, a slight giggle bubbling out of me. How was he so freaking cute? Seriously? I hoped we could continue like this for a long, long time. I had been feeling very wistful lately.
“I was just wondering if you’re free after your shift tonight,” his smooth voice said right into my ear. I loved talking to him on the phone. His voice always sent shivers down my spine.
“I’m not sure if I have anything planned actually.” I swear I heard him say ‘Yes!’ and then there was some rustling. He definitely did the “Yesssss” thing from that weird movie where the creepy kid with the glasses closed his eyes, made a fist and pulled it down slowly in front of his face. It was so weird, but so funny and I saw him doing that.
“Can I pick you up at eight?”
I couldn’t help the blush that crept up my cheeks. “Eight sounds great.” I facepalmed in front of the salad bar. Good god. Could I be any lamer? I’m rhyming now?! Ugh! I want to pull my hair out.
“I’ll see you then. I hope you have the day you’re meant to. Which means it’ll be amazing.” I could hear the smile in his voice. He seemed very pleased with himself.
“You too, Cash.”
“Say it again.”
“Cash.”
“I’ll see you tonight, gorgeous.” And disconnected the call.
Wow. If I’m not careful, he’ll make me fall in love.
*****
I was so fucking nervous and excited for this date. Was it a date? Did guys still pick girls up on dates, or was that totally nineties? Either way, I was hopeful this was going to end in friendship. Fingers crossed!
Eddie had been right, as usual.
When he initially told me I needed to work on myself more, that it wouldn’t be fair to Johnny if I just jumped from one flaming pirate ship to another, without putting out the flames within myself first.
So, as much as I wanted to pursue this, I was trying to make the mature decision to put myself first, then the other person's feelings. It was a weird, almost foreign concept, because I had put everything else first for so long. I just kept telling myself that I was going to master it like I had every other challenge that had appeared before me.
I just hoped he understood this didn’t mean I didn’t want to see where this could take us. I just wanted to build a foundation, a solid friendship first. Without involving any of the physical stuff that clouded judgments and led to things that couldn’t be undone. I needed to build trust first. I knew that I was jaded when it came to love and relationships, and was stilllicking my wounds. And I knew I would sabotage any and every chance we had if I just jumped in feet first.
Didn’t mean I couldn’t dress to kill though, right? I still thought about…him…now and then, mainly about why the defense was trying to call me as a witness. I wasn’t there the night in question. I had no idea what they could be thinking. I did wonder, just for a moment one day, what life would have been like had he not chosen Becky.
But…maybe we were broken long before her and I was too blinded to see it. Maybe there was something wrong in our relationship to make him step out so easily. For him to have blinders on and not see what she was doing to him. To us. But, like my therapist had been telling me,‘The maybes and what ifs are going to drown you if you keep swimming in them and circling them. You have to let it go’.
I scoffed. It was easier said than done. I was hopeful that once the legal bull was over, I’d be able to fully let it go. Out of sight, out of mind kind of thing. That was what I kept telling myself.
Because I had to fucking testify. Ugh. I shook my head, needing to get my head back into this date I was getting ready for. I finished sudsing my hair and body, shaving every part of me that needed it, praying the hot water would wash away my stresses.
Stepping out of the shower, I knew I had minimal time to get ready. I had gotten off at six, and thankfully the other doc taking over was great about being quick with report because I still had to get myself home.
Because even though nothing would be happening with the man, beyond maybe a kiss, I wanted to feel my best. Andthat meant everything got all cleaned up and looking our best. I needed the confidence boost, let’s be honest. I lost my ex to a taller, more model-like, blonde version of myself. It was a huge blow to my ego. I wanted to be able to bounce back from that, but I honestly wasn’t sure how. I was hopeful though. Hopeful that some good Lizzo, some Big D energy, and some Cardi would hype me up to have my feeling my best self. I was wrapped in a towel, hair air drying, legs lotioned, holding outfit options two and three in front of myself in the mirror.
“Knock, knock!” Turning around, I saw Eddie coming in like he owned the place. And, while he didn’t, it was nice living two apartments away from my brother.
“No, no. You need something that speaks to you, not just that inner freak. Listen to this,” and he changed the song, playing something else that seemed to resonate with me on a completely different level. This woman was basically singing this to me and it was practically about my specific situation. Eddie danced around, giving the lip sync performance of a lifetime.
