“Okay, whatever you say.” He doesn’t look like he believes me, but he still offers me a semblance of a smile. “Lets go have fun at this party and watch our parents get wasted.”
“As long as they don’t start singing karaoke, I think we’ll be fine.”
27
JERICHO
Everything was, in fact, not fine.
My parent’s and Raiden’s parents were already on their second bottle of wine when they saw us walk in, and their eyes bugged out. Then they went on like nothing happened, not saying anything to either of us even though I was almost an hour late and we were both sopping wet from the rain outside. I guess that was a small blessing.
Connor, Ace, and Sophie were all outside around the fire on the covered patio watching Hollis play tag with Damon. Hollis tucks and rolls in a puddle, a splash of water coating Damon in his new spiderman costume. He got so upset, he sat on the muddy ground and cried until his mom picked him up.
Hollis’ face was downcast as he watched Sophie walk back into the house with little Damon on her hip sniffling with his bottom lip pouted out.
And I thought those two things were the least of my problems.
When everyone finally migrated back inside, Damon with a fresh pair of pajamas and a cute sippy cup and Hollis with an old pair of my clothes that I left here as back ups, we gatheredaround the TV to watch a kid friendly halloween movie my mom picked out for Damon.
I was squashed on the couch between Connor and Ace, Sophie is on the edge with Damon resting peacefully in her lap watchingFrankenweenie. Raiden resting between my thighs, his head resting right up against my groin. With every turn of his head fighting to force down the boner that wants to pop up. I can feel the sideways glances from my friends, but I don’t have it in me to acknowledge them.
Hollis cocked his head when he first walked in, staring down at Raiden. At my look he promptly shook his head and sat down the same way in front of Connor. Connor took to running his fingers through Hollis’ hair, and how desperately I wish I could do the same to Raiden.
But that’s when shit really hit the fan.
The doorbell rang, and I was too enraptured with watching the way the glow of the TV reflected off Raiden’s hair to realize what was about to happen.
“Jericho, I need to talk to you,” the voice snaps as I whip my head around to see the newcomer. Liam. And he’s fucking pissed.
Raiden subtly moves out of my way as I stand up, moving away from the couch. I can feel my friends’ eyes on us as Liam leads the way to my old bedroom.
Shutting the door behind us, I feel the click of the lock down to my bones.
“What the fuck was that?” He asks, finally turning to look at me. He’s masked his emotions, the only thing radiating off him is tension. A dumb part of me would assume he’s heated from me walking away from him earlier but I know the truth.
“What are you talking about?” I shouldn’t be playing dumb, but honestly it was nothing. What me and Raiden were doing in there isn’t anything worse than anyone else was doing.
“You know exactly what I’m talking about. Seriously, Jericho?I tell you that I don’t like him and you run away from me and right into his arms. How is that supposed to make me feel?”
I can hear the movie playing from the living room, the chatter of my friends as they enjoy their night while mine crumbles around me. Their quiet conversations while I’m about to be broken up with in the same home where we started this relationship. I thought I would be more devastated, after all I’ve invested in this relationship, but as I look down at Liam I realize that I’m projecting what Ithinka relationship should be like compared to what ours actually was.
I’m a piece of shit, because as I look into the brown irises of the man I’ve been with for the past year, I feel nothing except sadness for letting him down. No longing to beg him to stay. No need to fix our issues. If this is how we end it now, I’ll be able to sleep soundly tonight knowing that Liam will finally be able to move on to someone who can love him the way he deserves.
“You’re right, I wasn’t thinking about that. I’m sorry, Liam.” And I am sorry that it had to come down to this. I didn’t plan out how I was going to break this relationship off, but I was going to do it with a little more care than him walking into my parents’ home and seeing Raiden and me like that.
“You should be sorry, I was worried sick. And you were here the whole time hanging out with your friends. You’re so selfish sometimes.”
I’m not going to argue with him, and he can see the look on my face because his mask slips just for a moment, faster than I can truly process, and the disappointed look on his face cuts me to the core.
Sixty seconds pass. Then one hundred and twenty. When I’m nearing five minutes of silence between us, letting my thoughts ruminate as Liam angrily paces my old bedroom.
“So that’s it? You’re going to give up on this relationship? All because Raiden came home. I can’t believe you.” His words arevicious, aiming to cause the most amount of damage. He’s not wrong. If I would have never ran into Raiden again, I probably would have been satisfied with my relationship with Liam. Our sex life is good, our communication could use some work, but overall we mesh well together.
But there’s a big difference between loving someone and beingin lovewith someone. What I feel for Liam is love, a feeling that sits skin layer deep and that I feel whenever I see him. What I feel for Raiden is more. It’s so much fucking more. It’s detrimental, threatening to ruin my whole life with one look. It’s all consuming and even when I think it’s gone, it’s still hiding in the back of my mind waiting to show itself.
I’ve been in love with Raiden since we were young. And no matter who comes and goes, it will always behimthat I feel this way about.
Any life without him isn’t a life at all, it’s a shell of a life that I could have.
