“Give me a minute,” I tell him trying to get my ire under control so I don’t snap at him.
“Oh, okay,” he says softly and attempts to pull his hand away. I snatch it in mine and keep it on top of me, the tight grip I have on his hand steadying me.
“Did you not listen to the voicemails I left you?”
He shakes his head, confusion lining his eyes as he leans his head back to fully look at me in the face.
“What voicemails?”
What voicemails?After all this time, he truly has no idea. Or he’s playing me for a fool. I remember my mom telling me he was getting them, because he made a comment that he would have only known if he had talked to me.
“The ones I left you while I was deployed. Every time I got phone privileges, you were the first person I called.”
His face turns ashen and he ducks his head away from my eyes. I don’t stop talking, now that I’ve started I need to see this through.
“I detailed everything I could. I wasn’t allowed to tell you where I was at, but I described it to you. The sandy desert withonly the wind to keep me company. Oceanside bases where I could watch the waves crash against the shore but I could never get close enough to feel the spray of the water. All of it, Raiden.”
“I didn’t know,” he whispers, gently. His breath coming in small puffs against my shirt.
“You didn’t know?” I ask incredulously. “You didn’t know that when I was leaving you voicemails, I was fighting for my life in other countries and was scared shitless more times than not and all I needed was my friend to comfort me?”
“I didn’t know!”Raiden yells into my side, his cries growing louder and louder until it's the only thing echoing in my ears. He keeps mumbling under his breath.I didn’t know, I didn’t know, I didn’t know.
“What?” I don’t know if he heard me over the sounds coming out of him, a wounded animal begging for help.
He doesn’t respond and I’m worried he’s going to make himself sick from how hard he’s crying. He shouldn’t be the one crying, I should be. I should be fighting him to show him how much he hurt me. But his sobbing and his choked words burrow themselves deep into me.
He didn’t know. Raiden didn’t know. He hadn’t listened to a single voicemail I left him. He doesn’t know the anguish I felt with every call that went unreturned.
“I’m so sorry, Jer. I’m so, so sorry.” He turns his body back towards mine and buries his head into the crease of my armpit, and the material starts to get wet from his tears. “If I would have known I would have answered. I would have responded. I never would have left you alone.”
His cries start to die down, and I think he cried himself to sleep. His sorrow is bone deep inside of me, the ache flaring up and causing my own pain to ricochet in my body.
A cannonade of thunder right outside my window stuns me for a moment, the loud sound cracking and rumbling throughthe silent bedroom. Rain starts to pour down outside, pelting off the window and creating a desolate tune of despair.
Raiden stirs beside me, sitting up and wiping his eyes. The brown irises surrounded by red and his lashes stuck together from his tears. I want to take him to the bathroom and wash his face, help him calm down enough so we can finish talking. He left me on a cliffhanger before he had his breakdown, and I’m hoping all of the crying is out of his system because I don’t know how much more my heart can handle seeing him in so much pain.
“Let’s go shower,” I suggest when he opens his eyes. There’s dried tear tracks down his face and his eyelashes are matted together from how hard he was squeezing his eyes shut. I wipe my finger across his eye trying to help separate them a small bit. It doesn't help, but Raiden doesn’t make a move to sit up. He just continues to stare at me.
“How can you look at me? How could you be around me? Thinking that I left you behind like that.” He doesn’t make a move to get away from me, so I guess a shower is out of the question.
I don’t know. The words are on the tip of my tongue, because truly I don’t know how or why I’m still wanting him to be in my life after all of this. Maybe it’s because somewhere deep inside of me I knew that Raiden wouldn’t truly leave me behind. Not if he knew what was going on.
How can I fault him for something that could have been so easily avoidable if I wouldn't have built up the wall to keep him out right before I deployed? If he wouldn’t have run away from me at graduation. If both of us wouldn’t have been scared to see what was right in front of us the whole time. We could have talked, and then I wouldn’t have left and he wouldn’t have married Josh. Life is full of what ifs though, and none of those do me any good now.
“I hate myself right now, Jer. I despise what I put youthrough and now I’m putting you in a horrible spot again between you and your boyfriend.” The mention of Liam makes me freeze, the uncomfortable feeling churning in my gut while I look at the man who is most definitely not my boyfriend as I have these all encompassing feelings.
“What happens between me and Liam isn’t your fault,” I tell him sincerely. He owes no loyalty to Liam. I do, and because of that I’m going to fix it. I can’t string Liam along while fighting my true feelings for Raiden. It’s not fair to anyone.
“But if I wouldn't have asked you if you’re in love with him or kissed you the other night, you two would be happy.” His tone is indignant and he’s dropped his gaze to my chest. He’s pouting, because he doesn’t want me to be happy with Liam. He wants me to be happy with him.
“Tell me what you want from me.” I grab his chin in my hand and lightly squeeze his cheeks together. His lips purse and I fight the urge to kiss him.
“What do you mean?” He asks and his words come out muffled because of my grip on him.
“What do you want from me? Is this something casual, something you can forget about when you go back to California or wherever you were before? Or is this something more?” Please god, let it be more. It’s already more for me, but I need the promise from him that he’s not going to run at the first sign of hard times.
“Not casual.” He shakes his head, the soft tendrils of his hair brushing across my hand and I let go of his cheeks to tuck the strands behind his ear. The gem from his cartilage piercing twinkles underneath my bedroom light. I trace the shell of his ear, taking in the soft skin. “I want more, I just don’t know what that looks like.”
