“It's hard not to when it feels like I don’t know you anymore.” I bite out and he flinches, physically recoiling from my words as if they’re causing him pain.
“You’re right. Can we start over? Please? There’s a lot we need to talk about.” He stays at the edge of the couch, tugging on the edge of the blue blanket and knotting it in his hands.
“So talk.” I shrug my shoulders like I couldn’t give a fuck either way, but its not true. I want to know. I want to know what caused the riff between us to begin with, and if after all this time he isreallyhome.
“Can we sit first? I’d rather be sitting, gotta save my strength for hard conversations.” His attempt at a joke falls flat, but he doesn’t wait for me as he rounds the couch and sits on the edge closest to the wall. I take the opposite end, tucking one foot under my body and stretching my prosthetic out in front of me.
“So…”
I quirk an eyebrow at him, waiting for his cue for what he’s going to say next.
“I want to apologize first. I treated you like shit, time and time again. I’m grateful that you always had my back, but now I know that it wasn’t fair to you.” He’s right, it wasn’t fair to me. I would have done anything for Raiden, and when I think of our memories now, they’re tainted because of everything that has brought us to this moment.
“Do you remember freshman year? Our first day?” Raiden asks, and I nod silently. Reminiscing on it now won’t do me any good, but he seems perfectly fine with dredging up the past.
“You held my hand, and it was the best feeling in the world. I had thought you were so cute when I first saw you.. When you moved in next door. But getting to hang out with you was different. You were my best friend but I was starting to feel things for you. More than friends normally do.” He coughs, a little scuffing sound coming out of the back of his throat and he smiles at me apologetically. “But then when people started asking you if we were dating, you vehemently told them they were wrong. You told anyone who brought it up that we were only friends. That we would never be anything more than friends.”
I remember saying that, because the guys on the football team used to give me shit about it. I didn’t know that he had heard me saying those things. I wasn't being negative about him, just about us being together. It was a constant thing and I was tired of having to repeat the same thing everyday.
“And then when we went to Josh’s party, he told me thatyousaid he should ‘shoot his shot.’ Those were the exact words he said to me.”
My blood boils in the veins underneath my skin, the current of emotions running rampant and threatening to hold me under.
“I never said that,” my voice is gruff and his depressed chuckle doesn't make me feel any better.
“I know that now, but I didn’t then. He made it seem like you were the one pushing us together, like you were trying to be cupid or something. I thought he was cute, but I really wantedyou.But you wouldn’t have me, so I thought Josh would do.” He twists his hand in front of him, curling and uncurling them while he nibbles on his bottom lip and I watch him. Tears burn the backs of my eyes. I never knew that and themore I think about it the more I want to punch Josh square in the face.
“What about my 16th birthday?” I ask, hoarsely.
“Josh said you invited him, and he wanted to be by my side the whole time because that’s how he was.”
I knew things were bad with Josh, Raiden had said that the first time all those years ago. I never thought Josh would stoop to that level, but it's Raiden’s words against his. Is Raiden playing me like a fool this time? Trying to see if I’ll jump to his defense like I did back then?
“Can I take a break for a minute before we finish talking? I need a beer and a cookie or I’m going to end up croaking over here.” He stands up, grabbing his bag from where he dropped it by the front door. “If you’ve got the beer, I’ve got the cookies. I used our old recipe.”
“With the semi-sweet chips?” I ask instinctually, standing up and going to the kitchen to get us both a beer while he digs around his bag. When I come back, he’s placing the movie into the DVD player and his tupperware container of cookies is on my coffee table.
I offer him the beer, watching his Adam's apple bob as he takes a long swig. “Thanks,” he says, sitting back on the couch but pulling the cookies closer to the edge so he can reach them. I scoot closer to him, only to be able to reach the cookies though. I grab one, taking a bite. The savoury taste of brown butter and sea salt with the sweet chocolate is heaven in my mouth.
We eat the cookies in silence and I let my brain roll over the new information that I have. I thought Raiden invited Josh to my birthday, the one they were all over each other the entire time and there was nothing I could do but watch. Josh was a manipulative asshole, and I should have known from the moment he started asking me questions about Raiden. There should have been warning bells dinging in my head, warningme of the danger to come. But hindsight is 20/20 and all that jazz, and there’s nothing I can do about it now.
The commercials before the movie start, and I lean over to mute them, enjoying the silence before we get to the harder part of this conversation. There’s so many questions I’ve wanted the answer to. So many things that I’ve wanted to know.
Raiden clears his throat, and sets his empty beer bottle on the table. I finish mine off with one long pull and set it parallel to his. “I’m gonna grab another.”
“Might as well grab the pack, we’re going to need it.” I don’t actually have a pack, I chose to be fancy and take them all out of the cardboard box. But I understand his need all the same. We’re going to need to feel good and loose for the rest of this conversation.
I walk back to the living room with my arms full of beer bottles, and Raiden stands up to help me so I don’t drop them. When we’re both situated, the two of us sharing the middle couch cushion and drinking our beer and munching on cookies until Raiden breaks the silence.
“I’m sorry about running away, after graduation. It was a shitty thing to do.”
The alcohol flowing through my body helps the next words out, “Not as shitty as you going back to Josh.”
He’s quiet, until I hear a small sniffle and turn my head to look at him. He has two tracks running down his face, the liquid diamonds flowing with no sense of reprieve. His choked sobs are loud in the quiet, and I rush to wrap my arms around him. To try and alleviate his pain.
“I lied.”
My world stops spinning for a minute, or maybe it’s the beer going to my head faster than I think it is. I mentally try to catalog when I ate last because maybe that’s my problem right now. I lean back and try to center myself. His brown eyes look even darker right now red rimmed.
