Raiden takes another step back, looking from me to my mom, and back to me. He rubs his fingertips across his lips, tracing the same patterns my mouth just did.
“Rai-,” I start, but he takes a step back. The look of pleasure from a moment ago has completely disappeared. In its place is a look of terror, the emotion is so intense it feels like a kick in the chest.
He turns his head from left to right, quickly scanning the crowd. “I’ve gotta go, I need to find my parents.”
“Raiden,” I tried again, my voice pleading with him to give me a minute.
He doesn’t listen, he doesn't acknowledge that Ineedhim to stay with me. Just for a moment, just until I figure out what the heck happened. He flees, running fast enough through the storm that all I can see is his black graduation gown floating behind him.
I finally look at my mom, and I wish I hadn’t. Pity lines her face and she reaches out to wrap me in a hug, both of our clothes are soaked from the rain but she doesn’t rush me. When her phone starts ringing in her purse, she pulls it out and stares down at it a moment before she puts it back from where she fetched it from.
“Dad’s got the car out front, you ready?”
Am I ready? I look across the football field, taking in that this will be the last time I’m on this field. This is the last time I’ll ever be a high school student.
I nod my head, with more confidence than I’m feeling. My mom keeps her arm around me as we walk to the front entrance of the stadium in silence. I can’t muster any words for a conversation.
Getting in the truck, my dad cranks up the heat to war off the chill from the rain and drives us away. I watch the concretestadium walls grow smaller in the distance, and feel my heart cracking in my chest every mile I put between myself and that moment I shared with Raiden.
I didn't hear from Raiden that night. Or the next day. Or the one after that. His bedroom blinds were shut, effectively keeping me out from seeing him and what he’s going through.
My texts sat unanswered in my messages, every pleading word pathetic but I messed up. I fucked up, horribly. And all I want to do is fix it, for him to give me a chance to fix this between us. I miss my best friend, and this feels like the situation with Josh all over again. Except this time we won’t have school as a buffer to force us together.
Our family trip is next weekend, and I need to patch things up before we are both stuck in the car together in awkward silence.
I can write the kiss off if that’s what he needs to do. It was my first kiss, and it was special because it was with him, but it doesn’t have to mean anything more than that. It can be a meaningful time shared between two friends. In a way, I’m grateful it was him that I experienced it with. Someone who I trust and that I love. We might have had our ups and downs, but we’ve always worked through them. We’ll work through this.
Next weekend comes, and I’m loading my duffle bag into the back of my parents car. I wave to Ema and Rodney as they start over to our house, dragging their suitcases down the sidewalk, the resoundingclick, click,click,of the wheels across every crack in the concrete.
“Where’s Raiden?” I ask, attempting to come off nonchalantly. I glance at Rodney and see the disapproving frown on his face as he looks at Ema to answer my question.
“Josh is in town, so he’s staying home so they can catch up.”
A gunshot goes off in my head, or maybe the ground under my feet actually cracked open and the inner core of the earth iswaiting to suck me down into its molten grips. Either one of those options would be less pain than I actually feel aching in my chest. After everything, after ourkiss,he’s replacing me. Again. Choosing to spend his time with the guy he told me treated him badly.
Maybe kissing him was a mistake. I made him uncomfortable and ruined our friendship for two seconds of pure bliss.
Nausea bubbles in my stomach, and I bypass Ema and Rodney and run into my house. I barely make it to the toilet before I’m heaving, the water that I drank earlier burning my esophagus on its way back up with the bile coasting my stomach. I sit back, resting my head on the wall across from the toilet and stare at the sink, watching the slowdrip, drip,of the leaky faucet. Does the faucet know that it's not working the way it should? That it's letting the water pass through when it's supposed to be cut off?
My dad knocks on the frame of the door, peeking his head in to check on me.
“I’ll be fine, just give me a few minutes,” I say, attempting to push myself off the unforgiving floor. He doesn’t look convinced, but he leaves me to it and shuts the door on his way out.
I rinse out my mouth and splash cold water on my face. The water runs down my arms and splatters against the counter, creating puddles of liquid I’ll need to clean up.
I forced Raiden right back into the arms of the person he confided in me about, I listened to him as he grieved about the relationship he had wanted and lost.
I stare at myself in the mirror, not recognizing myself. When I was younger I prided myself on my stable mindset, when everyone else would get upset I wouldn’t. I didn’t see a reason to let emotions overrun what I knew logically.
Logic isn’t making sense to me right now, and as I wipe up the mess I’ve made, I come to the one conclusion that makesthe most sense. It was always the way my life was supposed to be, and no amount of believing and trying to reason would change it. I thought that I could never live without Raiden by my side, but I’ve already done it once. What’s one more time?
The permanence of the situation hits me in the chest, but I massage the ache away. I repeat the words I used to say to myself in the comfort of my room, the knowledge that no matter where I moved or what I did, my circumstances would never change.
Out in the driveway, I climb into the very back seat, buckling myself in and waiting for everyone else to join us. I stare out the window, watching all the tall trees and bright green grass fly by us in a blur.
On the last day in the cabin, I announced my plans. Watching my mom’s face crumble as she processed the words I had spoken into the quiet. It was a bomb dropped that could have been avoided, but that’s the thing about war. It isn’t always rational, and sometimes things are destroyed in retaliation when nothing else is working the way you want it to.
My dad has tears in his eyes as well, but a proud smile on his face as he stands behind me and massages his hands into my shoulders.
