CHAPTER 1
COWBOY
I’m cleaning up the last of the dishes from dinner and I look over to where my nine-year-old daughter, Rian, is hunched over the book she’s been obsessed with. It’s something to do with dragons and the young girls who tame, train, and ride them. I love that she’s a reader because I certainly wasn’t when I was growing up or now.
My mom always encouraged me to read because it was something she loved since she grew up needing to escape into faraway worlds. She lost herself in the stories she read and felt the need to write her own.
While she was busy hoping I would find some books to get lost in, I avoided them. Instead, I decided to spend most of my time with my dad working the land. The Connors family has owned and operated Sagebrush Ranch for generations.
Ranching is in my blood, but it didn’t soothe my soul, not the same way it did for my dad or does for my younger twin siblings. Even as I worked the land, I felt the pull to somewhere else, to a place where adventure and danger coalesced into something vibrant.
It’s no surprise I ended up in Las Vegas. I thought the neon lights were my savior and, in many ways, they were. But I alsofound the depth of the darkness which hides in the corners of our lives. Finding the Steel Sinners MC gave me a purpose, home, and family I didn’t even realize I was missing until I found it.
As I look at Rian, I realize a little bit of me misses Seneca Falls. Only because of her. Sometimes I worry about the life I’m giving my daughter, and become nostalgic for a childhood she can never have because time changes each generation’s experience. Time and so much more.
Which is why we spend a lot of the summer out on the land. It’s in her blood too.
“You know,” Rian starts, her voice sweet in the way that tells me she’s been waiting for this moment and she’s ready to capitalize on it, “my birthday is coming up.”
I grunt, “I’m aware.”
She looks up at me, and I can’t help but smile. Her eyes. My eyes. My father’s eyes. My brother’s eyes. They’re all the same whiskey color.
I’m glad I look at Rian and can see hints of myself but there are also times when she reminds me of my sister Montana. I was worried Rian would take after the woman who grew her.
And that’s about all Shania was good for.
She was just a hang-around for the club; a one-time fuck, but she gave me something precious. I knew from the beginning there wasn’t going to ever be anything between us and I never lied about it. That doesn’t mean she didn’t want or expect more; she did.
It wasn’t ever going to happen. Not now, not ever.
No one was surprised when Shania didn’t want much to do with Rian when she didn’t get what she wanted from me. That doesn’t stop her from trying to use our daughter as a pawn now and again. Since she married a whale who she met while still trying to be in my orbit, she’s been happily spending his money and hasn’t bothered us as often.
Good riddance as far as I’m concerned. Still, I’m not stupid enough to believe she won’t come back. She’s kind of like a cockroach in that way.
As long as her toxic bullshit doesn’t touch my daughter. I’ll always shield Rian. Always.
But I also know I’m not enough. Not really.
One corner of my mouth twitches at the sly look Rian is shooting me. “What do you want?”
“Like for presents?” She bats her eyelashes at me, and I can’t help but chuckle.
“Okay. We can start there. Do you want a party at the club with a cake and all the trimmings?”
“Duh,” she huffs out and rolls her eyes as she looks down at the book in front of her.
When she starts to bite her lower lip, I know she’s not done yet. I don’t push and just wait. This is how she’s always been.
I’m not sure if she’s organizing her thoughts or just screwing up her courage, but she doesn’t need to. She knows I’ll always try to give her what she wants and needs. Sure, there are certain things she needs to earn because I’m not raising a spoilt brat, but she certainly doesn’t hurt for anything.
“For my present?”
She looks up at me with a hint of uncertainty, and it guts me.
“As long as it’s not a motorcycle, it’s pretty much in the bag,” I assure her.
Rian giggles and for a moment everything is right in the world. Her laughter got me through some tough nights. Nights when I was certain being a dad was going to break me and I wouldn’t be able to keep it all together. Then she’d laugh or smile or hug me and tell me how much she loved me.
