40
Denise - Take Control of What I Can
Xena dropped me off at home about an hour ago. She offered to stay and hang out, but I really just wanted to be alone, so I sent her on her way. I’ve had a shit few days and I need time to process.
As soon as I get into my house, I go straight upstairs to shower. After being in Gran’s place, that close to Andrew after he went off the rails, and then spending some time in the police station, I feel the need to scrub myself clean. How did I ever let Andrew touch me? How did I not see his craziness from miles away? I stand under the shower spray and use a loofah and my favourite coconut body wash to scrub my skin until it’s pink. And then I just stand under the spray until it gets too cold to deal with before I get out.
I still have Ryder’s shirt and even though I should probably wash it, I decide to wear it again anyway because it’s comfortable, and it makes me feel good. After towel drying my hair, I throw it up in a messy top knot and run to my dresser for pants. I was in the cold shower long enough that the chill has soaked into my skin, so I grab a pair of comfy joggers and throw on some thick socks to top off my stellar outfit. I wonder if this would meet Andrew’s approval? The audacity of that guy. Thinking he could just turn me into what he wanted. And I almost went ahead and stayed with him for the baby.
And we’re back to the baby again. Gran and I both told Andrew that the baby is Ryder’s, and Ryder didn’t even flinch. He says I wouldn’t be trapping him if we got together, but I feel so guilty about it, anyway. He didn’t choose this. Ryder just happened to realize that he has feelings for me at an inopportune time, and he feels like he should step up since Andrew is an asshole. That’s not a good basis for a relationship, especially not one with a kid involved.
I go downstairs and grab my embroidery kit out of the office. I left my current project in Ryder’s car so I’ll need to start something new and I have just the thing. Ryder mentioned how much he liked some of the other pieces I’ve made, so I will work on a little something for him. Before I can decide what it will be, my phone rings from my purse on the hook by the door. Because I rush to answer, I don’t notice that it’s my mother calling. I probably would have let it go to voicemail if I had.
“Hello?”
“Denise. What’s this I hear about you having Andrew arrested?”
“Nice to speak to you too, mother. How are you?” She’s never been one for small talk and I like to irritate her by putting off whatever questions she asks until she’s at least greeted me.
“Yes, hello Denise. How are you? Now about Andrew?”
“What about him, mother? I didn’t have him arrested. He threatened my friend’s grandmother with a knife and the police arrested him when they arrived. That’s what happens when you commit crimes, mother. The police arrest you.”
“Yes, Denise. I’m aware. But I was told that you were the one who called the police. Which is basically the same thing as having him arrested. His mother is furious with me.”
“I called the police because he sent me a message threatening Ryder’s Gran. What should I have done differently? Allowed him to hurt her?”
“You know he was just doing that to get your attention, darling. He just wanted to win you back. I didn’t even know you had broken up with him. Why would you do such a thing? You know how close your father and I are with his parents. This could ruin our friendship.”
“Mother, Andrew has been trying to change me into someone I’m not. And when I dumped him for that, he refused to believe it. He showed up at my friends’ engagement party and tried to cause a scene outside. Then when I brought him to my place to break the news of my pregnancy, he freaked out and started breaking stuff. He might have even hurt me if Ryder hadn’t shown up and gotten him out of my house for me.”
“Well, you should be glad for him wanting to make you a better person. And his mother told me you’re pregnant with that Ryder man’s baby. How would you expect Andrew to react? After you cheated on him and got pregnant with that trashy man’s baby? But luckily for you, he’s agreed to forgive you and take you back. So you need to call the police immediately and drop the charges against him so you can get back to your life with him. And it’s past time you leave that silly job and do something better with your life. Now that you and Andrew will be getting married you can stay home and raise the babies.”
For some reason, I expected more from my mother. She just learned that I’m having her grandchild and the only thing she’s concerned about is how my relationship with Andrew makes her look. She didn’t even congratulate me or ask me how I’m feeling. I should have realized when she introduced me to him that it wasn’t inmybest interests that she did so. My parents have always been selfish, and not just when it came to looking after me when I was sick as a kid, apparently. This isn’t how family should be. This isn’t howmyfamily is going to be.
“Mother, I want you to listen to me very carefully.” I enunciate slowly. I’ve finally had enough and she will hear what I have to say. “My relationships are not your concern. You are my mother, you are supposed to support me, but since you can’t seem to do that, I think it’s best we not talk for a while. Now, before that happens, I will tell you a few things. First: Andrew is not coming back into my life for any reason. If you choose to have him in yours, I will not be there. Second: I am having Ryder’s baby. If I am going to be with anyone, it is going to be him. And third: I like myself the way I am. I am not changing for you, or for anyone else. If I make any changes, they will be because I want them, and not because anyone else has told me I should. Now, if you can deal with these things, then I would be happy to see you sometime soon to discuss what your relationship with your grandchild will be going forward. But for now, I don’t want to talk to you, and I don’t want to hear anything else about Andrew. If the next thing out of your mouth isn’t an apology, then I will hang up.”
“Well, I never-”
“Alright mother, I guess that’s your decision.”
And then I hang up the phone. On my mother. After telling her to butt out of my life for the first time in 36 years.
Rolling on the high from actually telling my mother off, instead of just quietly rebelling as I’ve done up to this point in my life, I head into my office and sit at the computer. I think it’s time to contact my lawyer and see if there is some way to keep Andrew out of my life for good. If Ryder wants to be with me, I need to know that it’s not just because he thinks it’s the only way to keep me safe from Andrew. If I can prove to Ryder that Andrew can’t get to me or the baby, then I will believe him if he says he doesn’t feel obligated to be with me just to keep me safe.
