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Ryder - Help Me Be That Guy
“Well, kiddo,” Gran sits next to me on the couch and pats my knee. “You’ve made a right mess of this one, haven’t you?”
I groan. “Ugh, don’t remind me. What am I going to do, Gran? Pretty sure Denise hates me now. She compared me to Andrew.Afterhe came here and threatened you with a knife.”
“Yeah, you were acting like a right little prick, weren’t you?” She laughs. “That girl has more independence in her little finger than I’ve seen in most women’s entire bodies. And here you thought you could try telling her what she can and can’t do. I always thought you were smarter than that but you sure proved me wrong.”
“Dumb as a bag of hammers, this one,” Gladys says as she smacks me on the head from where she stands behind the couch. “Tea?”
I take the cup she’s offered to me. This one appropriately reads ‘dumbass’. I’m positive she chose it on purpose, just for me.
“How many of these cups do you have?” I ask Gran. “I don’t think I’ve seen the same one twice.”
One big sip of my ‘tea’ has me sputtering. “Dammit, Gladys. This isnottea!”
“That’s better than tea, young man. Whiskey will put hair on your chest.”
“I’m not ready for hair on my chest, Gladys. I just paid a very nice lady a lot of money to torture me with hot wax and rip it all out. If it grows back too soon, it’ll all be for nothing.”
“I don’t believe you actually did that,” Gladys says. “What’s that the kids are saying these days? Pics or it didn’t happen?”
“For the last time, Gladys. Stop trying to see my grandson naked. You’re about 90 years too old for him, and he already has that nice Denise to think about.”
“Ugh, Denise. What am I going to do about that, Gran? How will I win her trust? It’s like she just starts to think I might be worth something and then I say or do something stupid and she thinks I’m an idiot all over again.” I slurp back my whole cup of ‘tea’, savouring the burn as it slides down my throat. Now that I’m not expecting tea, it’s not actually that bad. It’s not the vodka that I normally drink when wallowing in my own misery, but it’ll do for now.
“Well, I’d say step one is that you need to stop being an idiot.”
“Thanks, Gran,” I say, my voice dripping with sarcasm. “Why didn’t I think of that?”
“If you have thought about it, you sure haven’t worked too hard to actually do it. What have you done to show her you’re worth her time? To show her that letting you into her life in a meaningful way isn’t going to end up in her having someone else to take care of, other than this baby?”
“I know I wouldn’t want to be facing having a baby alone with the only man showing interest being one who needs more taking care of than an infant.” Gladys offers from her spot next to me on the couch. I’m book ended by old ladies who are taking turns berating me. This is not how I expected this evening to go. “Incompetence is not an attractive trait in a man.”
“OK, so far I’ve taken her shopping at Lana’s for all the baby furniture. And bought it all and plan to be there when they deliver it to set it all up for her. I’ve talked to her about how she wants to do the nursery so I can have that all done before the furniture gets there. And I threw together a small party for today to welcome the baby to the family and to show Denise that she will have more support than she can handle. So what else do I need to do?”
Gran and Gladys both look at me, eyes wide and mouths open.
“You’ve done all that already?” Gladys asks.
“You’re not as dumb as you look after all,” Gran adds.
“Why does everyone keep saying that? Do I really look that dumb?”
“Well, you know,” Gran starts. “You’re a good-looking fella, you have muscles, you’re almost always smiling, and you do a lot of silly stuff to make people laugh. You don’t exactly come across like a rocket scientist.”
“I guess I didn’t think acting like an idiot for so long would convince people that I actually am an idiot.” I huff out a breath and sink back into the couch. “Maybe I am as dumb as I look.”
Gran pats my knee. “No, you’re not. You’ve got a good head start on making that girl realize you’re a good man. We just need to figure out what else you need to do to make her really believe it. This situation she’s in is complicated.”
“But did you notice she didn’t deny your gran or that dipshit when they said the baby was yours? She even said it herself.”
“That was just to get Andrew off her case and out of the picture. All of our friends have come to that same conclusion. The easiest way to get Andrew out of her life is to let him believe I am the father, since he already thinks she cheated on him with me. That wasn’t a declaration of her love for me, just an expedient way to cut him out of her life for good.”
“While that may be true, you can’t deny that she feels something for you. I can tell just by looking at that girl. She lights up when you’re nearby,” Gran tells me.
“And you’re the same way with her,” Gladys adds. “I’ve never seen such a dumb smile as the one you have when you look at her. It makes me want to puke. But in a good way.”
