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Ryder - That Damn Medusa and my Boner Freak Out
This visit to see my Gran could go one of two ways: either she loves Denise and wants to keep her forever, or she loves Denise but scares her away with her ‘interesting’ personality. Either way, she loves Denise, though, so at least I don’t need to worry about that.
“On Sundays I usually go visit my Gran in her retirement community, Peaceful Pines,” I tell Denise. “And she can sometimes be a little bit much for people.”
“You visit every Sunday? That’s so sweet.”
“Almost every Sunday, and it’s not as sweet as you’d think. Gran isn’t like those sweet old ladies you see knitting sweaters in TV shows.”
“OK,” Denise drawls. “So what is she like then?”
“Well, there’s not a good way to explain it, so you’d better just wait and see for yourself. I just wanted you to know that you shouldn’t expect any typical grandmother type behaviour during this visit.”
“Alright, I will keep an open mind.” She looks confused and I suppose I could give her a better warning, but the truth is, I never know what to expect when I visit Gran.
One time I came to see her, and she’d gone sky-diving with the ladies from her book club. Another time I showed up to a hundred old people in their bathing suits, painting their bodies with glow paint, getting ready for an early-bird rave. And yet another time, she and her friends had stolen a bunch of flatbed shopping carts from the hardware store and were having races around the parking lot. If I ever need to move to a retirement community, I hope it’s one like this.
I pull into the visitors’ parking lot at Peaceful Pines and shut off the car.
“This might be a longer visit, if you want to bring your bag with you this time. Gran is still in independent living, so when I visit I do her deep-cleaning and change her sheets and stuff. She hates it when I do, but I like to help her out.”
Denise reaches into the back seat for the bag she put there while I get out of the vehicle. I’m walking around the front to open Denise’s door for her when suddenly at least 20 little old ladies and men jump up from beside the other vehicles parked around us.
“Fire!” I hear my Gran yell, and then I’m being pelted with a seemingly never-ending barrage of water balloons. What the fuck? That’s sticky. And gooey. Shit! That’s not water, it’s Jell-O.
“Gran!” I yell. “I surrender. Stop! Call them off. Gran, help!”
The barrage stops shortly after my screaming does, but it has less to do with Gran taking pity on me and more to do with the geriatric gang of misfits running out of balloons.
“Gotcha good, you little peckerhead,” Gran’s best friend, Gladys, yells while she laughs at me. “You’re going to be washing Jell-O out of your pubes for weeks!”
“Jokes on you, Gladys,” I say before really thinking it through. “I had a full body wax yesterday. I don’t haveanybody hair,at all.” I slap my face with my palm as I finish talking. I know what’s coming next.
“No shit?” Gladys says. “Well, whip it out. Let’s have a look.”
“Gladys, you old pervert. You’re not looking at my grandson’s dick.” Gran turns to me. “You can show it to me, though, Ryder. Remember the first time you got a little boner, and you came running out, all worried, and showed it to me? Poor little fella. You thought you were turning into a statue.”
Fuck, why would she say that now. I hope Denise is still in the car and didn’t hear that. The sound of the car door closing tells me that she most likely did, though.
“Turning into a statue, hey? That’s a weird thing to assume.” Denise is laughing. “Why on earth would you think that?”
I flash a dirty look to Gran. “Yeah, Gran. Why would I think that, I wonder? Any ideas?”
“Oh, don’t look at me like that. You’re the one who was so gullible.” She turns to look at Denise now. “I may have told him a little fib about my mean old neighbour being Medusa, and that if she caught him in her yard, he would slowly turn to stone.”
Both Denise and Gladys are laughing at me now.
“Hunter threw my ball into her yard, so I had to go get it, and she saw me. I don’t think I’ve ever run so fast. And then when I got into some of Gran’s reading material and popped a woody a few days later…”
Denise is leaning with her arms on the hood of my car, with her forehead resting on her arms. Huge laughs are coming from her and she’s shaking with the effort. I walk over and pick up her purse and her bag and point towards Gran’s building.
“Alright ladies, let’s get this shitshow of a visit going. Denise, this is my Gran, Delores, and her best friend, Gladys. Gladys and Gran, this is Denise. Gladys and Gran live next door to each other. Gran is in #3 and Gladys is in #5.” I make quick work of the introductions. From how this visit has started, I have a feeling it will be in our best interest to get out of here before these old birds do something even more ridiculous. “Denise and I have a dinner to get to later and if she spends the rest of the afternoon laughing, I’m going to have to take her home to sleep instead.”
Gladys and Gran walk arm in arm to Gran’s little cottage, both of them still giggling at both my childhood embarrassment and my current sticky state, leaving me to take care of Denise while she gets her laughter under control. Once she’s standing up straight, I lace her fingers with mine and lead her toward Gran’s cottage.
“You know,” I lean over and whisper in her ear. “I can still get as stiff as a statue. I’d love to show you later.”
Her mouth drops open, and she stops walking. I chuckle a little at the look on her face.
“I’m teasing you, Denise. Come on, let’s go see what else Gran has planned to embarrass me and corrupt you. If you think that statue story was bad, just wait. I’m sure she has all sorts of tricks up her sleeve.”
“You asshole,” she says through a laugh. “I can’t wait to hear more embarrassing stories. And I hope you don’t think I’m keeping them to myself later either. I’m sure the guys would love to hear about the Medusa neighbour and your first boner freak out.”
She laughs the entire walk to Gran’s place, and I don’t think I could love a sound more. Except the sounds she makes when I make her come. I love those the most. Just thinking about them is giving me a semi.
I stop outside Gran’s place and let Denise go in ahead of me. I just need a minute to stop myself from turning completely into a statue. That damn Medusa.
