29
Ryder - It’s Not a Trap if I Want to Go
Iget up and reach for Denise’s hand, and she avoids it. Something’s up.
“Is everything alright?”
“I think we should talk, Ryder.” She won’t look me in the eye. Whatever it is she wants to talk to me about, it can’t be good. She doesn’t seem to like it much, anyway.
“I’m not sure I want to hear this,” I admit. “You seem upset.”
“Let’s go to the living room.”
I follow her and watch as she takes a seat in the armchair. I was hoping to put less space between us, not more, but whatever she needs to feel comfortable is what I’ll give her.
“So…” She still hasn’t looked at me. Her hands are in her lap, and she’s playing nervously with her fingers, tapping them against each other. “I’m going to have a baby.”
I just look at her, waiting for the rest of whatever it is she’s saying, but she just continues to look down at her hands.
“No! Really?” Probably not the most helpful thing to say, but I’m not sure where she’s going with this, and I’m trying to lighten the mood.
She laughs at me a little before finally continuing. “OK fine, I deserved that.”
“No, you didn’t. I just wanted to make you laugh. You seem upset? Is there anything I can do?”
She takes a deep breath and looks up at me. “Ryder, you’ve been amazing through this whole thing.”
“I told you, I’m here to take care of you. Whether that’s when you’re sick or when you’re pregnant, or even when your ex comes into your house and screams at you and breaks your stuff.”
“That’s what I’m trying to tell you, Ryder. I can’t let you take care of me. It’s not fair to you.”
“What do you mean, it’s not fair? All I’ve wanted for so long is the chance to be with you. Taking care of you when you were sick, and helping you these last few days, has been my pleasure. It’s been an honour, really. I don’t understand why you would think that’s not fair.”
I move to the end of the couch closest to her and reach out to place a hand on her knee. Without missing a beat, she removes it. Uh oh.
“Ryder, we can’t keep doing this. I’m having someone else’s baby. I can’t force you into this position. It feels like I’m trapping you. That’s what’s not fair.”
Ah, finally she gets to the point. But is it because she doesn’t want to trap me or because she doesn’t think I’m capable of being the man that she needs? Either way, I know she wants me, and if she weren’t having a baby, then this wouldn’t be an issue right now.
Which means it’s not an issue.
I meant it when I said I would be lucky if Denise were having my baby, but I would also be lucky if she let me be with her when she has this baby.
“It’s not a trap when I walk in willingly, with my eyes and heart wide open.”
I stand up and pull Denise up with me, wrapping my arms around her. It seems like she wants to slip away for a moment, but then she relaxes into my embrace, wrapping her arms around my waist and resting her head on my chest. I hold her for a little longer before leaning back to look in her eyes.
“I may have spontaneously proposed yesterday, and that may have been rushing things a bit. Even if it wasn’t, it certainly wasn’t done in the way that you deserve, and for that I’m sorry. But I still want to be with you. Even now, knowing that you are having someone else’s baby, I still want to be with you. Because to me, this isn’t someone else’s baby.” I place one hand on her stomach. “This is your baby. Andeverythingabout you is amazing, including this baby.”
I pull her back into my arms, her face resting against my chest. I can feel her tears through my shirt. What am I going to do to make her see how serious I am?
“I don’t want you worried about whether you are being fair to me. I only want you to think about doing what is going to make you the happiest. Because whatever makes you happy, makes me happy. Understand?”
She nods her head against me, answering without words.
“OK, good.” I pull back again and wipe the tears from her cheeks. “Now, we’ve had enough depressing conversations for one day. OK? Let’s do something.” I kiss her on the forehead. “I’m not complaining about how amazing your ass looks in those yoga pants, and you already know how much I love seeing you in my shirt, but why don’t you go get dressed and come somewhere with me for a bit? There are a couple of things I need to do. And after, we can go over to Alex and Connor’s place for family dinner.”
She nods again and takes herself upstairs to get dressed. I pull out my phone and make arrangements for what I plan to do. I didn’t actually have anything planned, but Denise needs a distraction and I know the perfect place to go. Hopefully, it doesn’t blow up in my face.
