“So what did you think of my idea?” Devon asks, expertly maneuvering his chopsticks with his giant fingers, trying to snag my last shiitake mushroom roll while he has me distracted.
“Nice try, Tiny Dancer.” I may as well use Xena’s nickname for him, even if I don’t know what it means. Yet. “You’re not stealing the last shiitake roll from the pregnant lady, are you?”
He looks at me, shocked when I use my own chopsticks to snatch the roll right as he’s about to put it in his mouth. I quickly shove it in my mouth before he has a chance to recover, smiling at him through teeth full of seaweed and rice.
“That’s gross,” he laughs. “Celebrate your petty victory after you’re done chewing your ill-gotten gains, you heathen.”
Xena and I both howl with laughter, our senses of humour obviously not very refined. My mouth is still full and I have to fight not to choke on my food while I laugh. Seeing how hard we’re laughing has Devon joining in, and in no time the three of us are trying desperately to catch a breath between our guffaws. Tears are streaming down Xena’s face, I’ve given up and spit my food into my napkin for safety’s sake, and Devon has his head down on the table while his shoulders shake with silent laughter. It’s not like it was even that funny, but we’re all laughing like we’ve lost our minds. Must be the effects of sleep deprivation.
I imagine we’re quite the sight for Ryder when he walks in at just the moment our laughter is at its most hysterical.
“Looks like I missed the party,” he says, the grin on his face coming through in his voice. “What’s so funny?”
The three of us look up at where Ryder stands in the doorway, trying to get the laughter under control, when Devon looks over at my half-chewed shiitake roll sitting on my napkin.
“All… that… and you… didn’t even… eat it?!” He barely gets the words out in between snorts of laughter. Which of course sends Xena and I both into another uncontrollable fit of giggles.
Rather than try to make sense of the situation, Ryder grabs a plate from the cupboard and sits in the empty seat at the table. He loads up his plate and eats silently while looking at the three of us, the howling hyenas that we are, with a grin on his face.
“At leasthegrins with his mouth closed when there’s food in there.” Devon chokes out through laboured breaths, which starts us laughing all over again.
Ryder has the chance to finish his plate, clean up the dishes and leftovers from the table, start the dishwasher, and drink an entire soda, before the three of us have calmed down enough to make any sense.
“OK, so now can someone tell me what happened?” Ryder asks again.
Of course, as is usually the case, the explanation lacks the hilarity of the initial situation, so Ryder just ends up shaking his head at us with a little smile on his face.
“Well, I’m glad you all are having fun at least.” he says before sliding his chair over to sit closer to me. Xena catches the move right away and wiggles her eyebrows at me. That bitch doesn’t miss a thing. “So babe, far be it from me to tell you what to eat but… I was looking up pregnancy stuff and apparently one of the main things you shouldn’t eat, other than caffeine, is sushi.”
“Whoa, hold up there, my guy.” Xena stands and leans over the table as far as she can, and points at Ryder with a chopstick as though it’s a switchblade. “I’m rooting for you two and all, but don’t be telling Denise what to do with her own body or I swear to god, I will stab this chopstick so far up your peehole you’ll be pissing toothpicks for a month.”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa, calm down Princess.” Devon reaches out and slowly takes the chopstick from her hand, easing her back in her chair. “That’s not what he was doing. Right, Ryder?”
Ryder’s face is completely pale, and he looks a little sweaty. I don’t think the thought of chopsticks in his peehole is something he enjoys.
“Huh? Oh yeah, no, that’s not what I meant at all. I was trying to be helpful. But I’m sure Denise already knew about the sushi thing, anyway. I didn’t mean to imply that she wasn’t making the best possible choices for herself.” Good save, Ryder.
I leave the table for a moment, coming back with a stack of pregnancy books. Sitting back in my chair, I put the pile down in front of Ryder.
“This is my collection of pregnancy books. Remember when you saw me at the bookstore? Well, this is what I was actually buying. I had picked up a couple of wedding magazines for Alex, but I used them to hide the rest of what was in the basket.” I motion to the books. “But I haven’t gotten around to reading them yet. They’ve just been sitting in my office. So if you want to share things you’ve learned, then by all means, please do. Just know that I won’t automatically listen to your advice.”
I sit back down in my chair and Xena reaches across the table to grab the book on top of the pile. The classicWhat to Expect When You’re Expecting.
“I’m pretty sure we all know what to ultimately expect. You’re going to push a baby out of your vag, and it’s going to hurt like a motherhumper.” Xena shudders. “Then you’re going to spend the next five years wiping his ass, and trying to stop him from eating stuff off the floor.”
“Wow, thanks for that beautiful, and thoughtful, review of childbirth and motherhood,” Ryder snarks. “I’m not sure Denise needs to worry about the pain of childbirth just yet, though. She still has to grow the baby until it’s big enough to come out and see us. Let’s give her some time to get used to that before we start scaring her with the details.”
Ryder has somehow slid his chair right next to mine without me noticing, and I feel his arm wrap protectively around my shoulders. I lean in reflexively, forgetting that I’m not supposed to be encouraging his attempts to be closer to me. It’s almost as though when he’s this close my body betrays what my brain logically knows. ‘Oh, I shouldn’t trap Ryder into a relationship with me. I’m having another man’s baby,’ says my brain. Then my body reacts to his touch without my consent. I need to get this under control, so I slip out from under his shoulder and scoot my chair away a little. We’re going to need to talk about this soon. I can’t let myself fall any more under his spell.
“Thanks, Ryder,” I say, to soften the blow of me obviously moving away from him. “I will learn about the horrors of childbirth eventually but for now I just want to worry about how fat my ass is going to get, and whether I’ll be able to find maternity clothes that I actually like that will fit it.”
“Okay, okay. Point taken,” Xena apologizes. “How about I take on researching maternity clothes and I’ll find you some stuff that will work for you?”
“Yes, thanks. That would be a much better use of your time.” I point at the pile of pregnancy books. “I’m sure these books will tell me all the horrible stuff that I will need to know.”
Devon pulls his phone from his pocket and looks at the screen.
“I need to get going,” he says while standing and taking his plate to the sink. “Johnny needs my help with something. You going to be OK here?” It doesn’t escape my notice that he directs this question to Ryder, but I’m not going to make a thing of it. I know they’re all just concerned that Andrew might come back. They just want to make sure I’m not alone if that happens.
