“That’s my favourite idea so far. It would be so much easier if Andrew would just go away. What are the chances that he does that on his own, considering he doesn’t even think this baby is his?”
“That’s it!” Xena jumps up off the couch, her finger pointing up as though she’s just shouted ‘eureka!’, and not ‘that’s it’. “What if you just tell him he was right? That it’s Ryder’s baby? Then you and Ryder get married and bing, bang, boom, you get Andrew out of your life and Ryder into your bed all in one go.”
When I was telling Xena about recent events, I neglected to divulge the face that Ryder and I had already been in bed together. And I certainly didn’t tell her about his impromptu naked proposal.
“Well,” I draw out. “Ryder has been in my bed already-”
“WHAT!? Why didn’t you lead with that? Or at the very least you could have told me about that before telling me about Andrew being a dickhead. You need to tell me everything. When, how, where, all the details. Go.” She gestures while pulling her legs up to sit cross-legged on the couch, getting comfortable, indicating that I should start now.
“You will get general details, not specifics.” I say, chuckling. “You know how sex works so I’m not giving you the blow by blow.”
“Oh my god! There was blowing? How was it? Did you have to unhinge your jaw like a snake when it’s eating something large? I’ve heard rumours about him, I just need confirmation from a reputable source.” She leans forward, very interested in whatever answer I can give her.
“What the fuck? No. First off, a snake’s jaws don’t actually dislocate to swallow prey. That’s a myth. They have stretchy ligaments that connect their jawbone to their skull, rather than the jawbone hooking in like ours do.” Nothing like needing to give a spontaneous snake anatomy lesson to make me thankful for the National Geographic channel. “Also, what!? That’s such a disgusting thing to imagine. Someone’s jaw coming unhinged to suck an enormous dick? Gross.”
She laughs, leaning back again. “OK then, go on.”
I get her caught up to speed, glossing over the details but telling her about the deck incident, as well as the sexy nap time before the party. And then I drop the bomb. I don’t mention the fact that Ryder wasn’t entirely in his boxers, that he was standing there with his upside-down bug-eyed pants-party puppet still on display from showing me the results of his waxing session, but I do tell her he was just in his underwear.
“Ryder proposed yesterday.”
“I… what… he did… holy… what did you… is this real…”
Oh fuck. I think I broke Xena.
Thank god the doorbell rings before I have to put her back together.
