“That asshole! I’m five minutes away, Alex. Make sure you save some for me. I’m going to take pleasure in beating his ass.”
“I have to act now because he won’t last another five minutes. He doesn’t have that kind of stamina.”
Becca chuckles a little at my confession. Maybe she thinks I’m making a joke at Derek’s expense, but I’m really not. He’s not quite a two pump chump, but he’s pretty damn close.
“Yeah, Derek, harder, harder! It feels so good, your cock is so big.” the dirty slut, his words, not mine, screams as I continue to listen at the door. Derek’s dick is mediocre at best, so either this chick has the tightest pussy on earth or she’s lying. I’m going with lying. Nobody’s pussy isthattight.
“Are you gonna come for me, baby?”
Shit, that’s Derek’s way of saying ‘I’m going to come soon and if you don’t, that’s your problem.’ Ever the selfless lover, that Derek. That means if I want to surprise him in the act, I need to get in there soon.
“Becca, are you almost here?”
“On my way up. Is the door unlocked?”
“Yup, come right in. I’ll be the one in the bedroom swinging the umbrella.”
I turn the doorknob to the bedroom, careful not to make any noise. I push the door open to the sound of moans and grunts. Fucking Derek and his grunting.. He’s facing away from the door, pumping into Miss dirty slut from behind, so I sneak up behind him while raising my ladybug umbrella. From this angle, I can see his hairy balls flopping around. Gross.
“It’s happening baby, I’m gonna come now, it’s happening… ungh, ungghhh.”
I creep closer to the bed as Derek thrusts erratically and grunts some more. I grip the top of the umbrella with both hands, step right into it, and swing that ladybug like I’m Babe Ruth, breaking the handle off on Derek’s cheating ass.
“And it’s a home run! The crowd goes wild!” Becca yells from behind me. Looks like she got here just in time. She puts her hands up like a megaphone and makes noises like a crowd is cheering for me. Derek’s screaming drowns her out, though. He throws himself off the bed, leaving Miss dirty slut exposed.
Becca is in the room and pretending to run the bases while collecting the chick’s clothes from the floor.
“You have a girlfriend?” miss dirty slut screams at Derek. She frantically tries to cover herself with the sheet. “You fucker!”
“Hehada girlfriend,” I correct her, while Becca passes her clothes to her. “Looks like we just broke up.”
Derek’s eyes are wide. He looks like a fish with the way he keeps opening and shutting his mouth. He’s sitting on his hip on the floor while he rubs his ass gingerly. Good. I hope he can’t sit for a month.
“I’m so sorry,” the girl says to me. Her eyes are wide and her lip quivers a little. “I had no idea he had a girlfriend.”
“No worries,” I tell her. “I’ve been through this enough times that I know the side chick is rarely aware of the situation. All the blame lies with that asshole over there.” I point the remaining pieces of the umbrella at Derek. “Isn’t that right, Derek?”
Derek flinches a little and scoots back while I point at him. He probably thinks I’m going to break the rest of this umbrella over him. Which he sorely deserves. The girl stands up, holding her clothes to cover her body as best she can.
“Um, so yeah. I think I’m just going to get dressed and go if that’s cool? Leave you and Derek to work this out.” She looks over at Derek. “Don’t call me,” she says. “Ever.”
She takes tiny shuffling steps past both me and Becca to get out the bedroom door. I hear her stop and get dressed in the hallway, and shortly after the door to the apartment opens and closes as she leaves.
“Alright, let’s get to work, shall we?”
“You bet,” says Becca, giving Derek a dirty look. “Be right back.”
“Please don’t hurt me Alex. I’m sorry, I love you. I’ll never do it again. I didn’t mean to do it.”
Tears fall down Derek’s cheeks as he crawls around looking for his underwear while continuing to spew the typical cheater’s nonsense apology. I love you, I’m sorry, it was an accident; I tripped and my dick landed in her vagina. Blah, blah, blah. I’ve heard it all before. I kick his boxers over, not because I care about his dignity, but because I don’t want to see his dick and balls flapping around anymore. I can’t believe I ever thought he was cute. Of course, crawling around on the floor while crying probably isn’t a good look on anyone.
“Quit being a little bitch, Derek. I’m not going to hurt you more. Probably. I’ve already ruined a perfectly good umbrella, after all. I refuse to break anything else trying to teach you a lesson that I don’t actually care if you learn. I’m sure you will cheat again, because once a cheater always a cheater. But I guarantee you won’t ever cheat on me again, because I won’t give you that chance. Now get the fuck out, I have packing to do. I’ll leave the keys with security.” At least I’m smart enough to never give them a second chance.
Now if I could just figure out what it is about me that makes them cheat in the first place.
Derek protests just as Becca returns with some boxes. And a little something extra.
“Hey slugger, catch,” she winks, while tossing me a baseball bat. “In case you’re not done with batting practice.”
