Oh shit.Nice one, West.Trust me to not think about the fact that Daisy can’t drink.“Sorry.I didn’t think about—”
“My breasts?”
I baulk, and stare at her eyes, or at least that’s how it starts, and then my gaze drifts because she just mentioned them and now, I can’t think of anything else.I clear my throat.She laughs as she bends over to remove a dish from the oven, and now I’m staring at my second favorite body part.Jesus, man.Get a grip.
“Relax.I’m just kidding around.”She removes two glasses from the cupboard and opens the bottle of wine, pouring me a large serving before screwing the cap back on.She fills her own glass with lemonade from the fridge, and sips it as she watches me.“You know, babies look pretty good on you, West Winchester.”
“So long as they’re not screaming for their mother.”
“Listen, do you mind holding him while I take a quick shower?I tried to get one in earlier, but someone doesn’t like to sleep.I promise I will not abandon you this time.”
“Go for it,” I say casually, hoping my fear isn’t written all over my face.I’m still a little traumatized by her last shower.“Do you need me to do anything here?Should I put the baby down?”
“No.”She shakes her head emphatically.“Do not do that.Just keep doing what you’re doing.I’ll be back in five.”
Before I can say anything else, she disappears.I sit at the kitchen table, every movement a lesson in discipline and caution, so I won’t disturb him.When I glance down again, his big eyes are wide open and staring right at me.
“Damn it,” I whisper.Waylon begins whimpering and squirms.Tiny grunts come from the kid, and then there’s a godawful smell, and a sound that strikes fear into the heart of all non-parents everywhere.
Shit.
Literally.
“Really, kid?You couldn’t have waited until your mama got back?”
I don’t know what the protocol here is.This kid is not mine, and I don’t know the first thing about changing diapers.I also don’t wanna come off like a freak, so I rock the wailing, squirming, stinky child in my arms, and by the time Daisy-Mae comes back, I’m covered in shit too.
This kid is coated head to toe, and I’m nursing him along the length of my forearm, cradling his head in my palm, and holding him out from my body as baby shit seeps through his onesie and out the other side.
Daisy-Mae covers her laughter.“I leave you boys for five minutes and this is what I come back to?”
I thrust the kid toward her.“Take him.”
She backs up, her arms held up in a warding gesture.“I just showered.I am not taking him.”
“He’s your kid.”
“Um-hmm, and you can take him in on his changing table while I get a bath ready.”
I glance at her, horrified.“Daisy.”
The kid is screaming now, turning red in the face and ...wait, is he workin’ on more dookie?“Oh, hell no!”
“On second thoughts, I think a shower might be in order.”She leads me into the main bathroom and runs the water, stripping off the baby.The smell gets worse before it gets better, and before I know it, she’s shoving me into the cubicle with her kid.
“Daisy!”I protest.“I can’t.”
“Don’t you dare drop my baby boy, West,” she says, all business now.
“I’m getting wet, Daisy-Mae.”
“That’s kind of the point.We gotta get that stink off both of you boys.Now hold him against your chest.He’s a kid, not a grenade.”
“Yeah?Tell that to my shirt, ’cause he sure made a mess like one.”
I do as she says though because my jeans, belt, shirt and socks are already wet and I’m holding a screaming newborn under the faucet as Daisy washes the shit off him.
In a matter of minutes, he’s clean, and she’s rescued the poor kid and wrapped him in a dry towel, and I just stand there under the spray, watching her like she’s superwoman ...because she is.As far as I know, Daisy’s never done this before, and yet, she’s a natural.Meanwhile, I’m over here like a fucking chump complaining about a little shit.
