Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Beau drop his head like he felt the weight of the world on his shoulders.
Same, bro. Same.
“What… How would that even look?” Ryker asked quietly. “I mean, it’s Gio. It’s, it’s…”
“So fucking hard, I know.” Leif shook his head. “And I’m not advocating for it to happen soon. I just…really need to know if this is the end of the Long Licks. Because that makes signing that solo deal a helluva lot easier. The label can always put together a ‘best of’ album to finish up our contract. But honestly, that’s not what I want. I want you guys back in my life. I want the band back together. Like we used to be.”
“It’s not. It’s never going to be the same again.” The words shot out of my mouth like an accusation. So filled with pain because I was too. “Gio is gone, and I just can’t…I don’t know how we move forward without him.”
Ryker leaned toward me with a concerned expression. “Regardless of what happens with the band, you are moving forward without him. He’s gone, Mal. What exactly are you trying to say here? Are you… Are you thinking about hurting yourself?”
“What? No!” I shook my head, baffled that that was the conclusion he’d come to. “What the fuck are you talking about?”
“You sounded like a man at the end of his rope, honestly.” Leif leaned forward, bracing his arms on his knees. “And we’ve already lost one brother. I’ll be damned if we lose another on my watch.”
I bit back the words that ached to escape because no matter how much I wanted to blame Leif for being a selfish dick, what Gio did had nothing to do with him. Or me. Iknewthat, but it was still so hard to let go of. Somehow it made it easier to blame someone, anyone, even me if it meant that I didn’t have to face the fact that Gio was truly gone.
This whole meeting was a slap in the face—a reality check that I wasn’t ready for.
Would probably never be ready for.
“It’s just still so fresh.” I ran a hand through my hair and tugged at the ends like I needed that small flash of pain to tell me I wasn’t dreaming. “I swear I haven’t had any thoughts like that. At most, it’s threatened my sobriety. It’d be so easy to bury my head in a bottle and just not feel for the next month or year. But I didn’t. I haven’t. I’ve gone to so many fucking meetings that I have my own chair now. No one sits there but me.” I gave a pained cackled. “Such a fucking loser.”
“Good.” Beau pushed his drink away with a sigh, not drinking a sip.
“You guys don’t have to—”
Leif stacked his empty glass on top of Beau’s.
After a beat, Ryker’s joined the pile.
Leif grinned at me. “I think it’s safe to say we’ve all lost our thirst after hearing that.”
“Yeah.” Ryker nodded. “And we’ll totally be losers with you. Anytime you need someone to go to a meeting with, feel free to call me.”
“Or me,” Beau added.
“Or me,” Leif echoed.
I looked down and shook my head, emotion almost overwhelming me. “Thanks, guys.”
“Brothers now and always.” Beau smacked my shoulder.
“Feels like we should toast that, but we’ve all just promised not to drink anymore tonight.” Ryker laughed.
“I’ve got some soda behind the bar.” Leif jumped up and rounded the bar top. He pulled four new Collins glasses out and filled them to the rim with cola.
“Just like in high school.” Ryker laughed as we all gathered around the bar.
Leif lifted his glass as we grabbed our own. “Yeah, but Gio’s not here to spike it with whatever hooch he nabbed from his ma’s stash.”
The levity of the moment stilled for a heartbeat. Then I shook my head. “Remember that time he couldn’t find his drumsticks and tried to use chopsticks?”
“Which broke halfway through the first song.” Beau grinned. “So he grabbed that nasty wrench and screwdriver that the venue left behind his kit?”
“Nah, it was a wrench and a grill lighter. Coz it kept sparking in his hand.” I laughed so hard, remembering that look of shock on his face.
“Fuck, that was a shithole of a venue.” Leif grinned. “But he didn’t lose his drumsticks. Remember that chick in the greenroomusedthem before the show? And then stole every pair he had.”
