We stay like this for several minutes, our bodies staying connected in the most intimate way, while we come down from our high. She’s so quiet, I would think if we weren’t outside in the coolweather, she fell asleep.
That is until I hear a sniffle.
Pulling back, I look into her eyes and find fat tears rolling down her cheeks.
“What’s wrong, Angel?” I swipe the falling tear.
“Nothing,” she says, her voice cracking and several more tears falling. “Everything is absolutely perfect.” She snakes her arms around me and nuzzles her face into my neck. “I love you so much, Ethan. I’m trying to be strong. I’m trying to live for right now, in the moment, but I’m scared. I’m so damn scared I’m going to die.”
I close my eyes and take deep breaths, trying like hell to remain strong for my girl. My heart is constricting and my stomach feels like a two-ton weight has been dropped in it.
Nevaeh pulls back and sniffles. Her nose and cheeks are tinted pink. “When I made that list I didn’t know how to put into words what I wanted, what I craved. I had just found out about my tumor and I freaked out, scared I was going to die before I lived. So I went online and looked up the most popular bucket list items and that’s how my list was formed. But no matter which items I checked off, it still didn’t feel like I was living. I thought it was because I wasn’t doing the fun ones.”
She hiccups through a sob and I want to shush her. Tell her it’s okay, and I get it. But she has thoughts swirling in her head that she needs to get out, so I keep quiet and let her say what she needs to say.
“I didn’t know it at the time, but it wasn’t about the items. It was about the moments, the memories. When I’m with you, my body feels alive. My heart beats harder, faster. Electricity flows through my veins. It doesn’t matter what we’re doing, where we are. As longas I’m with you, I’m living and loving.”
Her mouth tips into a watery smile and, framing my cheeks with her cold palms, she says, “I used to be scared I was going to die before I lived. But now that I’m finally living, I’m scared I’m going to lose everything I have.”
And while I want to argue with her, I can’t, because I’m feeling her every word she’s saying down to my very core.
TWENTY-SEVEN
NEVAEH
“I wish we could travel forever,”I tell Ethan as he pulls into our driveway. After spending a week in the mountains, we spent a few days in Orlando, visiting the Disney parks. We went on every ride at every park that wasn’t too strenuous and wouldn’t risk making me dizzy. We ate our weight in candy and treats, and got to see the most amazing firework show at Magic Kingdom. On the way back, we stopped in D.C. and checked out a bunch of the museums that looked interesting, and even did a tour of the Capitol and the Treasury. The entire trip was beyond amazing.
“We can,” he says, turning off the ignition. “We can go to different places little by little.” He leans over and kisses my cheek. “We have our whole life ahead of us, Angel.”
A few weeks ago, I would’ve argued, pointed out there’s a chance my whole life might be over soon, but I feel I’ve reached a turning point where I no longer want to focus on the negative. Idon’t want to live each day as if I’m counting down to the end. When it’s my time to go, it’s my time, and until that time comes, I’m going to live every day like it’s my last.
“How’s your head feeling?” Ethan asks. My headaches have been worsening, so it’s a good thing my surgery is coming up.
“It’s okay. I think I’m going to lie down for a little while, though.”
“Why don’t we cancel with Blaire and Victor?” he suggests. “I don’t want you to overdo it.”
Without thinking about how wiped I would be from the three-hour trip from D.C., I invited Blaire and her fiancé over for dinner and a movie, since we left before I could have them over. I also made plans with Raquel and Blaire to go shopping and do lunch this week.
“I’ll be fine. I just need a little nap. Can you wake me in a couple hours?”
“Of course.” He kisses my lips. “I’ll bring the luggage up.”
“Thank you, babe.”
The minute my head hits the fluffy pillow, I pass out and don’t wake until Ethan is kissing his way down my neck.
“This is a great way to wake up.” I roll over onto my back and Ethan stops his kisses to speak.
“I would love to take this further, but I let you sleep until the last minute and Blaire and Victor will be here soon. I ordered your favorite—”
“Chinese?” I perk up.
“Of course.” He rolls his eyes. “It’ll be here shortly, so up you go.” He lifts me into a sitting position and kisses me passionately.
“Just give me a few minutes to freshen up,” I say once we breakapart. “I’ll be down in a few minutes.”
After he leaves, I jump into the shower. My headache is gone, but I’m feeling extremely dizzy and lightheaded, so I skip washing my hair or shaving and get out and get dressed.
