Ihaven’t seen or heard from Gabe since the night of Shane’s overdose. I was a little disappointed when I woke the day after and he was gone. I just wanted to live in that delusion a little longer. My heart felt like it was cracking in half all over again.
This makes no sense, but he didn’t feel like the Gabe who broke my heart. He felt like my friend, who would sit on the roof and listen to me ramble. Gabriel, who doesn’t tell anyone his feelings, but shared little tidbits with me. Gabriel, who I know will be there when I call.
I needed that version of him, and I think he knew it because he slipped on that mask for the night, and God, I’ve missed him. His sweet and smoky scent wrapped around me as he cradled my body to his chest.
The more I think about it, the more I struggle to reconcile the differences between the man who broke my heart and the man who bulldozed in when I needed him. I don’t understand how those two can be the same person. Maybe I never will.
If I had doubts before, I don’t anymore. The boy I lovedis in there. I didn’t imagine him, and he wasn’t made up. He was real, and he’s still there somewhere. He might not be for me anymore, but he existed, and there’s something validating about that even if my heart bleeds a little for what could have been.
With Shane at rehab for ninety days, I’m determined to finish the house, so I can list it when he gets home. Today, I’m working on Gran’s room. I’ve put it off until last because it feels like closing the book on this part of my life, and I’m not sure I’m ready for that. I’ve cleaned out her closet and vanity, packaging up anything I remember her wearing to take home with me.
Kneeling on the floor, I look under her bed. Behind an old suitcase, there’s a shoebox. The edge tears off as I pull it toward me. My name’s scribbled across the top in sharpie.
When I lift the lid, I recognize exactly what’s in here. My heart sinks at the sight. Gabriel and I got close the summer before my senior year. When I went home at the beginning of August, he sent me a letter. I was surprised at first. He hadn’t texted or called at all since I’d gotten home. I kind of figured he was busy with his own life. With each letter, the more I started to wonder if we could be more than friends. Eventually, we started texting some, but the letters were different. Like how he was different when it was just us. When I came home the next summer, I brought the letters with me. I was a lovesick teenager and couldn’t imagine leaving them behind, I guess. Then he broke my heart. I threw them in the trash before heading home to Raleigh, but here they are.
I open the box and pull out the letters.
August 15
Ash,
Holy shit, it’s quiet without you here. I didn’t realize how much you talked until I woke up today, and you’re gone. I’m sitting here on the roof and it’s just so fucking quiet. Anyway, I figured if I’m going to sit in silence, I might as well write to you to pass the time. Idon’t know when you go back to school, but I hope you have a good first day. Don’t get caught up with any shitheads this year. I’ve got enough on my plate right now and don’t have time to drive 2 hours to kick some fucker’s ass. You left your jacket in my truck last week. I saw it when I ran to town this morning. I’ll hold on to it until you come back. We found out JT might get out early, so that’s pretty cool. I could use another friend since my favorite one left yesterday.
Anyway, you don’t have to write back if you think it’s stupid.
Gabriel
August 30
Ash,
I never said I missed you; I said it was quiet. Don’t flatter yourself. I have a life. I wouldn’t be mad if you came back early, though. No one else is as entertaining as you. The club is fine, I guess. I don’t know what I’m doing to tell the truth. I’m still not sure I want it anymore. Everything feels so fucked. Happy late birthday, by the way. I hope you had a great day.
Love,
Gabriel
December 24
Ash,
Does your family do a big Christmas thing? We usually do, but things are weird this year. My dad seems to treat me more like a club member than his son. I should be happy about that I guess, but I’m not. Don’t tell anyone, but I don’t think I’m okay. I’m not sure I have been since you left. I know that’s cheesy, but I need my best friend to talk to, I guess. I know Isaid before I don’t miss you, but I think I do.
Love,
Gabriel
April 10
Ash,
I’m sorry about your breakup. I told you he was a dick. Before you say it, I know, I think they’re all dicks, but that’s because you only pick assholes who don’t deserve you. You really need to have someone look at your picker because it’s clearly broken. On a brighter note, at least you only have a little over a month left of high school. Do you know what you’re going to do next? If you move across the country, don’t think that gets you out of coming to visit. You’re obligated to come once a year at least.
Love,
Gabriel
Ihaven’t moved for hours. I’ve been sitting on the floor reading dozens of letters from a time when I was fallingin love with a boy two hours away. A boy I didn’t think would ever love me back.
