44
ASH
OCTOBER PRESENT DAY
Iknew I’d made a terrible mistake the second I woke up. I let myself get wrapped up with this man, again, despite knowing where it leads.
As I stand in his kitchen, trying to talk myself off the ledge, I see the journal sitting on the counter, a picture of the two of us sticking out of it. When I open it, I recognize the photo as one from my corkboard. The page it was marking reads,
Dear Ash,
Today I took Maggie to get ice cream while you worked. It’s funny, I should have known she’d ask for a strawberry shake. How did you manage to make a perfect clone of yourself? I couldn’t take my eyes off her the entire time. She’s perfect. Her laugh sounds just like you too. It’sadorable. Do you know what Gabby’s Dollhouse is? She spent like twenty minutes telling me all about these cats or something. I wasn’t really following. She rambles like you too. I still can’t believe we made a human. My whole world flipped upside down, and now she’s all I think about. When I see something pink at the store I think, Maggie would like this. I can’t even get on my bike without thinking about how careful I need to be now because I have a daughter. Isn’t that wild? Anyway, I miss you. I miss us. You’re right there all the time, and I feel like I’m drowning. Being close enough to touch you and not being able to royally sucks.
Love,
Gabriel
Ifrantically flip to the first page, dated the day I left.
Ash,
Todaywas the worst day of my life. When the cops showed up, I didn’t know if you were even still alive. I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. None of this would have happened if I’d just left you be. I knew we were a bad idea, but I couldn’t help falling for you anyway. I showed up at the hospital the second I was bailed out, but your mom wouldn’t let me see you. At first, I wanted to tell her to fuck off, but the longer I thought about it, the more I realized she’s right. If I let you stay, you’ll get hurt. I can’t do that. I love you too much to do that. I can’t explain to you how hard it was to look at the tears spilling from your eyes and tell you that I don’t love you. I lied. I’m fucking miserable without you here. Sending you away was the right thing to do, but it might kill me. I’m not sure I want to live a single day without you. You’re the sun. You’re everything. I’m going to miss you, but I hope you end up happy. I hope you find someone who can love you as hard as I could. I’d say more, but that’s not possible. I hope you move on and you never think about this place. I hope you never shed another tear over thelies I told you. You deserve the world, and if I could guarantee you’d be safe, I’d move heaven and earth to give it to you. I’m yours, always.
I love you,
Gabriel
Tears roll down my face as I hang on every word. Flipping a few pages, I stop on one from a few months after I left.
Ash,
I’m sitting by the lake because I miss you. I want to call you. I want to tell you to come home. Don’t tell anyone, but I’m really not okay. I haven’t been since the day you left. But now my dad’s dead. Things were weird between us after you left and now, I’ll never see him again. Between you, Akers, and now my dad, I’m not sure I can handle losing anyone else. And on top of all of that, I’m about to inherit a club I don’t even want. They’re gonna have Dean take over for a while until I’m ready butto be honest, I don’t think that day’s coming. I don’t think I’ll ever be ready. There’s no one I can talk to. You were it, and I wish you were here. I need you here. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I keep having to remind myself that I’m doing this for you. If it were for me, I’d drag you home and never let you leave. But I can’t be selfish with you. Please be okay right now. I need you to be okay because we can’t both be miserable. This choice has to be good for one of us. So, for me, please be happy.
I love you,
Gabriel
My heart cracks. There are dozens of entries that span the last six years. I feel like I might throw up.
We’re not capable of being a casual hookup; there’s too much history.I love him. I never stopped loving him. He wanted me to be happy without him, and maybe I was to a degree, but not really.
I used to think that’s how it was. Like, once you fall in love with someone, you’re destined to feel that way forever, but now, I’ve realized that’s not actually the case. Don’t get me wrong, I care about Casey, but at some point,the pain killed what was left. But the pain could never kill the love I have for Gabriel.
We work well together as co-parents. I don’t want to ruin that. It was stupid to think it wasn’t a big deal. I was only giving myself an excuse to go through with it last night, because deep down, I knew we’d both be crushed when it was over.
We were too young to make the right choices, and we hurt each other, but the love was there.
Grabbing my things, I leave before Gabriel wakes up.
We can’t do this.
Nik and Shane are getting married at the clubhouse. Maggie rode with my mom and Denny so I could come early to set up. I was here all morning before heading to Gran’s to get ready. Luckily, none of the guys made an appearance while I was here, but my palms were sweaty the entire time.
I’ve only seen Gabriel once since the party a couple of weeks ago. He came by to see Maggie. I tried to stay busy and let them have their time together.
I’m sure there’s a more mature way to deal with this situation, but I seem to have a problem keeping my wits when Gabriel Abbott’s involved, so distance is probably the best answer for us.
When Jess and I pull up in the parking lot, I exit the car and open the door to my stepdad’s truck beside us.
