I still need her. I know I’m an adult, but I’m not raised—not enough to be without her. My heart aches. It’s a dull gnawing that started when Nik called to tell me Gran was gone. It’s slashed and ripped at my insides every day since, but the moment I considered letting someone else erase what’s left of her from this world, it flayed me open. That house feels like the last piece of her—a piece that should be mine. A final piece that I desperately need.
“You’ve already made up your mind?”
My chin quivers as I nod. There was no consciouschoice made. I’m not doing what I want. It’s what I need. Even if it hurts, even if it gives me no closure and I leave wishing I still had one more piece of her, I need to do this. I need to say goodbye even if it’s hard. It’s the only way for me to be close to her ever again, and I can’t give that away.
“Are you sure?”
“I have to.” Blinking, I wipe my face, the tears retreating with my decision. “I need to be with her. Maybe now more than ever.”
4
ASH
MAY PRESENT DAY
I’ve talked myself out of going back a dozen times, but I always get caught on the idea that this is the last I have of her.
“Mommy!” Maggie barrels through the living room, launching herself at me.
This is the part I’m sick over. We’re a package deal. But Ravens Ridge isn’t a safe place for her. Especially when my dad’s been calling. I can’t risk it. My mom refused to keep her because she doesn’t agree with my decision to go back, and Casey says he’s going to take her for a few extra days this week, but I’m not holding my breath. So, she’s staying with Jess.
I don’t know how long it’ll take to settle everything, but it’s only two hours. I can come back and forth as much as I need. It’s not like I won’t be able to be here at the drop of a hat if she needs me.
That’s what I’ve been telling myself anyway. It’s the only reason I’m even trying to make it work. I need to do this, but I may get there and realize I can’t be away from mydaughter. I may turn around and come right back. I don’t know. But I have to try.
Dropping my suitcase, I kneel in front of her and brush her curls out of her face. “Oh, I’m gonna miss you so much!”
I pull her to me, hugging her tight.
She giggles. “You’re smooshing me!”
Letting go, I smile. “You better not have too much fun without me!”
With a big bright grin, she says, “We won’t.” Her smile falls. “Do you have to go?”
“I’m sorry, bug. I do, but I promise I’ll be quick. We’ll talk every morning and every night. And if you ever need me, I’ll come right home. I’ll be back before you know it.”
She nods, but it’s not convincing.
“One more hug.” I pull her to me and kiss her furiously until she starts to giggle. That’s my favorite sound. I breathe her in.
Jess pads over, leaning a hip on the back of the couch. “You sure about this?”
I stand. “I’ll be alright.” My eyes flick down to Maggie.
Jess steps toward her, placing her hands on my daughter’s shoulders. “We’re gonna be great. I have a week’s worth of fun planned. We’re not even gonna miss you.”
Maggie’s eyes light, and I smile.
“Thank you. I’ll never be able to repay you for everything you’ve done for us.”
She waves me off. “What are sisters for?”
I wrap my arms around her before hugging and kissing Maggie one more time. With a deep breath, I pick up my bag and make my way to the door.
My hand resting on the knob, I say, “Don’t hesitate to call. Anytime. Day or Night. I’ll have my phone on all the time.”
Jess huffs a laugh. “Yeah, yeah. We’ll be fine. I promise.”
