I sniffed inelegantly. ‘It doesn’t feel like it right now.’
He nodded slowly, and I knew this was hurting him too.
‘I know, Lily. I know.’
We hadn’t made love again. Somehow that seemed to belong only to the privacy of the treehouse. But I had spent what was left of the night in Josh’s arms, lying fully clothed on his bed, beneath a patchwork quilt.
I didn’t want to sleep, because if this was the only night we’d ever be like this, it was a crime to squander it. So we spoke for hours, his arms locked around me, my head on his shoulder, and sometimes I could hear the crack in his voice as we talked about the past we’d wasted and the future we’d never have. His chest hitched a few times and his arms tightened around me, and I knew that whatever it was I was feeling tonight ... Josh felt it too.
Just before dawn we both dozed off, and when I finally woke, he was walking towards the bed with a steaming mug of coffee in hand.
His hair was damp from the shower and he was fully clothed. I felt a pang, knowing in that moment that I’d never again see him naked.
‘Do you think it’s possible to go back to being just friends again ... after this?’I’d asked him in the middle of the night.
He’d taken so long replying I was afraid his answer was going to beno.
‘Anything’s possible,’Josh had said softly, and God help me his words had ignited a candle of hope in my heart that I knew nothing would extinguish. I could say goodbye the next day, if that’s what we had to do, but I had to know there was still a place where he and I could be friends. My heart wasn’t strong enough to recover from another big loss, not so soon after Adam.
‘You know where to find me ... if you need to ... want to?’ It took a huge effort not to addif you change your mind. We’d agreedthe night before that this was best left as a single, perfect moment in time, but here I was, not yet off his property, and I was already trying to renege on the deal.
‘I do,’ Josh said, opening his arms. I went into them, knowing this might be the last time I would ever be there.
‘If you ever need me, Lily. If you’re ever in trouble. If something’s wrong ... then I’ll be there in a heartbeat.’
‘Me too.’ It sounded like my words had been dragged over gravel. I cleared my throat before trusting my voice again.
‘Well, I suppose I should be going. I’ve got a lot of miles to cover.’
‘You’re sure you don’t want me to follow you to the motorway?’
‘No. I’m good,’ I said, although I wasn’t, and neither was he. ‘Come here, Fletcher. Say goodbye.’
Adam’s dog obediently padded over from where he’d been examining every bush he’d marked with his scent. Josh crouched low and ruffled his ears. ‘Keep her out of trouble, my friend. Don’t let her get lonely or sad.’ Josh looked up from his position on the ground and his eyes met mine, as he gave my dog one last instruction. ‘And remember to be nice to the next guy, okay?’
It was too much. It was too close a memory to Adam’s final farewell to his pet.
From somewhere I found the strength to take a step towards my car. But before I could climb inside, Josh reached for something propped up against the passenger door. He handed it to me with a crooked smile.
‘What? Why are you giving me this?’
He was holding out the crutch he’d made for me.
He looked boyish as he gave a shrug. ‘I don’t know, but I want you to have it. I know what you’re like. You’ll trip over something or fall out of a tree, and when you do ... you’ll need this.’
‘I don’t think I’ll be climbing any more trees for the foreseeable future,’ I said softly, and as our eyes met I knew my words had transported us back to our lovemaking the night before. For a cold day I suddenly felt really hot. There was a slight flush to his own cheeks as Josh replied gruffly.
‘Well, you can’t be too careful. Take it, Lily.’
He held out the smoothly carved length of wood and passed it to me like a baton, which felt weirdly symbolic. I was going ahead now, without him. Racing towards a life in which he had no part, because it wasn’t a future he wanted.
I laid the stick on the back seat of the car and then strapped Fletcher into his harness.
Josh didn’t hold me again or kiss me one last time. I don’t think either of us would have been able to cope with that.
‘I will never forget these last five days, Lily,’ he said as he stood beside me by the open driver’s door.
‘Me neither,’ I said on a whisper.
