‘Wasn’t that my decision to make, not yours?’
He winced, and I knew my words, like tiny darts, had found their target.
‘Would you honestly have walked away from Adam, from the perfect wedding, the fancy reception, and the big white dress, just because some loser from your past had finally realised he’d been running away from the best person he’d ever known for most of his life?’
‘You weren’t a loser,’ I defended loyally.
His smile was bittersweet. ‘I wasn’t the right guy. I wasn’t even close. You wanted the whole package. You deserved a guy who dreamt the same dreams as you: who wanted a family, a dog who came running to meet him at the door every night. You wanted someone who would be a father to the kids I knew you were desperate to have. That was never me. But itwasAdam. Even if I hadn’ttold you that I’d changed my mind, that I didn’t love you after all, you wouldstillhave chosen him.’
His words were tearing into my heart, ripping open a thousand scars.
‘I guess neither of us will ever knowwhatI might have said, because you never gave me the chance.’
‘If I could go back in time, Lily, I’d do it all exactly the same. There’s no future for two people who want entirely different things in life.’
I closed my eyes, trying to stop the tears that were determined to escape. But they still managed to squeeze their way from beneath my closed lids. I felt the work-roughened skin of Josh’s fingertips gently brush them away.
‘Don’t cry, Lily. I don’t want to remember you like this whenever I climb up here to feel close to you after you’ve gone back home.’
I opened my eyes, blinking several times until he came into focus.
‘This ismytreehouse, isn’t it?’
I would remember that half smile until the day I died. ‘You know it is.’
I didn’t plan on making the first move, but my body was already leaning in, leaving my brain far behind. Not that it would have protested too much even if it had caught up.
Still on my knees, I moved in closer and wound my arms around his neck. My lips were on his before he had the chance to protest or push me away. I wanted to think he’d have done neither. This kiss was different from the one the night before. This timeIwas the one kissinghim, and it was conscious, and deliberate, and in that moment it was all that I wanted or needed. And it didn’t feel as though I was betraying Adam, because perhaps this was why he’d sent me here. It didn’t matter if Josh wouldn’t reveal whateversecret Adam had wanted me to know, or even if there was a secret at all. Adam had wanted me to fix things with Josh ... and in this moment, in this perfect treehouse fantasy, it felt as if this was always meant to be.
When I twisted to sit on Josh’s lap, his arms went around me, and he deepened our kiss. As his tongue caressed my mouth, I still loved Adam every bit as much as I had ever done. But I also loved Josh.
We kissed like the teenagers we’d once been. And then the hunger and urgency intensified, and I was back there in my student bedroom, wanting nothing more than to feel his naked body against mine. There had been too many moments when we’d almost had this and then let it slip away. But not this time.
My fingers went to the buttons of his shirt. I’d undone three of them before his hands came over mine and halted me.
‘Lily,’ he said regretfully.
He’d stopped me before. But tonight was different.
‘It’s okay, Josh. You’re not taking advantage of me. I know what this is.’
He was shaking his head, his eyes troubled. ‘I don’t want to mislead you. I can’t give you what you need.’
‘I know that.’ My voice was surprisingly calm for someone who had so little control over her emotions. Every nerve ending in my body was cleaving towards him. ‘But youcangive me what I need tonight,’ I said, slightly shocked by the brazen admission. ‘I need you, Josh. Please don’t turn me down again.’
Passion blazed in his eyes. ‘I don’t think I could, even if I wanted to, and God help me, I don’t want to.’
This time when I reached for the next button on his shirt, he didn’t stop me. He looked down at my hands, his eyes heavy with desire as I pulled the garment free from his waistband and set to work on the heavy buckle of his belt.
He didn’t help me. Perhaps he was still giving me time to see if I wanted to change my mind. I didn’t. When I’d disposed of the belt, I undid the button on his jeans and reached for the zipper. I paused for a second, my eyes going to his. I didn’t realise I was asking for his permission until he gave it with a slight inclination of his head. The sound of the zip was a soft purr, followed by Josh’s low moan as my hand slid into the opening.
He was hot and hard beneath my fingers, and as I found a rhythm his breathing grew faster and more urgent as he continued to kiss me.
‘You should slow down,’ he groaned against my lips. ‘If we’re only going to do this once, I want to do it right, and if we carry on like this, you’re going to be really disappointed in about ten seconds or so.’
I laughed softly, even though his words had lasered through the passion. This was a one-time thing. This would never happen again. Tonight we’d let our bodies say everything they’d kept secret for so long, and then tomorrow I would get in my car and drive away from this place, never to return.
I paused for a moment. Josh wasn’t wrong. We were doing this to finally answer the question of what might have happened if we’d gone down another road. But life doesn’t let you rewrite history. If all we had was tonight, then I could make my peace with that.
