Josh shook his head, and the way the winter sunlight caught the ebony strands in his hair was so mesmerising I wasn’t looking at his face when he said the words that shattered the heart of the girl I had once been.
‘I realised I wasn’t in love with you after all.’ He paused, swallowed, and then went in for the death blow. ‘I never have been.’
‘Are you for real?’ I cried, leaping to my feet and crossing the space between us in less than a heartbeat. ‘What kind of person does this? Do you realise the torment I’ve been in for the last twenty-four hours?’
He gave a shrug, and something that had been alive for a very long time slowly died inside me.
‘Sorry. I got it wrong, and I acted without thinking. But hey, the good news is I came to my senses in time, before any real damage was done.’
‘Unbelievable,’ I said, enunciating every single syllable. ‘You are fucking unbelievable. What the hell was going through that selfish brain of yours?’
He flinched again. ‘Nothing. Clearly.’
I waited for more, and it took longer than it should have done for me to realise he had nothing to add. Well, I did.
‘This is not how people behave with someone they claim to love.’
‘Yeah, well, like I said ... I’m not in love with you. Saying it out loud yesterday made me seriously think about everything I would have to give up if you and me were ever a thing, and I knew ...’ He faltered, as though searching for his place in a script. ‘And I realised that being “fond” of you isn’t enough for me.’
‘Fond?’ I said the word with distaste, as though it was dipped in arsenic. ‘Fond wasn’t the emotion you claimed to feel about me yesterday.’
‘I told you, I was wrong,’ he said, his voice rising and sounding suddenly less steady. ‘I made a bad judgement call and thought I wanted to be with you. But luckily for both of us I realised in good time that it wasn’t true. We can just wipe the last twenty-four hours from the slate and pretend they never happened.’
I was shaking. With rage, with rejection, and with something that hurt like a death.
‘I thought I knew you, Josh. Really knew you. But the way you’re standing there, saying all this shit to me, not even realising the damage you’ve done, well ...’ I very nearly started crying then, and it took a strength I didn’t know I had to stem the tears before they fell. ‘People don’t do this to their friends, Josh. They don’t do this to someone who’s always been there for them. Who let themwalk in and out of their life whenever they wanted and never made any demands or expectations. This is inexcusable behaviour. How can you not realise how wrong this is? Were you raised by wolves?’
For the first time there was real and genuine emotion on his face. ‘You know how I was raised. Wolves would have been an upgrade.’
Even though he’d hurt me more than anyone had ever done before, I still would have given anything to take back my words. But it was too late. The damage was already done.
‘I don’t want a life with you, Lily.’
‘Well, that suits me fine, Josh, because you were never going to have one anyway.’
His dark eyes glittered. ‘No, you would always have picked the safe option. You’re too much of a coward to ever take a risk.’
‘I’m a what?’ I said, even though I’d heard him with perfect clarity.
‘You’re too scared to step outside of the perfect little fairy-tale bubble you live in. And I couldn’t live in your world; it would suffocate me.’
Suffocating him sounded like a pretty good option right then, and it took more restraint than it should have done not to pick up the nearest pillow and give it a try.
‘Fine. Well, I suggest you get your two-faced lying self the hell out of my room, because I’ve got a rehearsal dinner to attend,’ I said, trembling so much he must surely be able to see it.
Josh took a step towards the door, and as he did, I was hit with two thoughts: I was losing him, and I never wanted to see him again for as long as I lived.
‘I don’t think we should see each other anymore,’ he said, turning back and catching things in my eyes I really hadn’t wanted him to see. ‘At least for a while.’
‘Oh, I think you’ve ensured that it’s going to be permanent,’ I said, trying to keep it together for the last few moments of this awful scene. I was so close to falling apart that the only thing holding me upright were gossamer threads of pride. ‘We’re done, Josh. Finished. We were really good friends once ... but friends don’t do this to each other. You clearly have issues with family and friendship and commitment, and I’m sick and tired of making excuses for you because of your shitty childhood.’
‘Don’t go there, Lily,’ he said, his voice dark and dangerous.
‘Fine,’ I said, mine glacier-cold. ‘Why you’re this way isn’t important, and you know what, I don’t even care. Enjoy the rest of your life, Josh. Just make sure you live it somewhere far, far away from me.’
I thought that had landed somewhere within him, but he walked to the door and never once looked back. He made one last parting comment before he left, and those were the words that I already knew would be indelibly scored across my soul.
‘You’re right. I think it’s better for everyone if we never see each other again.’
