A lot, as it turned out.
‘Don’t marry him, Lily.’
I gasped.
‘I mean it. I know you think you love him, and maybe you do. But not as much as you love me.’
Outrage momentarily stole the air from my lungs.
‘What the fuck? What gives you the right to come barging in here forty-eight hours before I’m about to marry the best person I’ve ever met, talking such utter shit? I thought I’d heard every ridiculous notion in your head but—’
‘But you’ve never heard this.’ Josh swallowed visibly, his throat working overtime. ‘I love you, Lily. I’ve always loved you. There’s never been anyone else in my heart except you. And yes, I know this is the worst possible time to be telling you this. But better now than after you’ve gone through with it. I had to come. I had to stop you marrying the wrong guy, even if he is Mr Right, Mr Nice Guy, Mr Good Guy. He’s not the one you’re meant to be with. You’re meant to be with me.’
Pacing helped. I must have completed five circuits of the tiny lounge before I said a single word. Josh didn’t speak. He just watched metravel the perimeter of the room like a caged animal. Eventually the rage calmed down enough for me to construct a sentence.
I spun on my heel, catching him momentarily off guard and intercepting a look on his face that threw me off balance. He looked genuinely terrified, like a man whose entire life was hanging in the balance.
‘Damn you, Josh. Why the hell would you do this to me now? You’ve had fourteen years to tell me you had feelings for me, but you’ve swerved every single conversation that was even remotely personal. In fact, you’ve made it more than clear that all you’ve ever wanted to be was my friend.’
‘That’s not exactly true,’ he said carefully. ‘There was that moment ...’ I knew the one he was talking about, and shook my head so that images of our almost naked bodies didn’t intrude into my thoughts.
All at once I was terribly aware that beneath my towelling robe I was totally nude, and just ten feet behind me was a room with a queen-sized double bed. Who was going to stop this madness from spilling over into total insanity? Because someone sure as hell had to.
‘I’m marrying Adam in two days,’ I said, my voice firm. ‘Not because he’s my second choice, but because I love him.’
Josh nodded. ‘I know that. But you love me too.’
‘I’ve never once said that,’ I insisted, like a prisoner pleading the Fifth.
‘You didn’t have to. I’ve always known it.’
My cheeks ignited. So much for keeping my feelings secret.
He took a step closer, and I knew I was meant to take a counter one backwards, but my feet felt as though they’d been glued to the floor.
‘And the reason I knew it, was because I felt the same. Feel the same.’
Speech was impossible, so all I could do was shake my head helplessly.
‘This isn’t some out-of-the-blue realisation, Lily. Our hearts decided on this years ago. I’m so sorry I was too stupid to realise it or listen to what I’ve always known was true. I’m sorry I’m doing this now ... today. But I’m not sorry I’m doing it.’
I looked up from my intense scrutiny of the carpet, which was the only safe place for my eyes right now.
‘We’re meant to be together, you and me,’ Josh said softly. ‘I’m the one you’re meant to marry.’
‘And what about Adam?’ I challenged. ‘Because if you think I don’t want to be with him, then you’re even more deluded than I thought. He’s a wonderful person and he loves me so much. I will never, ever, do anything to hurt him. And calling off our wedding would do far worse than that – it would destroy him.’
‘More than having him realise one day that you’ve never stopped loving me?’
I gave a laugh that held absolutely no amusement. ‘You really think that much of yourself?’
Josh shook his head. ‘No. I don’t. I know I don’t deserve you, that I’m not worthy of you. Someone as incredible as you shouldn’t be in love with an idiot like me. But I think – I know – you are. And I couldn’t let you walk down the aisle without letting you know that there’s someone else who also wants to spend his life with you.’
It was too much to ask of my knees to keep supporting me, and I collapsed on to one of the chintz armchairs, like a boxer knocked to the canvas.
‘Everything is all booked. Guests are flying in from all over the world. The flowers are being arranged and the best wedding cake I’ve ever made is sitting in the hotel’s kitchen. It’s too late. You’re too late,’ I said with a catch in my voice. ‘My wedding dress is rightin there,’ I said, pointing towards the bedroom, where the most beautiful gown I’d ever owned was hanging inside a silk garment bag. ‘My parents have spent an eye-watering amount of money to make this the most incredible day of our lives. You’re crazy to think I’d throw all of that away on ... on ...’ I was so angry, so incensed, words were actually hard to pin down.
‘On a love that started when we were teenagers and never went away?’ Josh said gently.
