‘There is no Nick and me. There never can be while Amelia still believes there’s a Sam.’
‘This is all so messed up,’ Mum said, shaking her head as she tried to make sense of the tangled chaos our lives had become. ‘You’re giving up too much for her. I’m not so old or blind that I don’t recognise love when I see it right before my eyes.’
I met her gaze and smiled gently and meaningfully. ‘Me neither,’ I said, allowing my eyes to travel to the window and the fisherman’s cottage beyond, where Tom lived. Mum blushed like a teenager, and it was the only bright moment in a day full of darkness.
‘We’re not talking about me. I don’t want to see you walking away from someone who cares about you and wants you in his life.’
‘It’s hard to share a life with someone when you are thousands of miles apart,’ I said, opting for the easy excuse.
‘Did Nick say the distance made it impossible?’
I thought about lying, but she’d brought me up better than that.
‘No. He wanted us to try.’
‘So why won’t you?’
‘How can I, Mum?’ I cried, my voice rising. ‘To Amelia, Sam and Nick are the same man. Until she realises that she’s never been in love with him, then I can’t be either. In some ways, leaving now is as much for me as it is for Amelia. Perhaps when she sees things clearly, Nick and I could try again – if he still wants to by then, that is.’
If I haven’t broken his heart into so many pieces that he’ll never forgive me, I add silently.
*
My last morning in the fisherman’s cottage began the same as my first, with a chorus of cawing seagulls. I was going to miss waking up to their strident cries and the sound of the tide. I was going to miss a great many things.
I swung out of bed and caught sight of my reflection in the dressing-table mirror. It wasnotthe face of a happy traveller. Nor was it one of someone who’d enjoyed much sleep over the last few days. There was every chance I’d be charged excess at the check-in counter for the bags beneath my eyes.
I glanced at my watch and then, in a reflex I was powerless to resist, my gaze went to the bedroom window and down the sandy track that led to the road. I’d made it very clear to Nick that I didn’t think we should see each other again before I left. I told him that I wanted to spend the time with my family. What I hadn’t told him was that one of them could barely speak to me without getting teary-eyed and the other one could barely speak to me at all.
Amelia was already in the kitchen, nursing a cup of cold coffee, when I entered the room. There were dark circles beneath her own eyes that would have given mine a run for their money.
‘Good morning.’
Her head jerked up, but she didn’t reply, she simply nodded. In front of Mum she put on a better show, but when it was just the two of us she made it very clear that she had little to say to me. I poured myself a coffee from the jug on the counter and pulled up the chair that had been mine for the last three months.
After a farewell dinner that no one except Mum had wanted, we’d said our tearful goodbyes on the doorstep, with a promise that I’d phone her when I got to the airport. You’d have thought that having lived abroad for so long, I’d be better at leaving my family behind by now. But everything felt harder this time around. Amelia’s illness and our current estrangement was a horrible reminder that you never know when your last goodbye really will beyour last goodbye.
‘My taxi will be here soon,’ I said quietly.
For a fleeting moment I thought I glimpsed a look of panic in Amelia’s eyes, but she quickly blinked it away. She nodded yet again.
My suitcase and carry-on luggage were ready and waiting beside the front door, yet my steps were slow and reluctant as I walked out of the cottage when the cab pulled up just moments later. While the driver loaded my bags, I paused to take one last mental snapshot of the beachside tranquillity I was leaving behind. It was hard to believe that in less than twenty-four hours I’d be back in the hustle and bustle of noisy New York City.
Amelia surprised me by following me out of the cottage. Perhaps she wanted to ensure I was definitely leaving, although it didn’t look that way as she leant on the low wall beside her cottage, watching me closely as my eyes once again went to the deserted sandy lane.
You were the one who told him not to come. You made it perfectly clear that you didn’t want him to see you off, I reminded myself. Besides, he’d be in the middle of morning surgery right now. I wondered how long it would take to forget Nick’s schedule and stop trying to picture exactly where he was and what he was doing at any given moment of the day.
Amelia was also looking hopefully down the empty lane, waiting for an entirely different man to arrive. With a heavy heart, I realised both of us were destined to be disappointed.
‘Well, I guess this is it,’ I said, turning to her as the driver pointedly looked at his watch. I held out my arms and for a very long moment I thought she was going to turn away from me. But instead, she took a half step closer. That was enough for me. I bridged the remaining distance in two quick strides, holding her tighter and longer than I knew she wanted.
‘We’ll get past this, Mimi, I know we will,’ I whispered into her hair.
Her arms fell away, and she stepped out of the hug as though she’d done her duty.
‘Maybe. Maybe not,’ she said quietly.
It left me with nowhere to go, and I could already feel the sting of tears as I turned from her.
