Cassian continued. “Still, I’ll come as often as I can. And with the White Star Line whenever I can secure a room on board. I’ll have a believable enough excuse should my latest business venture succeed. One that ought to appease my future wife. Hopefully, anyway.”
Future wife.James’s stomach curdled upon hearing the words.
“You mean Ethel?” he asked. “I thought that you and she weren’t engaged anymore.”
“Oh, no, not Ethel,” Cassian said with ease. “I could have never betrayed Ethel like that. Besides, Ethel is free to marry whoever she wishes. I’ll obviously still have to find a wife, though. I haven’t the slightest clue who she should be, but I’ll consider the matter further once we’re on land. I’m not exactly thrilled with the idea of marrying some relatively random woman, as you can imagine, but I’ll have to pretend otherwise. It isn’t as though I’m not used to pretending one thing or another for the sake of meeting certain expectations.”
James staggered back a couple of steps, bile creeping up his throat as his stomach churned harder. Unaware of James’s plight,Cassian heaved a sigh, one that was intermixed with a defeated-sounding laugh.
“Hopefully she won’t require more than a couple of children.”
Jealousy and unease settled in James’s stomach, and he felt as though he truly might retch.
“James?”
But James couldn’t bring himself to speak. Rolling onto his side, Cassian looked up at him.
“Is something the matter?”
James’s breath shook on his next exhale, and he managed a nod, pressing his lips together to keep his heartache from spilling forth.
“You aren’t really surprised, are you?” Cassian asked, sitting up. “Surely you must know how important appearances are for someone like me. I can’tnotget married.”
Eyes filling with tears, James turned away, the pain he felt intensifying as he struggled to hold his emotions back. Cassian still wanted to beintimatewithsomeone else?
“Don’t be like this,” Cassian implored from behind him. “You know how these things work. Men like me are expected to find a woman to marry. I’d merely be following the path that’s been laid out for me. I mean, you heard Mr. Calbot in the lounge when he was blathering on about his flower collecting. He couldn’t have continued to indulge in that kind of thing once he became a man. Or, maybe he could have, in private, but he knew how his father felt, and so, he made the sensible choice and stopped engaging in his unconventional pastime in favor of other pursuits.”
James swallowed past the lump in his throat.
“But you want to be intimate with her,” he choked out.
“Notwantto, exactly. But I’ll likely have to be.” He paused. “James, we’ll still have our time together. It’s not like I won’t be excited aboutyouanymore.”
“Will your wife know, though?” James asked. “Will she know that you lovemeand not her? Or, hell, will she even know that you’re only marrying her out of obligation in the first place? Or that you’ll be bedding someone else on your trips to Europe?”
James’s slightly irrational, but still maybe somewhat rational questions hung in the air for a long couple of seconds. Finally, Cassian spoke.
“No, James, she wouldn’t.Obviouslyshe wouldn’t,” he said, irritation in his voice. James hated that he could hear it. “I couldnevertell her about you. You know that. Don’t pretend that we’re living in some romantic fantasy of yours.” James shut his eyes and winced at the ire in those words. “And I couldn’t tell her that I was marrying her out of obligation, either, whoever she is. I could never be so cruel.”
“It’s crueler to lie,” James said.
Cassian let out an exasperated-sounding breath.
“I think thatmostof the women to whom I’d consider proposing will have at least avaguesense that our marriage might be more like a business partnership than a romantic entanglement,” he said. “I’d never explicitlysaythat to her, whoever she is, but—”
“I can’t do this.” James inhaled another uneasy breath and prayed that he’d muster up the courage to continue as he turned around. “I want us to be together, but I can’t hurt some poor woman like that.”
“I promise you, she won’t be poor,” Cassian said, very clearly trying for a bit of levity.
It only made James’s stomach churn harder.
“It’s not funny,” he said. Another image of Cassian bedding some faceless, nameless woman popped into his head, and his heart cracked in two. “Cassian,I love you. I love you, andIwant to be the one to please you.”
“You will be.”
“I want to be theonlyone to please you. I want to be the one who pleasures you and serves you and spoils you. I want to be... God, I want to beeverythingfor you.”
“And Iwilllet you be that person. Whenever I manage to see you, I’ll—”
