Together, he and Ethel watched the waves.
“If you still want eggs, we could venture over to the café,” he offered.
“Oh, no, I’m fine. Thank you, though.”
“Of course.”
Minutes of too-familiar silence followed. Cassian frowned at the horizon. He wondered what he should talk to her about. He half-considered bringing up his behavior at breakfast, but he wasn’t obligated to explain himself, really. Besides, reliving it would likely only serve to upset both of them. Cassian continued to think.
“I went to the swimming bath this morning,” he eventually tried. “It was pleasant, temperature-wise.”
“Did you like it?” Ethel asked.
“Yes. I did.” Cassian’s cheeks prickled with warmth as the brief thought of James popped into his head, but he swiftly forced it away. “It’s an experience for sure, thanks to the rolling waves caused by the ship’s movements. I really do recommend it.”
“I shall have to try it, then, before we reach New York.”
“Good,” Cassian replied with an approving nod.
And then they fell back into silence again. Cassian strummed his fingers on the railing, only barely overcoming the urge to bite his nails. Once again, he found himself thinking about James, about the habit that they both shared, and his stomach tumbled as he recalled how wonderful it had felt to hold James’s hand in his. James’s hand had felt so... not smooth, exactly, since his skin had been slightly workworn, but oh, overall, it really had felt perfect. Perfectly soft in its own way. Perfectly warm, too. Perfectly perfect. Just... the perfect contrast to his own in some respects and a perfect equivalent in others. Cassian couldn’t have even explained it better had he been asked. But it felt as though his and James’s hands had simply fit together.
In truth, Cassian was starting to feel as though he and James fit together as a whole. James wasincrediblyeasy to talk to. Easy to chat with and to laugh with and to even be silent next to.
Cassian rubbed his chin as he pondered this.Whywere these things so easy with James? It made no sense. He barely knew James. More perplexingly, though, he and James weren’t even of the same background. Cassian was from one of the wealthiest families in New York. He had been educated in some of the nation’s best schools. He owned several successful businesses. And James... well, he was only a boat steward. Nothing about the two of them should fit together. Not like how Cassian fit together with Ethel.
Or, like heought to havefit together with Ethel.
Ethel was from Cassian’s world. Having come from a line of wealthy financiers and industrialists, she had been raised in a similar manner as him. Dammit, he andEthelshould have been the ones connecting with each other, conversing and laughing and being playful. After all, soon enough, they’d be married. And Cassian was starting toloathethe possibility of what their marriagemight be like. Endless uneasy silences. Painfully boring mealtimes. Mechanical, routine, lackluster nights in the bedroom. Cassian’s stomach roiled. He could barely even tolerate the thought.
While Cassian was busy trying not to retch, Mr. Quinn came over to meet them.
“Excuse me, Mr. Livingston?” he said. “I brought you and Miss Barrington some refreshments.” He held up two cocktails, both Punch à la Romaine. “I know it’s early, but I thought they might be nice with the sunshine and the breeze.” He handed Cassian one of the drinks. “And I wanted to extend mysincerestapologies for how everything transpired back there in the saloon. I shouldn’t have overstepped with regard to my breakfast choices. It won’t happen again.”
Guilt coiled in Cassian’s stomach, and he fought back a wince as his nausea increased ten-fold. Mr. Quinn hadn’t done anything wrong. He’d only been trying to please Ethel, that was all.
“Apology not necessary,” Cassian said. “But I will take the beverage. Thank you.”
“Yes, thank you, Mr. Quinn,” Ethel said warmly, taking her cocktail as well.
Mr. Quinn bowed his head. “I’ll be nearby if you need me.”
He turned and left.
Cassian looked at the mound of shaved ice in his glass. Despite himself, he began to smile as memories of his evening with James flitted into his mind and he recalled the watery brandy that he had shared with the man.
“You look happy,” Ethel suddenly said.
Once again, Cassian thought of James’s sweet face and of how strangely happy it made him to see it. He bit the inside of his cheek a little in an attempt to rein in the accidental smile that accompanied his thought. After a moment, he shook his head slightly tobring himself back to the present, though that made much of his smile fall away, too.
With effort, he forced it to return, no matter how false he knew it was.
“Iamhappy,” Cassian said, keeping his tone light. “How could I not be? It’s lovely to be here with you, Ethel.”
Ethel’s smile broadened, but not in a particularly convincing way, her brown eyes still missing that special sparkle that Cassian had only ever glimpsed on occasion. It seemed to him that, at that moment, even though Ethel wasn’t entirely miserable, she wasn’t entirely happy, either. Not in a real sense.
And, Cassian supposed, neither was he.
Chapter Six
