Cassian laughed. James chuckled a bit as well, but then his laughter faded and his smile faltered.
“I hate the thought of things potentially becoming complicated for us,” he said. “Or for you. In the future, I mean. If people talk and that talking leads to... rumors. Or... unpleasant confirmations of certain things.”
“I know, my James,” Cassian said through a forlorn-sounding sigh. “But I’m confident that we’ll make it through. After all, we survived all ofthistogether.”
“Yes, that’s true,” James said.
Cassian pulled James close, and James settled his head atop Cassian’s chest. Cassian kissed his head and hummed.
“Don’t worry too much, James,” Cassian said. “Everything will fall into place. In time.”
***
Cassian and James were lying in bed together as theCarpathianeared New York’s harbor. Sitting up, Cassian stretched and let out a soft sigh. Soon enough, he’d be back home, which meant that he’d be able to start laying the foundation for his and James’s life together. As Cassian reached for his pants, he marveled at how significantly his life had changed in such a short time. Hell,hehad changed in that time, too. In so many respects, Cassian felt like a new man. He had fallen in love. Hopelessly, irrefutably, impossiblyin love. How strange it was that he’d soon be back in the same house, overseeing the same businesses, and hobnobbing with the same people he’d known since forever, and yet, he himself was not the same. Yes, he was still Cassian Penn Livingston, but... improved, maybe, though he never would have thought that such a thing could be possible.
Cassian chuckled as the thought flitted through his head. James sat up and kissed his bare shoulder.
“Hm, what’s that smug little laugh for?” James asked.
“I was thinking about how much I’ve changed. I mean, I looked after you for forty-something hours. All of my focus was on you for that whole length of time. Or, well, nearly all of it. Admittedly, I walloped Ethel and John in poker several times, too, which took some effort, mostly because Ethel is a bit of a shark. Still, though, I had never once taken care of someone before you needed me to. And I’m really very proud of myself for how well I managed it.” Cassian slipped on his pants and stood to button them. “I’m also proud of the fact that I somehow managed to help everyone survive the sinking.”
“Honestly, I’m surprised you’re seemingly only takingpartialcredit for our survival,” James teased before fishing for his pants as well.
Cassian rolled his eyes. James stood beside him to pull up his pants and fasten the buttons. After finishing the last one, he frowned, and his shoulders slumped forward.
“Not everyone survived the sinking, though,” James said softly, keeping his eyes on the floor. “All of those poor people who were left behind in the water lost their lives. And of course, we lost Jacob, too.”
Cassian winced. James was right. He hadn’t saved everyone. Not even everyone he cared about, much less everyone on the ship like his inflated statement had basically implied.
Cassian had been so eager to move past this horrible, wretched nightmare and begin navigating his life with James in New York that he hadn’t really let himself linger on what had happened back in that ice field.
Slowly, Cassian reached out and lifted James’s chin.
“I shouldn’t have said that,” he said. “I’m sorry, James.”
James shrugged a bit. “I know you didn’t mean it, Cassian.”
“But Idid, a little,” Cassian admitted. “Being with you here in this stateroom, it has been shockingly easy to let myself forget that noteveryonewill make it home. Not even half of everyone who had been with us on the ship survived the sinking. I shouldn’t let myself forget that. And from this moment forward, I will try my best not to.”
James’s mouth curled into a sorrowful half smile. “Thank you.”
“I’m sorry about what happened to Jacob as well,” Cassian said, his throat tightening as he spoke. He took a pause to swallow. “I’m sorry I couldn’t save him.”
“It’s not your fault,” James said. “I hope you know that.”
“Yes, I do. But I still wish that I could have protected him somehow.”
“I know.”
James pulled Cassian in for a hug. Sniffling, Cassian buried his face in the crook of James’s neck and fought back the urge to cry. Some time passed like this, while the men held each other. And Cassian realized how lucky was to have found his lifeboat, too.
Once they parted, both of them found their shirts and put them on, neither of them saying much for a minute or so. Buttoning his waistcoat, Cassian kept thinking of Jacob Calbot. And of Ingrid as well. How Cassian loathed that he had broken his promise to her. If only there was something he could do to help her when they reached New York.
Cassian smoothed out the fabric of his jacket after he shrugged it on and then began stuffing his meager few belongings into his pockets—his wallet, his empty cigar case, his pocket comb, and his father’s pocket watch, which would forever read the same time.
Just before Cassian managed to put the watch away, James took his hand, covering it and the watch with both of his, and then the man lifted Cassian’s hand to his lips and kissed Cassian’s knuckles.
“Sorry,” he said afterward. “I wanted to be close to you. Seeing the watch reminded me of that brief time when we lost each other in the water.” He kissed Cassian’s knuckles once more. “I’m so thankful that you were able to find me. Because I never would have survived without you.”
