“I really do apologize, Ethel,” he began tentatively, “if Cassian and I ever made you uncomfortable here onCarpathia. I promise I’ll be more cognizant of our closeness now that I have my wits about me.”
“Oh, I wasn’t bothered,” she said. “At first, I found it a little strange, maybe, but then I remembered how excited I am to be so physically close with John once we’re married, and, well, that made me see things a bit differently.”
Gratitude swirled in James’s chest, the sensation so pleasant and calming that it banished his lingering sorrow and grief.
“Thank you,” he whispered, a small smile creeping across his face, “for being so impossibly kind about everything.”
Ethel smiled warmly in return, and she paused her sewing.
“You saved my life, James. In multiple ways, I think. Had Cassian not met you, I’m not sure that he ever would have let himself see what was blossoming between me and John. And even if he had, I’m positive that he wouldn’t have let me go so easily. I’d have never had the chance at true happiness. Not like what I feel now, with John.”
James’s smile broadened. Ethel’s did, too.
After a brief moment of silent comradery, both of them returned to their sewing.
***
Hours later, once James was finished making the shirt, he began heading back to the stateroom to meet up with Cassian but stopped to find some food for both of them.
Earlier, Cassian and John had met up with James and Ethel in the saloon. When Cassian had first seen James there, sewing and chatting with Ethel, he had looked so impossibly relieved—his eyebrows lifting and brown eyes shimmering with what looked like unshed tears. His relief had been palpable, causing James’s heart to flutter and ache simultaneously. James hadn’t really let himself acknowledge how worried Cassian must have been over the last however many hours while he’d been in a near catatonic state.
Oh, the poor man.
Witnessing Cassian’s reaction had only strengthened James’s resolve not to let himself fall back into a laudanum-induced haze, and now James was walking through the rescue ship with a renewed sense of purpose. More than anything, he wanted Cassianto be happy. And he knew precisely the thing that would make Cassian happiest—having his steward back.
James knew that if he really needed the laudanum or some other kind of coddling, Cassian wouldn’t begrudge him for it. But James had hope now that he wouldn’t need either. Sewing the shirt and talking with Ethel in the saloon had really helped him feel more like his old self.
So, hehadsurvived losing himself for a second time, he supposed. And now, he could only pray that he’d manage to hold onto that sense of self going forward.
After procuring two heaping bowls of pork and sauerkraut stew, James returned to the stateroom, excitement bubbling inside him. He couldn’t wait to serve Cassian the soup. Couldn’t wait to feed him and kiss him and thank him for every bit of care that he’d received since coming on board theCarpathia.
Balancing one of the bowls on his forearm to free his hand, James opened the door. He found Cassian sitting on the edge of the bed, thumbing through a book that he must have borrowed from someone. As soon Cassian looked up and saw him, his eyes brightened.
“Finished sewing?” he asked.
James nodded. He shut the door with his foot and then reached behind his back to lock it. Taking the bowl off of his forearm, he started over to Cassian with them both. Cassian reached out to take one. James smiled at him.
“Are you... feeling a little better now?” Cassian asked, his words wobbling.
Affection bloomed in James’s chest. He set his bowl of soup aside and took Cassian’s back from him to set it on the nightstand, too. Afterward, he grabbed Cassian’s hands and squeezed them.
“I’m feelingmuchbetter,” he said.
Cassian shut his eyes and exhaled.
“Oh, thank God.”
Chuckling warmly, James climbed on top of Cassian’s lap, straddling him.
“I’m so sorry, Cassian,” he said softly. “I knew that I shouldn’t be letting myself sleep for so long, but I liked not being able to feel anything for a while.” He and Cassian exchanged a soft kiss. “I shouldn’t have worried you like that.”
“No, you shouldn’t have,” Cassian said. He blinked rapidly, clearly trying to hold back tears, but then began to cry a little anyway. “It was very thoughtless of you,” Cassian chastised through a barely contained sob.
Smiling fondly, James took Cassian’s face in his hands, exactly as Cassian had done so many times for him, and wiped away the tears with his thumbs.
“I know it was,” James said sweetly before making his tone playful. “I’m an exceptionally selfish person, aren’t I?”
Cassian let out a little snort-laugh-sob.
