Mom always loved Gerard. Sometimes it felt like she loved him more than me. His ability to charm the socks off her was the only reason I was able to move across the States. She encouraged me to go, in fact. Anything to keep him happy.
“He’s doing just fine, mother,” I say through nearly gritted teeth.
I wonder if she’s going to wish me luck for the mediation. Or if she’s going to ask me how I’m feeling about it. But there’s no point in giving it the brain space. I’ve known my mother all forty-four of my years and she’s never been able to think much beyond her own needs, really.
How I feel is of little consequence to her. In fact, the worse I feel, the better. It means she can swoop in and correct all thethings I did ‘wrong,’ un-fuck all the things I fucked up. It means I’m still helpless without her.
And, though I don’t always feel it, I’m not helpless.
I’m a grown woman with a nearly grown daughter who, though she hates me right now, is well-rounded, well-educated and emotionally intact. It’s a daily battle to maintain all of those things, but I’m doing it.
And I’m only half drowning, for the record.
“I’ll be back by six,” I say, stepping through the door.
“Have you gotten in touch with Mallorie yet?”
Mom’s raised brow is waiting on the ‘no’ so she can let rip about how I’ll die of loneliness if I don’t get out and meet people.
“I dropped her a text,” I reply. “She’s pretty busy but I’m sure we’ll meet up soon.”
“At least she’ll be pleased to hear you’re back. You used to be so close, even when you lived in California.”
“We still are. It’s just… everything happened so quickly and I haven’t had a chance to talk much about it with her. There’s a lot I need to get my head around.”
Mom shakes her head. “I do hope you haven’t made a big mistake, Erin. I’m not sure Gerard could forgive you if you changed your mind, and you know, men like their women young these days. There aren’t too many fish in that sea once you reach a certain age.”
I take a sobering breath. “I haven’t made a mistake, Mom, but thanks for your concern. Now, you’re sure this is okay?”
“Of course it is. I’m delighted to finally be spending time with my only grandchild.”
She gives me a sugary smile—another dig at the fact I haven’t been back to New York very often since Paige was born.
“Thanks,” I say, in a tight voice. “I really appreciate it.”
My nerves are already in tatters as I cross the street. I have just enough time to grab a coffee before I’m expected at my lawyer’s office.
My stomach feels like it’s doing somersaults—and not in a good way.
I haven’t seen Gerard since I told him Paige and I were leaving and he left the house without a word. Not even a goodbye for his daughter. It later turned out he thought I was joking—that I didn’t have the nerve to leave. I would say the joke was on him but now I’m the one living with my mother and having to buy clothes from Goodwill.
I notice a coffee shop just a few yards up on the right. It looks cozy enough to offer a few moments of respite until I have to face my soon-to-be ex-husband.
I try to ignore the sickness rolling around my stomach and focus on what life might look like when it’s all over. Paige will be settled at a new school. I will have a reliable job that pays decent. Hell, I might even be able to look at doing something with my marketing major.
I’d just completed an internship running events for a charity when Gerard insisted I give up work to prepare for a baby. I allowed the excitement of starting a family to override my heartbreak at giving up something I loved.
I pull a compact mirror from my purse and pop open a tube of concealer, making a mental note to do my makeup in the bathroom next time, so I don’t get distracted by my mother.
I smear some concealer onto my fingertip and slow down to dab some beneath my eye.
God, these bags should have passports.
In truth, I just want to get the divorce proceedings over and done with. Not for the money—although that would be helpful, and after twenty years supporting Gerard andhisdreams, I feel I’m due—but for closure.
I need to move on, and I’m really not sure how to do that, so I need every bit of help I can get. Not having Gerard’s presence hanging over me while I do it is a good start.
My phone pings with a reminder that I’m due at the offices of Bentley and Bentley in fifteen minutes and my hand starts to shake so much I almost conceal my entire eye.
