“Don’t walk it back,” I quip. My voice comes out low. Too calm for how I’m feeling. I have to remember he’s only a kid in the grand scheme of things. I just wish I could be better for him. I want to be someone he’s proud to call his brother. He’s only a kid. He has so much more life to live still.
“I’m sorry, man. I swear, I don’t blame you. I was trying to piss you off, that’s all.”
“You think I don’t already blame myself?” I ask evenly. “Every damn day, Sam. You think I don’t lie awake wishing I had answered the phone earlier? That I’d come home sooner? That I hadn’t just…vanished?”
He looks down at his shoes, the guilt raging through him as he won’t meet my eyes.
“You needed me.Theyneeded me. And I wasn’t there.”
Sam steps toward me, his voice shaky. “Zack…I’m trying. I don’t know what I’m doing, but I’m trying. We were doing really good until this whole thing with Cameron happened, and then it’s like you changed again, and I just—feel lost. I know that it’s stupid, but you were gone for a long time.”
“You need help.” My usually hard demeanor is soft—and really, it’s only soft for him. He’s the only family I have left, and I can’t lose him. As if on cue—as if the universe knew I was aboutto sayfuck itwith Cameron and Leyla—my phone buzzes. I know who it is before I can even pull out my phone.
Sam looks at me, his face almost broken realizing that this message most likely means that I’m leaving again. “You just got home.”
“I know, Sammy. I know, and I’m sorry. I promise I won’t be long, okay?”
I didn’t even know what Hazel wanted, but deep down I subconsciously knew what this message would be.
Hazel: Hey. Got the okay from Alex. Can go into Leyla’s place.
Hazel: Can you meet me there? I don’t want to go alone.
I stare at the message, my thumb frozen above the screen. Clean out the house. Take what she wants.
It hits harder than I expect—like the grief’s been waiting just under the skin this whole time, and all Hazel did was tap the glass.
I read the text again. It doesn’t change.
Sam shifts next to me. “Everything okay?”
I try to swallow the lump building in my throat. “Yeah. Just…a friend of Leyla’s.”
He eyes me. “I’ll be okay, you know. I really do promise I’m not strung out. I’m just tired. What did Leyla’s friend want?”
I stare at him, not really knowing where to take this conversation or even how much to let him in, but he’s my brother, so I tell him everything. “She got permission to start clearing out Cameron and Leyla’s place,” I say, my voice flat, like if I don’t put weight on the words, they won’t break me.
Sam stops cold. “Oh…”
“Yeah.” He doesn’t ask questions after that. Just stands there, hands in his pockets, looking anywhere but at me. I think despite knowing I was leaving, this was a confirmation he didn’t want to hear.
I type a quick reply to Hazel, knowing that I have to do this.
Me: On my way. Taking the bike up, will be there.
I shove the phone back into my pocket, like burying it can buy me more time. “Why don’t we go get Waffle House, and you drop me off at the airport, okay?”
His face lights up just slightly—no sane person can turn down the wonder of Waffle House. “Yeah, okay.”
CHAPTER SIX
MESS
HAZEL
Iwake up in a cold sweat, just like I do every day, and it’s honestly getting old. I’ve got no one—no group chat blowing up, no best friend to talk to about it. No one prepares you for the heartbreak that comes with losing everyone you’ve ever cared about. I look around the tiny studio, and it hits me that this is all I’ve got going for me now. I’m waiting for the okay from Alex for me to go into Cameron and Ley’s place to maybe get some closure, or even get some answers of any kind. As if the universe answers, my phone begins to ring. I swipe to open it and answer with an upbeat, “Hi!”
“Hey, sweet girl. Their place is cleared for you to go into. You can stop by the department to pick up the keys for their place. It’s ready whenever you are.”
