“Valen.” I drop my bag on the table, actively avoiding the questionable carpet. “We’re adults. We can share a bed. Just…” I gesture vaguely and replay every romcom I’ve ever seen in my mind. “Don’t hog the covers. I get really cold at night.”
His mouth twitches. “I make no promises.” Then the playfulness bleeds from his expression. “Are you sure about this, Clover? It’s crossing every professional line there is.”
“Valen, we shared our first kiss, our first…well, let’s just say there’s never been a professional line between us. At least, not for me.”
The tension breaks, but it’s replaced with something more potent. Something warm and anticipatory that makes my stomach flutter in ways that have nothing to do with anxiety.
“What do you mean, we shared our first kiss?”
I gulp as he stalks forward.
I’m the prey, and he doesn’t stop until my back hits the bathroom door with a dull thud I feel in every inch of my body.
“Um,” I bite my lip and focus on the pain there while I attempt to avoid his gaze. “Well, we kissed. More than once.”
“We. Kissed.” I can almost see his mind working, trying to recall memories he can’t access. It hurts to see him struggle this way.
I nod because my mouth is so dry, my tongue is stuck to the roof of it.
“Did we…just kiss?”
Oh God. Is he asking if we…if we had sex?
“Clover,” he demands. “Did we do more than kiss?”
I nod, and he frowns. His forehead creases like he’s thinking too hard.
“We…we were each other’s first everything, and I’ll never regret that, Valen.”
The hitch in his breath brings tears to my eyes.
“My…first,” he mumbles, and sadness flares in his dark expression.
Oh no.
He had no idea I was his first as well. In his mind, he gave that gift to someone else, and that is a sucker punch I didn’t see coming.
“When?”
My throat is scratchy, and I lift a hand to soothe it. “Right before…everything happened. Before…my escape.”
The urge to flee has my fingers tapping that familiar rhythm.
“The memory might be gone,” I say gently. “But what we had?” I press my palm to my chest. “It’s still here for me. You, us, we were the only true thing I had in my life. We talked about it. We planned. We were careful and respectful, and it wasbeautiful. I never would have wanted my first time to be any other way with any other person.”
His fingers wrap around mine, and I close my eyes for the briefest of seconds to savor the connection.
“My first,” he repeats as though it’s still not computing for him.
It’s so painful, seeing how easily I was wiped from his life.
“I’m going to—” I slip beneath his arm, only now realizing he had me caged in, and grab my toiletry bag. “I’ll shower first, if that’s okay?”
“Yeah.” He sounds like he’s swallowing gravel. “Take your time.” He’s still clutching the doorframe, but he steps back to allow me to enter.
I sidle past him and shut the door before dropping my stuff onto the vanity and staring at my reflection in the age-pocked mirror.
Until this moment, I hadn’t understood the severity of what Valen’s missing memories would mean for me. But now I know—all my firsts—the ones I held onto with both hands—the ones that have been my lifeline, are now just one-sided stories with no attachment for anyone but me.
