And yet Eliza knew the connection between them went far beyond sex or books or films. And for the first time in her life she actually believed there was such a thing as a soul connection; that there were definitely people you’d meet on a soul level. Some you might only know for an hour or two, some might be friends for ever. And with that thought she recognized that India was changing her. Before, she’d never have thought of souls. Relationships for her had been tricky things, best avoided: not this triumphant process of unwrapping another human being while at the same time they unwrapped you. The space between them was present but it dissolved easily, like living with no walls or boundaries, and she couldn’t tell where he left off and she began. And the closer they became, the more the thought grew that without his beautiful eyes to gaze at as they made love, it would be like parting from herself.
One evening, when she eventually felt safe enough to allow Jay into the deepest parts of herself, the pain of her father’s death wrapped itself around her until something like panic rose from the pit of her stomach. All her attempts at controlling it failed, and now she knew the only thing left was to let the feeling swallow her. She’d either survive or drown. With each burst of emotion the pain increased, crushing her chest and squeezing the breath out. All she could feel was her mind collapsing as the long-held grief consumed her and she finally responded to her deeper needs. Then Jay held her and rocked her as she wept. It was as if she’d never truly cried for her father before and Jay’s presence was the only thing that had made it possible.
After he had dried her tears with his fingers he held her away from him and looked at her. ‘The only thing that can heal such grief is to release the tears you can no longer hide. You have to be ravaged by love to truly know it.’
‘Are we ravaged?’ she said.
He smiled. ‘Not yet.’
‘You know something about being ravaged?’
He shook his head. ‘Maybe we’ll learn together.’
When Jay needed to convince villagers that the scheme would benefit the ordinary people, they rode out to the villages on horseback, and though, at first, the people hung back, after a few visits they smiled broadly whenever they saw him arrive. The severe drought had meant they had been unable to grow crops for two years and their livestock had died. How some survived Eliza didn’t know, but then she overheard Jay giving the farmers small loans. She couldn’t help thinking what a wonderful ruler he would make. No sitting at home stuffing Turkish delight for him. He was fit and strong, and the more she got to know him the more she realized she had truly fallen in love with him. She put Laxmi’s warning to the back of her mind. So long as Anish remained alive, she would not think of the future.
They went alone on these trips but for one of Jay’s faithful servants, and they camped in small tents, usually set beside a small fire. On one of the return trips they had dismounted and Jay had gone off to collect wood to make a fire. Beyond their tents were some stumpy trees where small green birds fluttered and shifted in the branches and, in the distance, the sands of the desert could just be seen. After Jay came back with a bundle under his arm she watched the concentration on his face as he built the fire and then lit it, and she couldn’t help smiling. By the time the fire was fully alight, it was evening but not completely dark, and as the flames of the fire flickered on his face, she sat gazing at him.
‘What is it?’
‘I was wondering aboutyourfather. I know so little about him.’
‘He was a giant of a man. A reformer, unlike his father before him who almost lost us the state. I would like to be like my father and, with your help, I think I can do it.’
‘With my help?’
‘We make a good team, don’t you think?’
She smiled. ‘I hope so.’
‘Whereas my paternal grandfather! The British accused him of misrule and he acquired a reputation for corruption and cruelty.’
‘What did he do?’
‘One of his wives committed suicide in the most horrible way but the story was that really he had killed her. Had he not died suddenly he would have been deposed by the British and we could have lost the kingdom. Luckily my father was an honourable man and became a reforming ruler. He served with the British Army and was able to cross the divide between our two cultures with ease and grace. I remember him, when I was very young, dressed in brocaded silk with a long plume in his turban.’
‘Do you look like him?’
‘A little. He had magnificent-looking escorts wherever he went, and when we had noble visitors they arrived in silver bullock carts.’
‘Not as free in his ways as you are?’
‘Times have changed, and he wasn’t educated in England.’
‘I like you best out in the wilds.’
‘But, like me, he loved sport and he raised our state to greater heights by marrying my mother. She came from a very grand royal family. That’s how it’s always been done, you see. Marriage here is about the marriage of families, not just two individuals. And the entire reputation of the family is at stake.’
He stopped speaking and stared into the fire, seeming lost in thought.
Although he had dismissed the question of an engagement having already happened, it didn’t mean it would not, and the thought played on Eliza’s mind.
‘Can I ask you something?’ she said.
‘I’m listening.’
‘What about your arranged marriage?’ she finally said.
He turned to look at her and she saw such sadness in his eyes that it hurt her too.
