Gradually she grew calmer. The blank silence of her darkroom gave her space and time to think; it soothed her too, as if the mechanical pouring of chemicals smoothed out the creases in her mind. But, apart from her photography, she had to face the fact that she had nothing to offer a man. What good was knowing how to make a picture of who someone truly was? What good was her ability to put people at their ease so she could take a natural shot? She had been a hopeless wife before, and certainly had no desire to marry again if it meant wasting her life looking after somebody who should be capable of looking after himself. Of course Jay would want a subservient wife and could never be interested in her; he was destined for a vastly different kind of life. It had only been a kiss, after all, and he must have kissed countless women. She had been dazzled by him, nothing more, and so she tried to convince herself it didn’t matter.
But Clifford had let her down. He had promised to help with the funding for the irrigation project and now Jay would be left high and dry. Laxmi had already mortgaged some of the family jewels to pay for the engineer and to hire the machinery and start the construction. It would be disastrous if everything were to be held up now. They had all been relying on Clifford coming through, and though she could never do it, it did sound as if he still might come up with the funds if she gave him what he wanted.
When Jay came to her room late that night, she opened the door and after glancing up and down the corridor allowed him in. He was waving a newspaper as he came in.
‘Have you seen this?’ He thumped the paper. ‘Your Winston Churchill has called Gandhi a “half-naked fakir”.’
Eliza was puzzled.
‘Gandhi walked right up to Viceroy House wearing only a loincloth. The British didn’t like that one bit.’ He had spoken in anger but now he paused. ‘Actually, it’s almost funny when you think about it. Pity you couldn’t have been there to take a photograph. You’d have made a fortune.’
‘I see.’
He frowned and scratched his head. ‘Is something wrong? I’m sorry this is the first chance I’ve had to come to you.’
‘How’s your brother?’ she asked, but her throat was dry and she battled to find her way through a knot of contradictory emotions, longing to savour every moment with him, and yet knowing she could not. Even her own voice sounded strange. The ease between them had vanished, and now it was worse than if that one night of sharing his secret world had never happened.
He pulled a face, and she found it impossible to gauge what he was thinking or feeling.
‘He’s fine, or he will be. A spot of indigestion, probably.’
‘But Indi looked worried.’
‘Did she?’ He paused and, as he walked across to sit in the armchair, she wished she could be more courageous. And yet always the fear of rejection, of saying too much, of being hurt. Better to keep her guard up.
‘I haven’t come to talk about Indi or my brother.’
She looked at his hands and imagined them on the back of her neck again when he had kissed her. ‘Then what?’ She had struggled to keep the vulnerable sound out of her voice but worried that he’d heard it anyway.
‘I’ve been thinking about what happened on the night of Holi.’
‘Me too,’ she said, ashamed of her own lack of mettle, but glad that he had been the one to speak.
He sighed. ‘Tell me about you.’
She was surprised. ‘Tell you what?’
‘There’s always something holding you back, isn’t there? I’ve known it from the first. You don’t belong here, but I wonder if there’s anywhere you do belong.’
He had spoken in a soft voice, the one he had used when telling her he’d been there when her father died. She threw herself on to the sofa, then sat hunched up and gazing at her feet.
‘Sometimes you really need to take a risk in life.’
She glanced at him and then away again. ‘I’ve taken a risk by coming here.’
‘I mean with your heart.’ He paused. ‘Eliza, look at me.’
She shook her head. ‘Clifford has offered me another job.’
‘Well, that’s good, isn’t it?’
‘It’s in Shimla. I have to let him know by the end of the week.’ She didn’t dare look to see if his face revealed his feelings, but when he spoke his voice was entirely expressionless.
‘When would you need to leave?’
‘Immediately.’
She heard him draw in his breath. ‘Eliza, I don’t know what your expectations are.’
