By the time she returned, soaked through and utterly bedraggled, he had gone. It was what she’d wanted: she couldn’t have borne to see him again. But now that he really was gone, she felt as if her heart might split in two. She felt so soiled and ragged there was no hope of finding a way to soothe herself, no way to alleviate the hurt. The most wonderful time of her life had turned into the worst. It had felt natural to love Jay but it had led to this. Her solitary childhood had skewed everything that came after, but Jay had been able to reach her. How could she ever accept that it was over? As she stood alone in the bedroom they had shared, her spirits deflated, and her hopes shattered. What was she to do with the love that had suffused her entire being? Where was it to go? She thought of what he had once said – ‘you have to be ravaged by love to truly know it’ – but it was no consolation. She knotted her hands together, twisting and turning them in distress.
She refused food for the rest of the day and, as the light faded, she stared out of the window and watched the sky grow purple and then black. Maybe one day she might remember these nights in Udaipore and it would not hurt. Maybe one day she might finally forget the beat of his heart as they lay, skin to skin. He had touched her body but, more, he had touched her soul and now nothing was normal any more. With the stale dust of the desert gone and the earth softened by rain, it hurt to have shared the monsoon with him, and then for it to be lost.
34
On her first morning back at Jay’s palace Eliza unpacked her small case, then stared around her at the room. She felt profoundly sad and sorely treated too, and had been pleased not to have to face Dev upon her arrival the evening before, especially after the long journey, during which they had been frequently hampered by intermittent rain. The blue Aravalli hills had been grown over by more green than before, and now the vista from her bedroom window also sparkled with fresh life. For a few moments it had been good to watch the opalescent dawn and the sun rising over Jay’s land, but now her heart was heavy.
She pictured her arrival at the castle in Juraipore the previous November: the beautiful high-ceilinged room where she had first seen Jay with his hawk and thought him an intruder; the rooms where Laxmi had entertained her; the jewels, daggers, and priceless crystal-ware glittering in Jay’s mother’s cabinets; the marble bathrooms where the concubines had washed her hair; the tunnel she had crept through with Jay when they had been on their way to the Holi celebration in the town. She thought until her head was whirling, images and feelings crashing into one another, and then she stopped. To go any further hurt too much.
After she had dressed and breakfasted – Jay kept a skeleton staff even when he was away – she pulled on her boots and walked through the garden and orchard towards the newly completed lake. The scents from the still moist land almost made her reel and the air was wonderfully sweet. It was as if the rain had transformed everything; the wild flowers, the leaves on the trees, and the mossy aroma of the earth itself seemed to compete for her attention. But it was the sight of an enormous stretch of water shimmering in the morning light that made her gasp. The silvery lake had filled just the way Jay had hoped it would, the damming and fortifications had held, and Eliza could see that the sluices were all in place. When open, the water would run off along specially constructed channels across Jay’s land and to the edges of several villages. It was a phenomenal success, and Eliza’s heart lifted from seeing it and knowing the part she had played. She knew Jay intended to excavate the land for a further lake during the coming year and had plans for even more, and this had all started with her own chance remark the very first time he had brought her here.
She recalled that time, as she always did, with horror at the poor woman’s awful fate, but also with sorrow at the memory of her very first stirrings of attraction for Jay. Wrapped up in herself, she gazed at the water, listening to the bleating of a flock of goats in the distance, and didn’t hear footsteps coming up behind her, but then the person coughed and she turned round.
‘So you are here,’ she said and groaned inwardly.
Dev didn’t answer immediately, almost as if he was making up his mind about what he ought to say. ‘You will find what you are looking for here, if you allow yourself,’ he eventually said, and she was surprised by it.
‘I’m not looking for anything.’
‘We’re all looking for something. I saw you arrive last night. I thought I’d let you settle in.’
She remained still and, looking steadily, studied his face. Something about him was different. His bright look had dulled and he seemed troubled and tired. She hoped that Jay’s trust in the man had not been misplaced, but still she found it hard to forgive his part in the plot to implicate Jay in wrongdoing.
‘I thought …’ he said, but then fell silent.
‘Thought?’
‘Marrying Mr Salter, aren’t you?’
Her skin prickled with annoyance at the mention of Clifford’s name and she answered curtly. ‘Not sure how that is any concern of yours.’
Dev shook his head. ‘It might have been better if you had never come back here.’
‘To India …’
He nodded and she watched his eyes – she could see the barely concealed hostility in them, though she was aware that there was something more that hadn’t been there before. She had made up her mind to try to see the best in Dev for Jay’s sake, and though he didn’t make it easy, she had to admit she was curious.
‘You’re looking after the estate for Jay?’
‘My penance. I assume he told you.’
She nodded but didn’t speak.
‘Jay and I go back a long way. What I did was wrong, but he has forgiven me.’
She gazed at the ground and shook her head. ‘I don’t understand how you could have done it, especially when he has been so good to you.’
‘It’s complicated.’ He said no more and, when she glanced up at him after that evasive answer, he turned his back and walked off.
Eliza returned to her room intending to repack her bag. She didn’t want to stay on with Dev her only company, so she sat on the bed thinking. One thing was painfully clear: she must seal tight her heart and keep occupied, but, though there was no longer anything for her here, it was hard to leave, especially as the tang of sandalwood still lingered in the room. However, she eventually got to her feet and began to gather her clothes into a small pile at the bottom of the bed.
She looked out at the hot glistening day but, wound up inside, could not appreciate it. Despite her discomfort, she knew that she alone must be the one to decide her fate, not Clifford, not her mother, and definitely not Jay. She attempted to pack the bag, but why was it that items that had easily fitted in when she had left Dottie’s house didn’t fit in now? She took everything out and began again, then, once it was done, slipped in the wallet Jay had left for her. Although her instinct had been to throw it and its contents down the first well she passed, common sense had prevailed. Though she didn’t want to be beholden to Jay, she might well need it.
Just as she zipped up her bag Dev opened the door. He looked different again, perhaps a little more vulnerable and certainly more diffident than before.
‘Could we talk?’ he said.
She frowned.
