My hands link around his waist to keep him in the hug for just a little longer.
We stand there in silence, just embracing in the darkness and it feels so good.
And so heartbreaking.
It’s going to fucking kill me to leave now.
This is why you don’t make friends. This is why you don’t crush. This is why, Roxanne. This right here. The pain in your chest, the way your fingers tighten around him like you’re scared no one else will make you feel so seen… All this hurt is worse than what you’ve gone through before –because it’s the possibility of someone else wanting you like you want them.
My chest tightens and I feel tears start to prick at my eyes, so I do what I always do.
Move.
I pull away roughly, but the need to hold him still lingers in my fingertips. Ican’twant that anymore, not when I know I can’t have him–in any way. Long distance friendships are hard, especially when we’re as busy as we are simply just trying to survive.
“We still have tonight…tomorrow,” Ty says. “Maybe something will happen, maybe they’ll change their mind.” He has such naïve hope and I don’t want to break his heart. Nothing is going to happen. No one is going to save me. This is just how it is.
“Why are you out walking with Asher so late?” I ask, turning the attention away from me.
“We were at…a job,” he says quickly, but the way he says it is suspicious.
“What job has teenagers out until eleven at night, on a Wednesday? Inthistown?” I cross my arms and shake my head. I’m not a fool.
“A job that pays well. That’s all.”
Because that doesn’t sound weird as hell.
“Where do you work?” I ask, trying to trip him up but also trying to learn more so I can maybe get a good paying job and finally be free.
“Um, well I have a few jobs. Asher does, too.”
“Ty.” I tilt my head, my hand going to his cheek where the bruise is forming.
“It’s okay. I promise,” he says softly, his hand coming to my forearm. “I’m doing what I have to.”
“But—” I start to say and he shakes his head to silence me.
“I promise, I’ve got it.” His grip tightens slightly and he breathes in. “I…I don’t want this to end.”
My heart breaks.
Because I know what he’s saying. I feel it deep in my chest, the weight of what we will lose.
“I don’t either,” I whisper, my voice breaking slightly with the words. I don’t want to cry, I usually don't. But this feels different.
Maybe it’s because it’s so new that we don’t know exactlywhatthis is, but we both know exactly what it could be.
Ty steps closer, putting his forehead on mine and our eyes close, just holding space for each other in the darkness.
“Will you call me?” he whispers sadly.
“Will it help or hurt?”
His other hand comes up and cups the back of my neck and I shiver.
“I don’t know.”At least he’s honest.
“What if they take me hours from here?”From you,is unspoken.
