She knows all about Ty and me. All about our stupid, tumultuous love story where we’re now in a fucking standstill.
He wants me. He loves me. He protects me.
Yet…
I can’t trust him with my heart again when he’s kept some kind of secret from me for years.
And it breaks my heart every damn time I see him.
“I do,” he nods and sighs, resting his forehead against mine, pressing against me tighter so I can feel his heartbeat through the thin cloth of his shirt that I’ve stolen. “I do deserve it. But I can’t take that chance with you.”
“So tell me, Ty, where do we go from here? Forever stuck in limbo? You see me with another guy, come up behind me, scare them off and then fuck me against the wall like I’m some kind of possession?” I throw those words at him, frustration leaking into my tone when really it’s need. Ineedhim to do those things. Everytime. I need him to claim me over and over, each time he thinks someone is encroaching on what’s his.
But on the very same hand, he can’t control me. We’re not together so I talk and flirt and hook up with and dangle boy toys in front of him because he’s made it clear as day that we’re not together. He can’t say a damn thing because…he doesn’t want me officially. He just wants to have his cake and eat it too.
I’m not that kinda girl.
Well, when it comes to relationships.
Have I mentioned how fucking exquisite Ty is in bed? Like, makes my toes curl, knows every spot inside me, one look and I’m a puddle, kind of good.
My mind drifts to last night and I resist the urge to shudder at the memory of how he held my legs up high enough that my lower back came up off my kitchen table as he basically used me like his own personal fuck toy.
Us and kitchen tables, I swear to god. We never seem to make it to the bedroom on the first round.
Ty growls in frustration, dropping his hands from my sides like I’ve burned him and turns the shower on.
“I can’t keep doing this. Being friends, the lines blurring and then you pulling back like us being together isn’texactlywhat you want! I’m…” I turn from him in frustration laced agony andstomp into the bedroom. “I’m done with this back and forth, Ty. It’s been years and… It’s either you want me or you don’t. But if you don’t,” I say, swallowing down the ‘please want me, please keep me, I still love you,’ that’s on the tip of my tongue. Turning to look at the bathroom door, I see the love of my life. Ty, bare chest and tattoos on display along with the little hickey I left at the base of his neck. If this is the last time I get to see him in this kind of state, I want to memorize it all. I blatantly look at him, not bothering to hide my gaze as I trace his body with my eyes. His toned stomach, his narrow waist, the little bit of extra weight that I love seeing on his abdomen because it shows that he’s food-safe now. His strong thighs with his briefs straining around them. He’s a work of art and I know,I know, I’m going to need to draw him like this so that if I don’t have anything else but my memories, at least I’ll have that.
“If you don’t then you have to let me go,” I say the words that I’ve been thinking for a few weeks now, the ones that burned in my chest and tasted like acid on my tongue to say. Everything in me, in my heart, is screaming to stay with Ty, no matter what. But I can’t. I deserve… I deserve more.
“Don’t do this, Roxie,” Ty says softly, almost desperately, and pushes off the doorframe, rushing closer. “You know how I feel about you.”
“I don’t actually. I know what I hope you feel for me. But you don’t say it. Your actions do, they always have, but they’re conflicting. You put your arm around my shoulder and tuck me into you one day, and then the next, you ignore my fist bump. You shove my date into the brick wall when you see us out and tell him to get lost, but then after you and I fuck, you give me the cold shoulder. You wear that damn leather cord around your wrist still, after all these years, but you won’t be with me fully!” I’m screaming at him towards the end because I’m just…so twisted up and I don’t think he knows how much he’s killing me.
“Roxie, please,” Ty begs, grabbing my hands that hold my rumbled up clothes. “Please.”
“Tell me why you won’t be with me. Tell me.”
“Roxie.” His head drops and I know the answer.
“Got it,” I snap and pull my arms away. “I’ll see you at Jade and Asher’s.”
“Please don’t leave,” he calls, but I’m already throwing the dress I wore last night over my head and picking up the platform heels at the door. I need the fuck out of here. “Not like this, please Roxie.”
Hearing him like this, so broken and desperate and I can hear how he feels like he’s grasping onto air in his voice, almost makes me want to turn around and take him in my arms. It almost makes me want to turn and take whatever scraps he’ll give me.
But I can’t.
I know exactly how it feels to be embraced by Ty fully and I wantthat. I want him, fully, totally and completely. I’ve just been fooling myself.
But I can’t anymore.
“You spent years keeping me safe from that fucker!” His voice raises behind me and I stop mid-stride.Mickey.The name I haven’t thought about in years… Not since I lost the fight to Ty and he never came to collect.
I’ve been waiting for the other shoe to drop, but I figured–or hoped maybe– that when Ty won the fight he somehow made it so Mickey never bothered me again.
I never went back to The Underground. I never needed to and with the concussion, Harriet and Asher were so worried I couldn’t do that to them.
