I stay silent, and my heart clenches tightly in my chest. She’s hurting and I can’t do a fucking thing about it. I…
I’m a monster.
I can’t truly help anyone. This whole thing proved that, but… If I could be good enough for anyone, I’d want it to be her.
It’s always been her.
I take my hand from her sketchbook and try not to stare with too much longing in my eyes as she pulls it tight to her chest like she’s guarding her own heart.
I wonder what other secrets that book is holding. How deep her hurt goes, how hopeful she might be, how betrayed she must feel. What a big piece of fucking shit she thinks I am.
“So fucking beautiful and so fucking smart. You’re going to kill me for what I had to do, but for you, I’d do everything and more,”I confess in Spanish, speaking quickly and then walk off. I can’t look at her anymore. I can’t stand here trying to hide my love while she’s so skeptical of me.
I stalk off towards the backroom to get myself together. Thankfully, right as I reach the door, I hear the stupidly helpful bell over the door going off which means they’ll have a customer. I can fall apart.
Just for a second.
Making my way directly to the sink, I turn the water as cold as I can and splash some on my face.
I can do this, I can do this, I can do this.Chanting in my head isn’t working.
Can I do this? Just be whatever she needs so that I can be near her?
The faint sound of her laugh fills the room and my shoulders soften.
Yes. I can do this. For her.
I’ll never leave her truly alone again.
I pull a paper towel off the roll and dry my face and hands, and right as I bunch it into a ball to throw away the door opens. Roxie walks in like she owns the place–and she might as well, I’ll give her whatever she wants–before looking at me. Her eyes widen again, but then the confident little smirk covers it up, and she walks through the room to the fridge.
“Gonna hide out in here all day?”
“I’ve been back here for two minutes.”
She looks at me with that infuriatingly hot smirk, opening the fridge, grabbing a few things before closing it with her hip.
“Are we going to talk?” she asks, ripping through any pretense with that bravery I’ve always loved.
“What do you want to talk about?” I stand up straight, rolling my shoulders back and wiping any emotion off my face.
“Don’t do that,” Roxie snaps, putting the water bottles down on the circular table in between us. “Don’t shut down like a scared little bitch.”
My eyebrows shoot up.
“A ‘scared little bitch’?” I repeat slowly, throwing away the wadded up ball in my hands.
“Yes,” Roxie says, doubling down and straightening her shoulders. Her black and white hair is pinned back out of her face so I can see it clearly. I start to get annoyed that she doesn’tfully understand what I’ve had to endure, but I’m not going to put that on her. She did everything she could to keep me from Mickey’s grips for as long as she could…all without needing me to know. And I plan on doing the same.
I love her. I always have and I always will. And for that reason alone, I won’t darken her life anymore. I won’t put her in danger. Killing Mickey showed me just how easy it is for me to lose control. Then doing everything I had to for my uncle shows me how easy it is for me to justify it.
I was barely good enough for Roxie before… Now? Now I’m barely good enough for her to step on. But that’s okay.
I’ll lean down on my hands and knees, giving her a perfect stepping stool, if it means she rises.
“Roxie,” I say as monotone as I possibly can, putting a bored expression on my face. “You don’t understand what I had to do. What I had to deal with. Trust me, this is the best outcome.”
Roxie chuckles, crossing her arms over her chest defiantly.
