So I blow my nose, check my mascara, and I find Mason in the office.
“Text your sister and ask if we can come visit tonight.”
He turns to see me. “You sure?”
“Yeah. I’ll be in the truck.” And that’s what I do. Because avoiding hasn’t healed me. So maybe drowning in it will.
* * *
The hospital visit plays out exactly how I knew it would. Everyone’s all soft-spoken and smiles and congratulations. Addison looks absolutely amazing—glowing, happy as ever with a baby she’s wanted nearly her entire life. And Wesley? TotalDad Modehas been engaged. He’s got this new protective energy about him. Every move Addison makes, he’s watching her, wanting to help with anything and everything she needs.
On the outside I look fine, normal…but inside, it’s chaos. There’s a quiet ache I keep swallowing down so fast I barely breathe.
Everyone’s happy. Everyone’s glowing. Everyone’s taking turns holding Weston.
I stand close. I talk. I ask Addison questions and I think,See? I can do this. I can survive this.Even if I’m lying to myself.
But when I hold him—his tiny, seven-pound-eight-ounce body that’s only nineteen inches long—it takes everything in me not to break.
“He’s adorable,” I manage. My voice comes out steady, even sweet, but everything inside me is trembling.
Mason stays close, his arm brushing mine. Weston’s tiny fist wraps around Mason’s finger, holding on like he already knows him. Mason smiles down at him, soft and gentle, and something deep down in me twists.
Weston blinks his eyes open for the first time since we got here—tiny, slow, curious.
“Brown eyes?” Mason asks, looking to Addie, and she nods. I wouldn’t have guessed any different; she and Wes both have brown eyes. Nearly the same shade too.
Weston gets a little fussy, and I don’t hesitate to give him back to Wesley. I watch them together for a minute, talking about the last time he ate. Mason looks at me—really looks—and I know he can see it in my eyes, even if I’m trying to hide it.
I force myself to breathe. I can do hard things.
I can survive this. Even if surviving feels a whole lot like breaking quietly on the inside.
But as I stand there, surrounded by family, by joy that isn’t mine yet, I feel something I haven’t felt this whole time.
A little peace.
Small, but real. Like God nudging my heart and whispering,Let Me handle this.And I let that sink in.
I loosen my grip just a little and let myself truly believe that God will work at His own pace…and that has to just be enough for today.
Chapter 30
Mason
It’s Sunday morning, and Cody and Karissa’s house looks like a bomb went off.
There are toys scattered from one end of the living room to the other—stuffed animals under the coffee table, sippy cups and bottles lined up by the sink. It looks like we’re running a daycare.
We’ve been babysitting Emma and Gage since Friday. Two days. That’s it. And somehow it feels like two weeks.
When we left the hospital after visiting Wes and Addie’s baby, Cody and Karissa walked out with us. They were whispering about maybe canceling their weekend getaway. A weekend we have all said they needed. Megan and I didn’t get why at first, until they explained Mom was supposed to have their kids. But now with Weston coming two weeks early, Mom would be pulled in two directions, and they didn’t want to overwhelm her. Wesley can’t just take time off. Farming doesn’t work like that. Especially in early May with rain coming next week. He’s planting corn.
All that to say, before I could blink, Megan offered us up to watch the kids.
Cody looked straight at me first—one of those silentShe serious? With everything going on?looks.
Truth is, I was surprised too. Questioned it once we were alone in the truck. She just shrugged and said she was fine. Really, truly fine. Said holding Weston, standing in that hospital room, that’s when she felt it. A quiet kind of peace only God can give.
