Not…whatever the hell I was this morning.
People laugh softly at something the pastor says, but it passes right over me. I stare down at my hands, and for the first time in a long time, I feel ashamed.
I should’ve held her. I should’ve taken a deep breath instead of snapping like a damn rubber band.
When the closing prayer starts, I bow my head again. This time with more intention.
Lord…help me fix this. Help me be better.
When the final amen echoes around the sanctuary, everyone rises, chatting and stretching, kids running down the aisle. Normal Sunday energy.
And I feel…heavy. Clearer, but heavy.
I walk out of the pew before anyone in my family can ask any questions, and I leave.
* * *
When I get home, she’s curled on the couch under a blanket, staring at nothing. Not watching TV. Not on her phone. Just…lying there.
“Hey,” I say quietly, shutting the door behind me.
She doesn’t look up right away, but when she does, her eyes are softer than I deserve.
“Hi.” Her voice is small.
I move closer. “I, uh…shouldn’t’ve talked to you like that.”
“It’s okay.”
“It’s not,” I insist gently. “I was frustrated, but that doesn’t make it okay.” I sit on the edge of the coffee table, facing her. “I should’ve listened better.”
She presses her lips together, then shrugs just slightly. “No, I get it. I didn’t know you were struggling with it as much as I am.”
“Of course I am.” I reach my hand to her leg, resting it there.
“I’m sorry I didn’t realize.”
“You don’t need to apologize, Meg…I do, I lost my patience. That never happens and I just hate that I did that to you.”
“It’s okay. I’m not mad.”
“You sure?”
“Promise.”
I nod, throat still a little tight, but I feel better.
She sits up and I sit beside her now. She leans into me, head on my chest, my arms around her, and we sit in silence for a few seconds.
“I would like to go up for lunch; is that something you want to come along to or…?”
“No,” she says quickly, shaking her head. “You can go.”
“They’ll wonder where you are.”
“So tell them.” She looks at me. “Please?”
This is a first. She was hell-bent on not telling anyone anything. But now she’s fine with it?
