Two days after St. Paddy’s Day, on a quiet, regular afternoon, when the fire was crackling in the hearth, a few of the regulars were nursing their pints, Jax was at a table working on his laptop, and Ronan was complaining about how the oven had turned against him—Geraldine Culkin stormed in.
Her face was red. Her hair was sticking out in every direction like she’d been caught in a windstorm.
“Deirdre Gallagher!” she shouted, her voice echoing through the pub like a battle cry.
Every head turned, and I sighed, setting down the glass I’d been polishing. “Geraldine.”
“I told you this was going to happen, didn’t I?”
“What’s this about then, Geraldine?” I asked patiently.
The woman was prone to hysterics,and I’d somehow been appointed the Mayor of Ballybeg to solve every problem Geraldine had.
“It’s that blasted snake of Seamus O’Shea’s!” She stormed up to the bar. “It’s loose!Loose! And now my sweet Poppy is missing!”
There was pin-drop silence for a long moment until Liam Murphy, who was perched on his usual stool near the end of the bar, let out a wheezing laugh. “Poppy? That yappy little pup of yours? Maybe the snake couldn’t take the noise anymore and ran off to find some peace.”
Geraldine and Seamus were neighbors, and the feud was long-running. He kept a snake, and she was certain it would eat her dog.
Geraldine turned on him, jabbing a finger in Liam’s direction. “Don’t you dare joke about this, Liam Murphy! That snake is a menace, and I’ll bet you anything it’s eaten my Poppy!”
“Geraldine?” came Seamus’s voice as he pushed through the pub’s door, his coat half-buttoned and his cap askew.
“You’re a righteejit, Seamus O’Shea, and I swear to God, if your snake’s eaten my pup, I’ll feed you to it myself,” Geraldine threatened.
“You leave Fergus out of this!” Seamus took his cap off and slapped it down on the bar next to Liam. “My Fergus wouldn’t hurt a fly!”
“Your Fergus is a menace.” Geraldine screeched,whirling on him.
“Your snake has a name?” Jax mused, and I glared at him to shut the feck up. He winked at me, obviously enjoying the show.
“Of course he does!” Seamus puffed up his chest like he was defending the honor of a national treasure. “And I’ll have you know, Jax, Fergus is a vegetarian. He wouldn’t touch herpreciousPoppy.”
“Vegetarian?” Geraldine repeated, her voice climbing several octaves. “He’s a boa constrictor, Seamus! What’s he eating, then? Carrots? A nice leafy salad?”
“Fruits and veggies, mostly,” Seamus replied indignantly. “He’s very partial to bananas.”
“You’re a gobshite.” Geraldine’s eyes narrowed like she was debating whether to throttle him or have him committed.
By this point, the entire pub that was watching the spectacle was trying—and failing—to stifle their laughter. Even Ronan had emerged from the kitchen, wiping his hands on a towel and grinning as if he’d just found front-row seats to the best show in town.
“Seamus”—I pinched the bridge of my nose—“please tell me Fergus is actually in his tank where he’s supposed to be.”
“Well,” Seamus began, rubbing the back of his neck, “he was in his tank this morning. But, uh, it seems he’s gotten out again.”
I groaned, leaning forward to rest my foreheadagainst the bar, and banged it a couple of times. “Of course, he has. Why wouldn’t he?”
“This is unacceptable!” Geraldine’s fists were clenched at her sides. “You can’t just let a snake roam the village willy-nilly, Seamus! What if he has eaten Poppy? What if he’s lurking in someone’s garden, waiting to pounce?”
“Fergus doesn’t pounce,” Seamus shot back, offended. “He’s a very gentle snake. And I told you, he’s a vegetarian!”
“Oh, for God’s sake.” I slammed my palm on the bar to get their attention. “Enough! Geraldine, sit down. Seamus, go look for your snake. And if I hear one more word about Fergus being a vegetarian, I swear I’ll lock you in the tank with him.”
Seamus looked contrite. “He eats rats,” he said demurely. “But the rats are vegetarian, and that counts.”
“Go.” I pointed to the door.
Seamus retreated as the pub erupted into laughter…and then fell silent when Geraldine let her glance fall on each one of my customers, daring anyone to so much as snicker.
