“He needs torest!” Dani called back. “Do you hear that, Grayson? You need torest!”
Grayson met Ryder’s gaze and both rolled their eyes. But Grayson did feel a wave of tiredness come over him and he laid his head down on Ryder’s chest. That heart beat was in his ear again and his eyes half shut. Interest in what had happened and the desire to make sure Ryder was okay after facing Legion kept his eyes open. The lure of “funny business” was there too. But maybe after their talk and another nap? Not that he didn’t crave Ryder’s touch. Ryder was stroking one hand up and down his spine. It felt so good and comforting.
“Anyways, she checked Legion and Shaela. No structures,” Ryder said.
Grayson felt a wave of relief and confusion, but that soon cleared up as his mind clicked the pieces together. “There was no need for the three of them to have structures. They weren’t pretending to be loyal members of the school, students or Vampires.”
Ryder nodded. “I have a feeling that whatever it takes to get those structures in there is likely not pleasant. Legion wouldn’t allow anyone to monkey with their mind. They’re very particular about it despite it being a snake’s nest of horrors.”
Grayson nodded. “How was it… seeing them again? I’m surprised you didn’t…”
“Give them their Second Death? Oh, I thought about it. I keep thinking about it,” Ryder admitted. His hand stilled at the base of Grayson’s spine. He reached past it and pulled a blanketup to cover Grayson who was a little cold without his fur blanket. “I’m still thinking about it every second. And I will until it’s done.”
“But you didn’t,” Grayson pointed out.
“I didn’t.”
“Why?”
“Because it wasn’t the time. Literally, therewasn’ttime to do it,” Ryder said. “Not as I’d want to have it done. If–orwhen–I do it, I will make it count for all the crimes that Legion has committed. It cannot be quick. Not for either of us.”
“You think to punish yourself, too?” Grayson tightened his hands on Ryder’s skin.
“Yes, I deserve it more than even they do. Legion was a monster when I made them. I made thembecausethey were a monster,” Ryder said with clarity and conviction that wasn’t tainted with what others thought. It was what he thought alone. “Bringing them into our world threatened our very existence with humans. I cannot know how many they have killed. I suppose Balthazar could tell me. Or Caemorn. He would know.”
“You don’t sound angry at either of them, but you hated both Kaly and Eyros so much after my death. I know that,” Grayson said, not sure if he had heard it, felt it or actually had seen it as a spirit.
He doubted he would have left Weryn’s side during that time. He would have wanted to stay close. He would have known that to be reborn as a human and make his way to Weryn would have taken too long. So he would have stayed nearby and tried to reach him.
But he wasn’t a Kaly and he would never have trusted one.
“No, I am not angry with them. Not at all. I see who they are now and I… they are my friends. Our friends. It was the pain of their betrayal that destroyed me as much as what they didduring the War. For what are us Immortals if not the ultimate pack and Daemon as our Alpha?” Ryder asked.
That was a very good way of putting it. They hadn’t seemed like that at the end though. When he and Weryn had paired off, it had seemed there were vast gulfs between them and the others that hadn’t been there. It wasn’t their decision to become lovers that had forced the distance. It was merely what made them see it in comparison. How long had it been since they had acknowledged all that water under the bridge between them all? They’d stopped talking about it, because it had seemed petty in comparison to the greatest loss among them.
“I’ve been thinking about that. Remembering. Daemon’s grief affected us far more than we realized, I think,” Grayson said slowly. “All those centuries, millennia, ages where he couldn’t make a fledgling of his own while he watched us bring scores into existence. All that power and yet powerless to do the one thing he wanted more than anything. That bone-deep grief changed us all whether we knew it or not.”
“And not for the better,” Ryder agreed.
The pop and crack of the fire along with Ryder’s heartbeat and their breathing were the only sounds in the room. Grayson had not felt so peaceful for a long time. He had no desire to do anything even though they had Legion and this Shaela person in custody. He wanted to interrogate them. But not now.
“Elgar made Roan stick his own soul in a soul gem,” Ryder said.
“What?!”
That had him lifting his head from Ryder’s chest, but Ryder eased him down again.
“I told you. Elgar was terrifying. He even left his beloved skull behind for the battle though he was quick to ask for it back as soon as we returned. Last I saw, he was rocking it in his arms,” Ryder mused. “And Demos was with him. He’d shifted and wassimply sitting beside him. A big black cat. Elgar didn’t look at him. But he reached over with one hand and petted Demos’ head.”
“Petting? It must be serious!” Grayson laughed.
“I don’t really understand their friendship. There can’t be two more different people in the world. At least how Elgar is now. And I’m not quite sure how he would fit into pack life, not that he wouldn’t be welcome, because of course he would. But too many people distress him,” Ryder admitted. “And the Weryn are not known for quiet contemplation.”
“But he means something to Demos. Whether a friend or lover. So you’ll find a way,” Grayson said with conviction. “You’ll find a way to make Elgar feel safe and cared for. You must remember that part of yourself now, Ryder. You were never just the Soldier.”
Ryder’s hands carded through Grayson’s hair. “I know. I remember. And I want to focus on that again. If we can with everything happening.”
“There will always be an enemy. There will always be danger,” Grayson said. “But if we lose parts of ourselves or try to shelve those parts because of it, we’ve already lost something invaluable.”
