I know I should pull away. I should smirk, say something dirty and careless, and turn this into what I always turn it into before it gets intense. That’s the version of me people recognize. The guy who fucks, gets his cock wet, and vanishes before anything real can breathe.
That is the safe version, but I don’t pull away.
I keep kissing her in the middle of my freezing trailer. My hand moves to the front of her throat, holding her gently there, whilemy mouth presses against hers. I let the kiss deepen slowly, without rushing or making it rough just to prove I can.
The world narrows to her mouth, her breath, and the way she presses closer as if she’s not afraid of what this is becoming.
And the fucked-up part is that I am not trying to lose myself in her. I’m fucking trying to hold on.
When I pull back slightly, I rest my forehead against hers. Her breath is warm against my mouth. I close my eyes for a second, because if I keep looking at her, I’ll break every rule I ever made to protect myself.
“Make me forget, Jace,” she whispers. “Please, for a little while. Make me forget everything.”
I swallow and hold my eyes closed a little longer, steadying myself.
I’ve pictured this more than once. What it would be like to have Bells beneath me, to hear her say my name. I know it wouldn’t be some ordinary fuck I could brush off by morning.
That is precisely why this is risky.
“This can’t change anything between us,” I murmur, opening my eyes. “You have to promise me that, Bells.”
She pulls back slightly to gaze at me. Her brows knit together, confusion blending with something else.
“I promise, Jace.”
“You need to understand that this is just... this.” I swallow hard. “It’ll only be a fuck. Nothing more. It will never turn into anything else. I don’t want it to get weird between us.”
I hate how thin that sounds and how much it matters. Weird is a misleading word for what I mean, but it’s the only one I can use without revealing the rest.
She studies me for a long moment.
“I don’t want to lose you, Jace,” she says softly. “So I promise, it won’t get weird.”
I hold her gaze a second longer, searching her face as if I can tell whether she means it, whether she can actually keep this inside the box I built. I need to believe she can.
Slowly, I reach up and slide her glasses off her face. She blinks without them, softer somehow, more exposed. I set the frames on the bench beside us without breaking eye contact for long.
I kiss her again.
This time, it starts deeper from the beginning. It gradually grows, heat weaving through it inch by inch. My mouth moves over hers with purpose, claiming without rushing. She opens for me, and I take my time, tasting her thoroughly, letting the kiss last until breathing becomes secondary.
She falls back onto the mattress, and I follow her down without thinking, hovering over her, supported on one arm so I don’t crush her.
My body presses against hers. Her lips part on mine, and a soft sound escapes her throat. It’s neither loud nor dramatic. But fuck, it does something to my head.
Her fingers thread into my hair, holding me there. That simple touch makes my cock throb more intensely.
Fucking hell, I want her more than I’ve ever wanted anyone in my life.
“Are you a virgin?” I ask quietly.
I’ve never asked that before. Because I don’t usually care enough to give a shit.
“No.”
Relief hits harder than I expect. It gives me permission to stop holding back so carefully. I can take her the way I want to. I can fuck her with intent instead of fear.
But the thought of someone else having been there before me sneaks in uninvited. Someone else’s hands on her. Someone else’s mouth. Someone else buried inside her.
