“First of all, I want to apologize. I didn’t think the note would be an issue. I certainly didn’t mean for it to indicate anything other than I was trying to be quiet, but…” She swallowed the sudden lump camped out in her throat. “But it bothered you, and I’m sorry about that.”
Jenna glanced around the room as if hoping words would appear on the wall. Finally, she said, “It wasn’t your fault. I said before that it triggered me, and that wasn’t your fault. But it did.”
“Can you tell me why?”
“I dated somebody a while back. A woman named Whitney. I thought we had something good, but it turned out I was just casual for her.” She sighed, clearly annoyed by the story. “We never talked about what we were, and I—”
She stopped there and swallowed, took a moment to get her bearings, maybe? Sawyer wasn’t sure.
But then she went on, looking Sawyer in the eye as she said, “I don’t do casual sex, Sawyer. I’m not wired that way. But that’s what we were to her. Just sex. And when we had ‘run our course’ ”—she made air quotes—“she left me a sticky note saying so.”
Sawyer frowned in disbelief, her heart aching for Jenna.
“So, if that’s what we had, if that’s what we are to you, it’s better that I know it now. Save myself the heartache down the road.” She blew out a little puff of breath there, like she was relieved to have gotten all the words out.
The relief Sawyer felt course through her system was like a drug, both uplifting and calming at the same time. Shouldn’t have been possible, but there it was. “First of all,” she said, holding Jenna’s gaze,“I’m so sorry you went through that. I’m even more sorry that I brought it all up again. For the record, I use sticky notes all the time. They’re all over my workspace at the office.” Jenna gazed down at her feet and smiled softly at that. “Second of all… ” She dipped her head until she caught Jenna’s gaze again. “We are much,muchmore than casual to me.” The eye contact held, and it was strong. Solid. She held it for a moment longer before letting it go and moving to the couch where she took a seat. “That being said, I admit that I was scared.”
Jenna seemed to relax just a bit. Or maybe Sawyer was making that up, wishful thinking. But she put her hands in the back pockets of her jeans, the stance softer. “What scared you?” There was no accusation in her voice this time. Only curiosity.
Sawyer swallowed, and it seemed so loud in the quiet room. She scratched at a spot on the side of her neck as she said, “You did. We did. I did.”
Jenna pressed her lips together as she nodded. “That’s a lot of scared.”
“Sure felt like it.”
Jenna finally moved, came into the room and took a seat at the opposite end of the couch, leaving an entire cushion between them. “You could have talked to me, you know.”
“Yeah.” Sawyer sighed. “I just…I panicked. I woke up and you were sleeping and everything was so good, felt so perfect, and I just panicked.”
Jenna tipped her head from one side to the other as she said, “I mean, perfection is a great reason to panic.”
“Right?”
“No, you dork, not at all!” And Jenna laughed. She was laughing now. Thank God. “Why the hell would you panic if it was all so good?”
It was now. Now was the time. She knew this. She knew if she ever wanted to have anything real ever again in her life, she had to be completely honest about her past. She took a deep breath and blew it out slowly to center herself. “Because in my past relationship, whenever something was really good, it didn’t stay that way. Things being perfect was the lead-up to things being shitty. It was a very discernable pattern that I became alarmingly used to, and I don’t want that to happen again.”
Jenna was listening intently. Sawyer could tell by the weight ofher gaze, the furrow of her brow, her slight nod as Sawyer spoke. “So, you woke up and it was all good, and you thought, ‘I have to get out of here before the next part comes.’ ”
“Exactly.”
Jenna took a moment to absorb that. “Wow. That’s a tough way to exist.”
Sawyer glanced down at her hands, noticed how tightly she’d clasped them together, and forced herself to relax. “Yeah. I’ve been pretty much conditioned. Been trying to break all the bad habits, but it can be hard.”
“You’ll get there, though.”
“I hope so.”
“What can I do to help?” Jenna had lightened by the moment. Sawyer had watched it happen as she spoke. Her face relaxed. Her shoulders lowered. And her question surprised Sawyer.
“What do you mean?”
Jenna wet her lips and seemed to take a moment to gather her thoughts. “I mean that I like you. And I think you like me.”
“I do.” Was that too fast? That was probably too fast.
Jenna grinned. “Well, good.” She cleared her throat and looked down at her hands in her lap, and Sawyer realized it was the first time during the conversation that Jenna seemed…uncertain. “Maybe we could, I don’t know, go out to dinner or something? Some time?”
