I wanted to argue and rage at her because she knew I loved her.
But Cammie’s words stopped me.
The conversation with Heather.
Because this is why I wanted a real conversation with Taran. To confirm doubts that had started to creep in … that Taran wasn’t the only one to blame for us taking that break in the first place.
“I’m sorry.”
“What does it matter now, other than to bring up painful memories?”
“I should have told you how I felt. But we were both to blame for breaking up.”
“I know I asked for the time apart, and I can admit that maybe I had one hand up with you too because I was afraid of how much you meant to me, but it turns out I had every right to be afraid of that.”
I leaned forward, needing her tohearme. “If I was conscious of my actions, no way would I ever have slept with Kiera. I don’t remember it. But Taran, if we’re to make any headway with each other, I need you to know this now … I don’t regret Heather. I regret how it happened, but I don’t regret my daughter.”
Taran searched my face for what felt like a hellishly long moment of silence.
Then she finally spoke. “You want my side of the story, Quinn? Here’s my side of the story. It wasn’t getting Kiera pregnant that broke me. It wasn’t the existence of Heather that broke me.” She stood up slowly and I could feel my fucking heart in my throat. “It never occurred to you for one second to choose me and Heather. To be there for Heather but still be mine too.” Her eyes brightened with unshed tears. “You just cut me out and married Kiera. So … how much could you have really loved me? That’s why I hate you, Quinn. Because if you had loved me even half as much as I loved you … you would never have deleted me so easily from the equation.
“You changed me irreparably. Because of you, I have spent my entire life unable to trust anyone but my mum. And now she’s gone. I have nothing while you sit here with your beautiful kids and your close friends and your perfect life … and yet everyone looks atyouwith sympathy because Taran Macbeth won’t let go of the past. So not only do I have nothing, I am utterly alone on this godforsaken island I can’t leave because I promised Mum I wouldn’t let anything happen to her store. I’m trapped here with the one person I despise, with people who keep trying to get me to forgive you.” Taran’s wet eyes blazed with anguish. “That’s my side of the story.”
Before I could even move or speak, Taran was gone.
And I was nineteen again, my heart shattering into a million fucking pieces.
14.Taran
Ididn’t regret exposing the truth to Quinn. Just a year ago, I wouldn’t have done it. I’d never wanted him to know how deeply he’d scarred me. I’d been mortified by my emotional response to his news all those years ago—the memory of the violent physical reaction of vomiting in front of him had plagued me for years. That was as much as I wanted him to know how much his defection hurt.
Yet since losing Mum, I no longer cared about anything so inconsequential as “saving face.”
I’d attempted to be the bigger person for Mum’s sake. Because she’d made me promise before she died that I would forgive Quinn. For her, I wanted to. Therefore, I’d tried to be civil. But him bringing up the past with this benevolent attitude—like he was doing me a favor by giving me my say—I found myself hating him all over again.
I didn’t know how to get past it.
Truthfully, I wasn’t even sure if I was still as angry at him or if I was just directing my anger from losing Mum toward him.
It had been two days since the night in the lifeboat station, when everything had felt so raw in the moment. I was calmer now as I took a seat in my doctor’s office.
Dr. Molly Stornoway had been my family’s GP since I was thirteen. She was the one who examined Mum’s lump and sent her for tests in Inverness.
“How are you, Taran?” Dr. Stornoway asked as she sat down in the chair opposite me. Her expression was kind, her eyes filled with lingering sadness. She and Mum had become friends over the years, and I knew she grieved her too.
“I’m getting there.” I twisted my fingers together nervously on my lap.
“What brings you in today?”
One of the reasons I felt calmer about what happened between me and Quinn was big-picture stuff. Like trying to face a fear that had plagued me for a year. “Mum’s oncologist mentioned last year that because of our family history, I should get tested. I’ve been in a bit of a fog after losing Mum, but I should take that advice seriously. Shouldn’t I?”
Dr. Stornoway’s tone was gentle, careful. “Well, both your mum and your grandmother had metastatic breast cancer, correct?”
“Aye. I never met my grandmother. She died even younger than Mum.”
“Okay, well, I think the first thing we do is refer you to a genetic specialist and they’ll assess you. The most common inherited altered genes that increase your risk of breast cancer are called BRCA1 and BRCA2. These are the genes that usually protect us from breast and ovarian cancer, but if you inherit an alteration in one of those genes, it can increase your risk of developing cancer. There’s also the PALB2 gene, which helps to control cell growth. If there’s inherited alteration to this gene, it also may increase the risk. The specialist will run an assessment on a few of the less common altered genes as well. Does that all make sense?”
I nodded, my stomach churning. “So, if I have inherited the altered gene, what happens next?”
